After my last post, a friend sent me a message with one of the most important questions we can ask in our lives. Essentially, it was this: “Does God want me to reconcile with this person?”
I love the heart behind that question because it reveals an image-bearing desire to be reconciled to all people, just as God wants for himself. I find it helpful to make this connection because we can learn from how God approaches reconciliation: despite his great desire to have a close, healthy relationship with every person, God does not infringe upon our free will by forcing a one-sided relationship. He has taken every action possible to allow those who desire closeness to respond to that, but the rest is a gentle pursuit.
Let me first touch on some of the mental health concepts intersecting with this post:
Faith. The benefits of faith are widely regarded among therapists, proven to reduce pain, promote hope, reveal purpose, and much more.
Boundaries. In my opinion, the world overprescribes boundaries, and so does the church. Believers are called to get their hands dirty, to be uncomfortable, even sometimes to experience great pain for a greater cause. However, there are some biblical exceptions, places where we do draw lines. The right boundaries can help protect from ongoing abuse, toxic relationships, integrity issues, and more.
Forgiveness. This can be somewhat controversial, but I believe it’s biblically clear that Christians are always called to forgive (but not necessarily to reconcile). More details below. Furthermore, from a mental health standpoint, forgiveness done right can be one of the healthiest decisions we make for ourselves, unburdening our hearts and unlocking more joy and peace.
Relationships. Healthy relationships are an absolute must for overall wellbeing. If we can’t reconcile, this becomes much harder. Moreover, I would argue that sometimes a relationship reconciled can be richer and deeper than one that has never fractured in the first place.
Integrity/Integration. All parts of our lives existing in harmony is conducive to our wellbeing. Believing our faith and acting it out. Being the same person on Sunday morning and Tuesday afternoon and Friday night. Consistency from home to work to play, all in a way that resonates with who we want to be. God is clear that he detests “lukewarm” faith. If we are Christians, we must live as such, and that is where we experience the most overall wellbeing. The Christian faith is not just a nice idea or something to feel good about sometimes; it is Truth. The Bible was composed by the God who wove the fabric of reality. If we believe in Jesus, we must take seriously what he says, even the uncomfortable parts. As we integrate our lives and experience integrity, the result can be freedom, peace, and joy. We can feel God's face shining upon us.
To explore the question of whether you are called to reconcile with a specific person, I would like to consider Matthew 18:15-22. It was challenging to limit myself when choosing these verses, because I feel the context is so helpful in understanding Jesus’s train of thought. I think this chapter is one of the richest passages of scripture. It starts out by talking about how much God loves children, and how we are to become like children. Afterward, Jesus talks about his heart to pursue those who are lost, sharing the parable of God’s heart to leave the ninety-nine sheep to find the one that was missing, then the celebration when that sheep is found. Directly afterward, with the call of pursuit still echoing, these verses follow:
15 “If your brother or sister sins (some translations include “against you”), go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over (emphasis mine). 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
There’s a lot to unpack there. A few key points:
“Brother or sister” is language generally used for other church members, so considering this with the context of these passages, we can assume this process applies specifically to dealing with other believers. That is not to say that you should not try to reconcile with unbelievers, only that the process may be totally different. After all, unbelievers do not recognize the same standards and the same authority you do, so it calls for a different response. Furthermore, a believer’s top priority when relating to an unbeliever is usually to reveal Christ; after all, trying to heal one’s own scratch while ignoring the other’s mortal wound is an appalling misprioritization.
Matthew 18:15-17 is a blueprint for loving pursuit. The heart is to address the sin that is blocking the relationship so that relationship can be restored. It is tenacious, but it also has limits. If step one doesn’t work, you try step two. If step two doesn’t work, you try step three. But if step three doesn’t work, you put up healthy boundaries. We are not called to give unlimited chances. But there might also be important steps between confronting the sin and ending the relationship.
I say this with great compassion and with the massive caveat that a blog post is wholly insufficient to provide the deep care and wisdom required to address the nuances and layered pain of abusive situations. I urge you if that is your situation to find wise believers, ideally with qualified training addressing abusive relationships, to walk alongside you in this situation and help you discern the best path forward.
Matthew 18:15 hints at a critical issue in reconciliation: those who cause us pain are often at least partially oblivious to it. We must point it out. We do so without cushioning or minimizing it, full of truth, so they have the option to respond appropriately.
These situations often expose differences of opinion or interpretation. That’s part of the reason for bringing along two or three others in step two. One of the goals with all of this is unity in the body of Christ. If we can all agree on what is right and what is wrong as we seek to become more Christlike together, it can have a purifying effect on everyone. While bringing along your “two or three,” they hopefully have a bit more distance and objectivity from the issue to help clarify things and win this person over so you can all be unified.
See my last blog post about how we are to treat tax collectors. TLDR: Love them, but don’t allow them to be in your inner circle.
Verse 18 suggests there are eternal consequences to our obedience in pursuing reconciliation. Biblically I think it is clear this is a matter very near to God’s heart, one of the most critical issues for believers to embrace.
Verses 19 and 20 are often misapplied, but when considered in context, they’re clearly related to reconciliation. I believe part of what Jesus is saying in verse 19 is that when two believers in conflict agree to ask for and pursue reconciliation in his name, God will provide it. Having been a part of many reconciliation processes, I have seen this borne out over and over again, although it doesn't always happen to the point of complete restoration, which is probably another blog post entirely. That being said, to go from completely being at odds to finding a way to coexist again is a big win. From my perspective, the only times when reconciliation has been impossible have been those where at least one party is not agreed about the goal. I have seen people participate in a conversation where everyone else agrees to ask for reconciliation but one person is asking God to punish the other person — or worse yet, they are taking it upon themselves to punish the other party. I believe this tragic mismatch reveals a hardheartedness usually caused by trauma and/or a habitual choosing their own way rather than submitting fully to God's direction for their lives.
Verses 21 and 22 reveal the integral role forgiveness plays in all of this, which I believe can be separate from the other person’s repentance. The Chosen, Season 4, Episode 2 has a beautiful depiction of these verses, underscoring how all-encompassing forgiveness is. We are always called to forgive. However, this instruction stands in direct contrast with verses 15-17, which is about the condition of the relationship itself. Whether the person is repentant or not, we are called to forgive, but that doesn’t mean the relationship has been restored. We can only have relational intimacy when there is repentance for sin. By the way, if you are having trouble talking to the other person about how they sinned against you, what if you tried working on forgiveness first? If you do that, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them about their sin later if God is directing you to do that; you courage and obedience to do so can be incredibly loving and can deepen your own healing.
After this passage, Jesus tells one of his most disturbing parables about how wrong unforgiveness is, as well as the reason we forgive: we have had all of our sins forgiven, so why would we hold this person’s sin against them?
So, am I called to reconcile with this person? My first instinct is to ask, ‘Have you prayed about it?’ But I don’t ask that here because sometimes Christians make the mistake of praying for answers when God has already clearly provided them in the Bible. That being said, if matters are still uncertain after consulting the word, prayer for direction is a wonderful step, as is consulting other wise believers who can help you navigate this.
Based on our consideration with scripture so far, I would say you have a few things to consider as you explore whether you are called to reconcile a specific relationship:
Do your fractured relationships grieve your heart the way they grieve God's? If not, what if you prayed for your heart to become more like his? What would it look like to leave the 99 sheep in your life to pursue the one that has become lost?
Have you followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process? If you haven't and you are experiencing unresolved relational pain, you have work to do.
If you have followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process but the person is not repentant, the Bible indicates you are to treat this person with a level of distance and even distrust. Ultimately, they are not submitted to the same God. This person is either a fool or is living in outright sin. Either way, this is not the kind of person you want intimately influencing your life. Importantly, it is not your job to save this “tax collector.” Consider also that this person has once enjoyed being a part of the body of Christ. They probably know the path back to the fold. In this sense, they may not be a lost sheep; they may be a rebellious sheep, and you reconciling into relational intimacy with an unrepentant sinner might constitute your own rebellion and bring also its own dire consequences.
As my last post suggested, I don't believe that is automatically the end of the story. Just as Jesus pursued the lost sheep (and the tax collectors), I believe we are called to a gentle pursuit of others, beckoning them into a life of holiness. As you align your heart more with God's and explore how he might be calling you to pursue this person, sometimes he will give you another invitation that goes beyond the "treat them like a tax collector" instructions.
Have you forgiven this person? If not, you have work to do. Here’s a fun little biblical Easter egg: there is great significance in the numbers in the Bible. The number 7 symbolizes perfect completion. When Jesus says we are to forgive seventy-seven times, it foreshadows the parable to come. Seventy (big number of perfect completion) symbolizes the perfect, complete work Jesus accomplished on the cross, forgiving all of our sins. Seven shows our part, our work to play out the gospel and extend a fraction of the grace we have been shown by completely forgiving others. We do not have a choice about forgiveness. Refusal to forgive shows that we have not grasped the immensity of what we have been forgiven. It shows we are not following God, and likely we have not embraced his forgiveness for us; instead we may still be living in the poverty of believing we still owe a debt we can never pay, and so we scrape every miserly bit we can from the other urchins as our heavenly father grieves our rebellion, urging us to repent, claim our crowns, and sit at the table of the feast he has prepared for us.
Here are a few other scriptures and thoughts that may up the ante and clarify things even more:
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24).
Consider what God is saying here. Rather than worshiping him and/or atoning for your sins at the altar, God wants you to urgently be reconciled.
The person in the passage isn’t the one with the grievance. If your brother or sister has something against you, you still have a biblical responsibility to take action to resolve it.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18).
The obvious implication here is that it’s not always possible. But when it is, we are called to do whatever we can.
Notably, this verse is specifically talking about those outside the church. In other words, when it says everyone, it actually means everyone.
It is also important to recognize that living at peace is not the same thing as living in a close relationship. The church in Acts shared “everything in common.” They were living like a family. But the way we interact with the world at large is different. It’s living at peace, but it’s not as intimate. We invite others to join the family of God, yet until they are adopted in, we interact a bit differently, largely because the world does not follow Jesus; our faith, if it is real, dictates the direction of everything else in our lives. How could we have any enduring intimacy with people who are headed in an opposite direction and who have totally different values from ours? Some of you reading this may think, for example, “What about a value of kindness?” When we get practical, it breaks down. For example, a nonbeliever would probably say it’s kind to respect everyone’s beliefs and to honor all faiths. But a believer knows that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. They know the unbeliever’s “kindness” leads to Hell. This is not to say we cannot agree with nonbelievers on superficial things, but on eternal matters, we are oil and water, which can be at peace but will be inherently separate.
John 17:23 communicates the stakes, according to Jesus. Just before Jesus was crucified (these are his deathbed words, so to speak), Jesus is praying that his church would be in unity, and when they are, “Then the world will know that [God] sent [Jesus].” This is the measure Jesus provided, the piece of proof that will win hearts to his kingdom. “By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).
How can we do this? Part of the secret is found in this truth: our suffering is not the point, it is merely a means to an end. Salvation is the point. As followers of Jesus, we know we will have suffering in this life, and it’s worth it. To be a soldier for Jesus means we will face hardship as we fight to win people’s souls (2 Timothy 2:3). We also know that in suffering, God is sovereign and loving. In this crucible will he refine, discipline, purify — producing perseverance, character, holiness. Thank God there is great purpose in our pain.
So I ask you, soldier: what is God leading you to do?
Do not waste this moment of conviction. Do not set it on a shelf. Set your obedience in motion. Send the text, make the call, schedule the coffee.
May the Lord guide you and equip you as you walk in obedience to him. May he work wonders in your situation, bringing untold blessing and healing. May his kingdom expand through your mighty soldiering, and may hearts be the prize.
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