You Are Not a Good Person (and Neither am I)

If I were to extend the title of this post, it would be “and Neither is your Wife, Your Husband, Your Mom, Your Dad, Your Friend, or That Person on Social Media, but You Already Knew That Last One.”

There’s a trend I’ve noticed amongst some of my favorite men, some of the kindest men in my life. They’ll say to the other men they love, “You’re a good man.” It’s a nice gesture. And it’s also heresy.

Wow, that’s an extreme statement! And I must admit, I’m intentionally using extreme and incendiary language partly to hook you into reading the rest of this post. But it’s also true. This blog post runs great risk of sounding pedantic or judgmental and entirely missing the hearts of those men I love, so I want to be careful here. I admire their motive to encourage others. Furthermore, I think the men who peddle this phrase have likely seeded more good in other men’s lives than most could ever dream of. I think they are attempting to speak directly to the shame and unworthiness most men carry with them throughout life, and I think their intent matters so much more than the words. So I applaud these men for showing the love of Jesus, and I’m also going to humbly suggest a better alternative.

But first, here’s the problem with telling someone they’re a good person: they’re not. Jesus is very clear about this. In Matthew 19:17, Mark 10:18, and Luke 18:19, Jesus unequivocally states there is only one who is good — God. We approach “good” as a relative term, but Jesus defines it as an absolute, synonymous with “perfect.”

Even as I write this, there is part of me that wants to water down Jesus’s words. Yeah, but maybe we just use the word differently today than back then. I don’t think so. I think this speaks to a deep theological truth. Since the beginning of time, man has tried to achieve salvation by being better than others when God has always insisted that Heaven can only tolerate perfection.

I once heard this crude but effective analogy: how much poop is okay to be included in your cake? I mean, obviously, 1 ½ cups of poop in your cake is too much, but what about ⅓ cup? Still too much. A teaspoon? Of course not. You’re not eating a cake with a teaspoon of poop in it! And if you are, I encourage you to see a counselor about that. 

Apparently I like analogies with cake; this is the second blog post I've written featuring one...

God is the same way about sin. Too often we excuse the “smaller” amount of sin in our lives by labeling some people (and ourselves) as “good” when the truth is that we have all fallen short of the glory of God because of our sin (Romans 3:23). This makes us all worthy of death, but we can be made right with God again by accepting Jesus (Romans 6:23). Crucially, it is NOT because of who we are or what we’ve done, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:9). Instead, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 1:31).

A common goal in counseling is to have a realistic view of things. We want to be intentional about what we think and how we view important topics in life; if we are not, we face enduring inner tensions at best and delusion at worst. This miscalibration often happens when we define our reality based on how we feel. I feel like a good person. Or what others tell us. People tell me I’m a good person. But first and foremost, we must define reality by what God tells us.

We also must consider that God is love. And not just generally — he specifically loves you. So why would he tell you you’re not a good person? Because it is true and it is better than the delusion. Because if God loved you because you were good, it wouldn’t really mean much. “Are not even the [worst people] doing that?” (Matthew 5:46). You would have earned his love, and it would be a conditional kind of love, or at least an untested one. But no, God loved you while you were his enemy (Romans 5:10). Really consider that for a minute. God’s love for you was not and never has been based on your performance. It is based on your intrinsic value, value that he placed in your being. And his desire to be in relationship with you is not a passing fancy or a mild preference — it is the point of all of creation. It’s all one cosmic love story, the grandest of romantic gestures, where God woos your heart despite its imperfections and failings.

This is true love. And our response is to love others because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). When we bring that kind of love to our friendships, our marriages, and ourselves, this is what brings true transformation and healing. It is that earthly delusion that erodes those relationships; when we expect “goodness” from others and ourselves, that counterfeit love is fragile. But when we impersonate Christ in those relationships and look for ways to forgive and love people despite their unsurprising imperfection, there life is found.

In conclusion, I would like to propose an alternative. Instead of telling ourselves or others that they are “good people,” let’s get more specific: “I love how you pursue Jesus in your life; you remind me of him.” “The way you play with your kids inspires me.” “The joy and faith you have in the midst of this trying time are incredible.” “I love how you say yes to God’s calling on your life.” “The way you and your wife invest in the health of your marriage is such a beautiful model to me and to our community.” By the way, this can be a helpful tool in your relationships in general. We sometimes get lazy with our compliments, but specificity is a powerful ally as we endeavor to speak life into one another and into ourselves.

Lord, may you remind us to give you all the glory. May we not cheapen the immensity of your love, your grace, your forgiveness by crediting ourselves or others as “good,” for you alone are good. And may our growing understanding of your love for us bring us greater freedom, peace, and love for ourselves and others so that the world would see Christ in us and come to embrace you.