How Christians Should Approach Conflict Differently: "Do Not Resist an Evil Person"

Imagine two men, Jeff and Dave, both living in a faraway land called Erath. Jeff is a citizen of Erath, but Dave is only a visitor. In fact, Dave is there on a work assignment; he is an ambassador for his country – Vehean – and he is tasked with increasing goodwill, promoting tourism to his home country, and ultimately facilitating immigration. One would expect there to be many differences in how these men lead their lives in Erath.

So it is with us.

The citizens of this world teach that in conflict, it is our job to protect ourselves, to achieve justice, and to do what is right for us. For these people, they are already home. They are their own kings.

But we are citizens and ambassadors of Heaven. We have a job to do, and this calls for a more winsome approach. As if that weren’t enough, our King has instructed us very clearly on how we are to act:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who – being in very nature God – did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing…he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death. Even death on a cross” (Philippians 2: 3-8, punctuation changed for emphasis).

Let’s unpack this a bit. Firstly, Paul addresses very explicitly what we should do with our sense of entitlement in conflict. Before Jesus took on flesh, humanity had been embroiled in an epic conflict with God that had lasted millennia. Then although he is God himself, although he has every reason, every justification to leverage his due, Jesus set it aside because doing so was exactly what was required to resolve the conflict. Sometimes it’s less about what is “right” and more about what is effective. Was it “right” for Jesus to die on our behalf? Absolutely not. But was it the most effective way to reconcile us to himself? Absolutely. 

Paul instructs believers to take on this same Christlike posture. I think there are three reasons: 1) That’s what is effective. 2) He is our king; we take our orders from him, and we follow his example. 3) Our goal is bigger than resolving this immediate conflict. We have a job to do. The next verse continues with “therefore,” a verbal signal that what follows is the logical extension of what came before:

“Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:9-11).

It’s easy to miss the connection Paul is making here. When Jesus humbled himself to resolve our conflict, it enacted a cosmic “therefore.” But Paul is not stopping there; we have our own piece of “therefore.” Paul is drawing a parallel between our response to conflict and Jesus’s. When we forgive others their trespasses, when we humble ourselves to reconcile with others, it catalyzes the same cosmic promise. Our humility in conflict can actually cause more knees to bow and more tongues to confess that Jesus is Lord. 

To truly “look to the interests of others” means to consider their greatest good — that is — Heaven. Speaking in eternal terms, is there anything more important than them being reconciled to God? Jesus models this in an incredibly powerful way. Consider his response to those attacking and betraying him leading up to the crucifixion: the first word he utters to Judas after the betrayal kiss is “friend”; he tells Peter to put away his sword and heals the man whose ear was cut off; he goes willingly with the mob; he remains silent in the face of mocking and torture; and ultimately, he expresses his forgiveness toward everyone who was cruel to him even as he was saving them: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

This is our job. We are Christ’s ambassadors. We’ve been tasked with promoting goodwill, increasing tourism, and facilitating immigration from Earth to Heaven. 

Our ability to reconcile with others and love them when they least deserve it is one of the most powerful witnesses we have (John 17:21), perhaps because the expected, earthly approach is so self-focused. There’s a natural tendency to withdraw and protect ourselves. It’s shocking when we do something different. People notice. When we’ve been hurt but we spread our arms wide as our Savior did, even when it sometimes means further injury and humiliation, we echo the gospel.

From a counseling perspective, this is so powerful because it shifts our value from being works-based to intrinsic. It says, “I love you because God loves you, even at your worst.” It takes direct aim at the default message encoded in far too many people’s hearts: “I’m only worthy of love if/when _____.” This toxic lie leads to shame and eventually death, but love based on intrinsic value leads to life. It can be absolutely transformative in marriage, with children, with parents, friends, and even strangers.

As Jesus said, even tax collectors love those who love them. Even pagans greet their own people. Jesus issues a higher calling: “Do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles” (Matthew 5:39-48).

Can you imagine actually, literally doing this in real life? It's a nice idea to read about, but I find it to be one of the most practically challenging concepts in scripture.

This may provoke in you a sense of violation. It goes against what you have learned about standing up for yourself, standing up for what is right. That is exactly the point. It may provoke the same in your assailant, and that may provide an opening for God’s prime objective: reaching the lost.

And we are not scared of injury in the same way these earthlings are, for we are eternal beings. When we return home, every tear will be wiped away. There will be no more pain or suffering. We do not balk at shame, for “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame” (Romans 5:3-5a). We know that when we humble ourselves to reconcile with others, it is not weakness but God’s strength within us. It takes great obedience to willingly take up your cross and bleed for others, but in this endeavor can you feel the pleasure of your Father, feeling your heart pulse for the same lost souls as His.

Abuse

This topic can be so difficult, partly because it is all too easy to read the above as an argument for staying in abusive situations. However, that is not God’s heart.

God himself models this for us in his relationship with the nation of Israel, giving chances as hearts move toward him but withdrawing as he is betrayed, abused, and neglected. Then there are centuries of separation and silence before Jesus shows up, changing the parameters of the relationship entirely.

In the New Testament, we learn even more about how to respond to abusive and/or unreceptive situations. As Jesus is sending out his disciples, he instructs them to search for “some worthy person” and then says, “If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you” and “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:11-14). A few chapters later in Matthew 18, Jesus lays out a process of how we should address when we are sinned against by a brother or sister in Christ. It is a tiered response, designed to use the smallest effective intervention and to maximize the likelihood they will repent. But if they don’t, distance and boundaries are prescribed.

You see, self-sacrifice is not a panacea – just as it wasn’t for God. Jesus sacrificed himself, but there are still countless souls who refuse to be in close, healthy relationship with God. As his followers, we sacrifice ourselves for others, and that counterintuitive gesture can soften them, bringing them to a compelling decision point. But they can still choose incorrectly. If they do, we can continue to love them and pray for them. However, especially in situations of abuse, we also shake off the dust from our feet and treat them as tax collectors. We get out of the abuse.

Too often, though, Christians stop short of these commands to shake off the dust and treat them like tax collectors because it “feels unloving.” But God works through our obedience. Far be it from us to believe we know better how to love those He created. In these cases, withdrawing is the most loving thing we can do. In a very Christlike way, our obedient withdrawal honors their clear request not to be in healthy, close relationship. Just as Jesus does not force himself on those who have rejected him, we cannot force a healthy relationship with those determined to abuse us.

Do not be confused: abuse is not a dysfunctional attempt at a healthy relationship. Abuse is the attempt to extract something from the other person. It devalues the image of God in the person experiencing the abuse and gives both parties the wrong view of their worth and purpose. It robs both parties of the abundant life we can experience through treating one another as God calls us to. Leaving abusive situations actually gives abusers the best chance to recognize these things and perhaps have a shot one day at healthy, reciprocal relationship, but staying in the abuse will not make it better. Jesus endured abuse, but he did not stay in it.

Whether abuse or not, our charge is this: offer truth, love, grace, and forgiveness. If these are received, hallelujah! If not, we are unequivocally directed to get out of that situation. Christians often struggle with this because it can feel contrary to the passage above encouraging us to “turn the other cheek” or “go the extra mile.” But we must remember: in each example, it is only one extra thing. It is not letting yourself get beaten to death. It is not indenturing yourself to a life of servitude. It’s one other cheek. One extra mile. It’s about loving someone at their worst in the name of Jesus that they might turn toward him. It is not about staying in abusive situations.

Navigating abuse can be indescribably difficult — emotionally, spiritually, legally, and logistically. If you think you might be in that situation, I urge you as a brother in Christ to seek help from a believer trained in responding to such cases. It can be so isolating, confusing, and tragic, and many well-meaning Christians will offer platitudes or unwise or even unbiblical advice, trying to love you but sometimes making things worse. Yet there is hope. And the God who saves sees you and loves you and is able to deliver you.

May God continue the work of deliverance in and through our lives. May he accomplish untold wonders as we submit ourselves to his direction. May he grant us wisdom to know when and how to lay down our lives as he did, and when to shake the dust off our feet. May he continue to equip us for the work of ambassadorship, making straight our paths as we seek to be his hands and feet to a world in desperate need of him.