Prerequisites for Flourishing Relationships: Compassion and Curiosity

Do you ever long for a flourishing relationship with someone but feel like there’s something standing in the way? Ever feel like there’s something making it impossible? As a counselor, I believe there are many factors that can get in the way of the relationships we crave. However, sometimes I find it more helpful to pursue health rather than run from dysfunction. That’s why I look for compassion and curiosity as my clients are discussing their relationships.

Compassion and curiosity are some of the best indicators of mental health, especially in relationships. When I hear a client talking to or about someone else in their life, I am listening for these two things because they tell me something essential about the posture of their heart toward this person, as well as what our most important work might be.

Compassion and curiosity are vital for totally different reasons, but both have biblical roots.

Compassion

As the creator of life, God made us in his own image. The Bible says, “God is love,” (1 John 4:16) so as we display compassion toward others, we most brilliantly reflect his image through our very beings. Of course, Jesus modeled this perfectly, often being moved with compassion toward the weak, the hurting, the disenfranchised, the depressed, the anxious, and those in need. In one of his most profound and revolutionary statements, Jesus even distilled all of the law and prophets into just two commandments: 1) Love God — which Jesus tells us is most important — and 2) love others (Matthew 22:36-40).

Why is loving God most important?

This answer could fill volumes, but I think the most important reason is because God is God. He is everything, the source, the reason, the almighty, eternal one, the only one deserving of glory. Every good thing comes from him. If we love God but don’t love people, we can still spend eternity with him in Heaven. Think about that: eternity. If we only love people but don’t love God, we can do a lot of good during this fleeting, temporary life and then spend eternity in misery apart from God.

But in reality, loving God and loving people go hand in hand. Jesus said, “By this the world will know you are my disciples: if you love one another” (John 13:35). So our compassion is evidence of our Christlikeness. It is also a powerful tool God uses to bring lost people into his kingdom. As representatives of God, our ability to love others bears testimony to the bigger, more perfect love God has for them. Our love for God and people brings everything into perspective.

Curiosity

God is omniscient (all-knowing), so he doesn’t demonstrate curiosity in all the same ways we do. However, he invites us to share our fears, our joys, our hurts with him not because he doesn’t know — he invites us to do this so we can enjoy the healing of relationship with him. We can emulate this in our relationships as well, behaving as God does and making space for others to share themselves, even if we think we already know what they’re going to share.

But there’s another aspect of human curiosity based on righteous humility: we are not omniscient. There is often so much about others we don’t know, and our curiosity about others acknowledges this while holding compassionate space they can fill with the tender parts of their heart. Even when we think we do know, taking a curious stance is often better and kinder than assuming.

Being safe

The truth is not everyone is safe. Especially if they’re not in the habit of feeling understood, people can’t share hurts, histories, and insecurities with just anyone. So as listeners, we strive to cultivate safety in relationships with others so they feel safe enough to open up. This is some of the most meaningful and worthwhile work we can pursue. A posture of compassion and curiosity communicates safety, predicating healing and reconciliation.

Think about your relationships with others

Where do you see opportunities to bring more curiosity and compassion to your relationships? One or maybe a few relationships might have come to mind as you read this; there might be places you would like to bring more curiosity and compassion. If so, I pray God would fill you with his Spirit as you pursue this holy work. May he bless you and give you wisdom, renewing your mind and conforming you evermore to his own image.

And if you find yourself desiring more earthly help in this endeavor, remember God created the Body of Christ for situations like these. We are not on a solo mission. We each have strengths and weaknesses, and our weaknesses are exactly where God’s power is most revealed. We are called to share one another’s burdens, to sharpen and strengthen one another. If you’re not sure where to go, talk to a Christian counselor and see how together you can unlock more compassion and curiosity in your life!

Consider your relationships with parts of yourself

In our culture, we often make the mistake of considering ourselves as single-minded, as if we always fully feel and want one thing at a time. Too often, when we behave in ways we don’t understand, we deride ourselves and treat ourselves unkindly, which often reinforces the behavior we don’t like while ignoring the root of the problem.

However, therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help us reconsider ourselves and make traction in areas we have been stuck by examining the “internal family” we have inside each of us, a myriad of beautifully diverse parts that can all work in harmony to allow us to thrive. Even as we seek to learn more about our internal parts, compassion and curiosity are integral to this goal. We cannot fully love ourselves and heal our own wounds until we approach those parts with curiosity and compassion. When we do, though, it’s nothing short of life-changing.

41 Things to Do Around Loveland for Your Overall Wellbeing

How’s your overall wellbeing? It’s a big question, spanning many dimensions. In fact, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) has conceived of Eight Dimensions of Wellness, which are similar to many other holistic models, including those used by Fortune 500 companies and even the US military. The basic concept is that we are multifaceted, beautifully complex creatures, and no single dimension is sufficient to satisfy our overall wellbeing. Instead of believing one pursuit—such as financial wellbeing or nutrition—can bring us peace, joy, and purpose, there is wisdom in exploring wellness more broadly. That’s what inspired me to create this post exploring things you can do around Loveland for your overall wellbeing!

Why Invest in Your Wellness

Before we dive in, though, I think it is important to address why this is a good idea. When some people hear about wellbeing, they scoff, as if taking care of your wellbeing is something for the weak, or as if it were a selfish, even sinful endeavor. If there is any part of you who falls into either of these camps, I invite you to consider two things. First, the oxygen mask metaphor. If you’ve ever flown anywhere, you can probably recall the safety demonstration, where the flight attendant urges passengers to secure their own oxygen mask before helping others. The implication is simple: if you are unconscious, you become a liability in an emergency situation rather than an asset. Is it weak to need oxygen if the cabin loses pressure? Certainly not! If anything, refusal to wear the oxygen mask in such a situation would be far more concerning. Everyone has a need for oxygen, just as everyone needs self-care. The amount depends on many variables such as your overall wellness, circumstances, and the current demands on your system.

The second thing I invite you to consider is that Jesus cared about his own wellbeing. If there is a part of you that thinks self-care is selfish or sinful, we would have to reconcile that with the fact that Jesus often retreated to places of solitude, even as countless people were asking for his teaching. He ate, slept, took Sabbath, and even went to parties! He was closer with some disciples than others, and he didn’t apologize for that. He drew boundaries and knew how to say no. How many more people could Jesus have healed or taught if he had not taken care of himself? I would argue zero. As the designer of life, Jesus knew exactly how to find the right balance that he needed to live the perfect life. He knew if he did not take care of himself, he would be less effective. He also knew we’d be taking notes. So if the antithesis of sin prioritized his own wellness, maybe we should too.

Without further ado, let’s look at things you can do in and around Loveland for your overall wellbeing!

Note: As a professional counselor, my qualifications relate to clinical mental health, not specific local recommendations. The people and places listed below are some of my personal favorites as a Loveland community member but do not represent professional endorsements or clinical recommendations.

Physical - Nutrition, exercise, sleep, and more

1. Check out the Loveland Farmers Market, Sundays from 9am-1pm! There’s also one at Centerra on Saturdays from 8:30am-1:30pm through 9/28.

2. Try the frozen smoothie blends from Costco; it’s a fast, healthy, affordable, and delicious meal!

3. Visit the Chilson Center to take a class, play racquetball, swim, and so much more!

4. Have you checked out the new Cyclebar in Loveland? If you combined exercise bikes with supportive community and then threw a really great party, that’s Cyclebar. You can try it for free!

5. Build your strength and achieve new heights at Climbing Collective. Check your Valpak for coupons!

6. Relieve the tension with a massage! Massage Envy is conveniently located in Centerra!

7. So much of our physical health relates to our spines. Check out New Beginnings Chiropractic in Windsor, where they can adjust anyone, but they have special training for expectant mothers and newborns! I also like Dawson chiropractic in Loveland!

8. Loveland provides access to tons of beautiful trails! In town, I’m partial to the bike path going just north of the baseball fields at 1st and Taft, as well as the Devil’s Backbone trail! A short drive up the Big Thompson Canyon brings you to the Gem Lake trailhead, another one of my personal favorites!

Social - Our sense of belonging and connectedness with community

1. Invite a friend to connect over a drink or a meal. Appropriately, one of my favorite spots is Social in Fort Collins. Make sure you try the Bavarian Pretzel! They are known for delicious, inventive drinks and an awesome atmosphere!

2. Invite a group to do something fun! Check out The Flipside or Axe Throwing downtown, or head up Northeast to Main Event for bowing!

3. Plan a family mountain trip. Family can be a source of social support throughout life; invest in them by planning a getaway at YMCA of the Rockies! They have cabins of all sizes for just your nuclear family or for a huge extended family reunion! Surrounded by panoramic views of the Rockies and majestic wildlife, there’s no shortage of activities to help in your memory-making fun!

4. Set up time for regular, meaningful connection with those you care about. Want to see someone more? Invite them to join you on a regular basis doing something you both love! For me and some of my friends, it’s playing disc golf at Oxbow disc golf course in Windsor!

5. Heal a relationship. Not every relationship can be fixed, but many can! There’s nothing quite like the beauty of reconciliation. The right counselor can help you know where to start if your goal is to fix a relationship you value.

6. Take your relationship deeper. Do you ever feel like your relationships lack depth? If so, try bringing some more intention to your relationships:

7. Endeavor to give meaningful compliments/encouragements

8. Exercise vulnerability with trusted people (vulnerability is often reciprocated, deepening the relationship)

9. Ask about their dreams, passions, most treasured memories

Occupational - Work satisfaction and fulfillment

1. Kingdom Way Ministries helps Christians find more meaning in their work! If you want to have eternal impact through your job and your leadership, check them out! They have regular events, coaching, groups, and renowned speakers!

2. The Larimer County Workforce Center offers tons of resources and support to help people connect with meaningful work, including gaining skills to pursue your goals.

3. Talk with a career counselor to navigate workplace issues and/or identify where you want to be! Sometimes learning how to approach your current workplace differently can help you flourish like never before!

Intellectual - Building skills and knowledge, as well as exercising creativity

1. Visit the Loveland Library, where they have state-of-the-art 3D printers, free access to the full Adobe Creative Suite, classes, and tons of other creative options! The staff is friendly and helpful; they love helping people uncover their creativity!

2. Survey a college class that interests you. Whether at CSU, UNC, or somewhere else, many professors will allow you to sit in on their classes for free!

3. Visit Studio Vino, where you can sip on wine and brush up on your painting skills! (This one can also tick the social box; it’s a great activity to do with friends!)

4. Another fun intellectual activity for a group is an escape room! Enjoy solving an immersive puzzle together!

5. Visit one of the many art galleries around Loveland and/or the Loveland Museum! They’re always changing up their exhibits, and they frequently feature all-time greats!

6. Have you noticed all the beautiful painted transformer boxes around Loveland? This brilliant program saves the city money on graffiti removal while beautifying Loveland and supporting its artists, including my parents, who have been commissioned for several boxes over the years! There’s a whole website dedicated to the program. Which one is your favorite?

Emotional - Feeling and coping with a balance of positive and negatives emotions appropriate to circumstances

1. Watch an inspiring movie, such as Sound of Hope: The Story of Possum Trot at the MetroLux. Prefer to watch at home? Find something that inspires you! One of my favorites is A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood with Tom Hanks.

2. Celebrate with someone! Did someone have a new baby or achieve a big milestone? Bring them a meal or a present! If I don’t have time to make something, sometimes I’ll bring something like Crumbl or Donut Haus as a treat!

3. On the other hand, when tragedy strikes those we care about, we often don’t know what to do, so we make the mistake of leaving them alone. You don’t have to say the right things or have any answers. Just show up and make sure they know you love them. Sometimes a Grubhub gift card can also eliminate the stress and burden of preparing a meal when life feels overwhelming, or sending flowers can be a beautiful and tangible reminder of how much you care.

4. Appreciation of art also has great emotional merit. Skilled artists have a way of capturing emotional experiences we can relate to and resonate with. When we immerse ourselves in the work, it is simultaneously grounding and transporting. It can help us process difficult emotions because it is depersonalized enough (it is not us) yet we connect with it, so our brains and hearts can do healing work that offers benefits to our own hurts. Many people don’t feel confident in their art analysis skills, but these skills can be learned—the most important thing is to get out there and try it! Here’s a framework you can use to analyze visual art! Or you may prefer analyzing music! Sometimes a tool like Genius.com can be really helpful in deepening your appreciation for the lyrics. One caution I have for art appreciation is to monitor your intake. Art is powerful, and I believe you can “overdose.” For example, when you’re depressed, listening to depressing music is rarely helpful.

5. Create music! You can find opportunities to perform at places like Black and Blues Music and Brews and Pourhouse. Interested in learning an instrument? There are plenty of teachers around Loveland ready to help you grow your skills! Personally, I’m biased toward singing because I am a vocalist. Also, because the body is the instrument, I believe singing can bring extra healing. Focus on breath is widely understood to bring mental health benefits, and the vulnerability and emotional expression involved in singing can offer a powerful release.

6. Journal. Journaling can be a wonderful way to process the highs and lows of life, naming and honoring our emotional experiences. Many people find the experience incredibly cathartic; it’s no wonder journaling is ubiquitously recommended by therapists! Pro tip: Barnes & Noble has a whole section of journals, and some of them are really awesome!

Financial - Satisfaction with current financial circumstances and positivity about your financial outlook

1. Make financial wellbeing fun! When you hit a milestone, celebrate! Instead of feeling like financial discipline is a chore, find a way to replace expensive habits with even better alternatives! For example, you could replace one time eating out per month with a family picnic, where each member of the family prepares part of the meal and you all eat at one of the many beautiful parks in our city, like Dwayne Webster Veterans Park, where you can’t beat the sunset over Lake Loveland!

2. Little changes in the present can yield huge blessings in the future! Are you planning for your financial future? Personally, I recommend financial advisors Katie Baker with Morgan Stanley, whose office is located in Centerra, or Lucas Cirbo with Edward Jones, located in Greeley.

3. A good insurance strategy can offer protection for your financial wellbeing, even when challenging circumstances arise or tragedy strikes. A trusted agency like Jackson Insurance can help ensure and insure your financial security in the future. The right insurance can help offer peace of mind in the present!

4. Did you know the majority of people’s wealth is in their real estate? In other words, if you don’t own a home, you may want to consider that as part of your long-term financial strategy. Programs and incentives for first-time homebuyers can often make home ownership more achievable than you might think, and an experienced realtor like my friends Zach Laue, Mike Salza, or Ryan Smith can help you navigate one of the most important and exciting financial decisions of your life. If you are ready to consider an investment property, they can help you there too!

5. Part of financial health can also be measured in your generosity. Give to a cause you believe in and enjoy the feeling you get!

Environmental - Pleasant, stimulating environments that support wellbeing

1. How well does the environment of your home support your mental health? If you have too much junk, a service like Iron Man On Demand can help. Need help with interior design? Check out my friend Maisie Knowles!

2. Get outside and enjoy the natural beauty Loveland has to offer! Eat lunch next to Lake Loveland, spend a day in Rocky Mountain National Park, or visit one of the sculpture parks!

3. If you really want an interesting and different environment, plan a visit down to Denver and check out Meow Wolf. It’s inspiring and creative and cool and super weird—in a good way.

4. Evaluate the environments where you spend the majority of your time. Hint to boost your wellbeing: add real plants, pictures of loved ones, and art!

Spiritual - Expanding our sense of purpose and meaning in life

1. Find a church. Church can be the best place to build a support system of people with common values. It can be a place of great healing, growth, and encouragement. It can offer answers to life’s most important questions, and it can facilitate encounter and relationship with God himself. Of course, because they are populated with people, no church is perfect. However, for those who believe the Bible, church is God’s plan to reach the world, and churchgoers reap countless benefits. There are lots of great churches in the area!

2. Find solitude to connect with God. Many people do this in nature. Some people even visit a monastery or abbey to listen for God’s whispers in simplicity and quiet. Many such locations welcome visitors, and some even allow free overnight visits or even more extended stays for those who are willing to contribute to and respect their way of life.

3. Join a small group or bible study. Many people make the mistake of joining a church and then getting frustrated when they don’t feel connected. Going to church is great for teaching and congregational worship, but often to really feel connected, you need something much smaller, like a group of 6-14 people who know you by name, talk with you regularly, and know about your life.

Freedom from Unwanted Sexual Behavior

Sexual struggles are so difficult to talk about. This is probably even more true in religious circles—where we grasp the power, holiness, and sanctity of sexuality—but we rarely know how to talk about it, so too often we err on the side of silence. Tragically, this leaves those who are struggling to wrestle alone, unguided, unknown.

Fortunately, there is a better way. In the safety and confidentiality of counseling, we can bring light to the places that have so long remained secret. As you unburden yourself from what you’ve been holding, you can breathe freely and explore what you would rather carry instead.

There’s so much hope if we can find the courage to look for it, especially with a trusted partner. We have age-old strategies, such as finding supportive communities like a Pure Desire church group. We are also learning a lot through new research, such as Jay Stringer’s studies, discussed in his book Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing.

Stringer’s book combines a wealth of counseling experience addressing sexual issues with thorough research compiling thousands of participant responses. The results shed fresh insight into these problems that have stumped so many people for so long. Far too many people try the standard approaches, continue to feel stuck, and then give up, believing there’s no hope for them, believing they are too bad, too dirty, too perverted to be redeemed.

But it’s not true. Unwanted chronicles people with heartbreaking pasts, those who believed they were too far gone—and how they found healing and freedom. Here are some of my favorite parts of the book:

• For many people, their unwanted sexual desires, fantasies, and behaviors actually reveal their own woundings; the problematic behaviors are indicators of where God wants to bring healing. Far too often, these whispered truths are blocked by shame and darkness, but when we can offer ourselves compassion and get curious about what God might want to teach us, we can address the root.

• Efforts to minimize or eliminate lust are not only ineffective, they are also attempting to stifle a God-given longing. Rather than trying to avoid lust, Stringer advocates pursuing delight, purpose, and beauty in ways that are holy and good. He also provides lots of tools to accomplish this.

• Traditional accountability models often fail because they are too shallow and too problem-focused. Many of these arrangements focus on consequences, failures, and trying harder. They use language like “maintaining purity,” which can feed shame and perpetuate problems. However, Stringer’s research finds that effective accountability groups do two things: 1) They focus on “key drivers, past and present, that influence unwanted sexual behavior.” 2) They emphasize “mutual participation and personal growth rather than dwelling on the powerlessness of their addiction or compulsive behavior.”

• The book discusses the Six Core Experiences of Unwanted Sexual Behavior: Deprivation, Dissociation, Unconscious Sexual Arousal, Futility, Lust, and Anger. There’s so much that can be unpacked about each of these, but suffice to say a person wrestling with unwanted sexual behavior will resonate deeply with this section of the book.

• Not addressing our pain nearly always means we will spread it to others. One of the core endeavors of an experience to address unwanted sexual behavior is to find and honor your pain so it can be healed. In this way, there is an element of learning that we are strong enough to address these hurts directly, because keeping them in the dark never really works in the long run.

• Four Steps of Sexual Healing: Reclaiming your body, leaving sexual sin, forgiving yourself and others, and ending generational curses and soul ties. Again, there is so much here that can be unpacked, but Stringer’s framework providing a clear path is quite encouraging.

• Stringer also discusses relational skills and how to flourish without unwanted sexual behavior, seen in his exploration of the balance between what he calls “attunement and containment,” similar to but more specific than what many Christians know as “truth and grace” or “truth and love.” He also encourages healthy conflict and discusses how to repair after such conflicts. He explores several other dynamics as well, inviting people to thrive in purposeful community, knowing others and being known in a way far more beautiful than perhaps anything they have experienced before.

I don’t want to overstate the importance of this book. Many people in sexual brokenness have read it and walked away unchanged. However, if you’re craving freedom from your unwanted sexual issues, this book might be a great place to start. Here’s the Amazon link (I’ll get a small percentage if you buy it here):

https://amzn.to/3Wayza0

If you already know the root of your sexual issues is from abuse perpetrated against you, I also recommend the work of Dan Allender, such as The Wounded Heart:

https://amzn.to/3W9xMGt

If you find yourself wanting to work more through your unwanted sexual behavior, such as pornography addiction, infidelity, etc., feel free to contact me. There is hope.