Not "Out of Nowhere." Recognizing and Responding to Warning Signs of Tragedy

Your worst nightmare comes to life. You’ve heard about stories like these, but you never thought it would happen to you. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and now your whole world has turned upside-down. It’s a terrifying feeling.

Grasping in the dark chaos, many people turn to denial, justification, and minimizing. But research shows those with the best outcomes are those who are able to formulate a cohesive narrative of what happened and why. And that is the heart of this post.

We need to understand why, for several reasons. Here are a few:

1. Perpetrators need to face the weight of what they have done. They need to understand how they got here if they are to have any hope of healing and not finding themselves here again later. We want to tell ourselves it was a one-time, out-of-nowhere thing. But it wasn’t. Unless we resolve the underlying issues.

2. Those who bear the brunt of someone else’s sin need to see that this was not random. That they can trust again. That it won’t come out of the blue next time, even if they couldn’t have prevented it this first time. The world feels horrifying if anyone could do something like this at any moment. And the media often doesn’t help; we hear story after story of seemingly “good” people who suddenly snapped and did awful things. That’s not real life, though. It’s a punchy headline that sells because fear sells. We need to understand the backstory to know how the boogeyman was made so we know he is not everyman.

3. Many people see the horrible things that others do and they wonder in the quiet in-between of their souls whether they might be capable of the same. And the truth is, they probably are. But it doesn’t come out of nowhere. We need to understand why it happened so we know we won’t just randomly commit the same atrocities. We also need to understand why so we can see the similarities in our own stories and bring the festering parts into the light so they can be healed. So we aren’t overcome by what we despise.

If you are not ready to hear this, I apologize, and I ask for your grace. But for those who are ready, I offer this sobering reality: there were warning signs. It’s not your fault that you missed them. In fact, there are understandable reasons you missed them, but that doesn’t mean the signs weren’t there. Thank God there were signs. Thank God we can look back to understand what led to this devastation and, Lord-willing, to avoid it next time. What a mercy that is.

If you are standing in the wake, I urge you brothers and sisters, study the signs.

For the perpetrator/betrayer,

Let go of the shame and anger. You will not be able to do any of your work until you stop holding the blinders of anger in the silo of shame. Your work only makes sense in light of the love and forgiveness of Christ. Truly embrace those, and you have hope of a life without what led you here. You must strive to forgive yourself and love yourself and Christ forgave and loved you when didn’t deserve it. To hold onto self-hatred is a grievous pride that precludes healing.

Start with the darkness. Start with the things you kept hidden that fed the growth of this evil. Figure out why you hid those things and what lies the Enemy nurtured to keep those things shrouded.

Look at how you were wounded. Forgive those people, and bring those wounds to Jesus, asking for His healing.

Consider your boundaries. Where have you compromised loving boundaries due to codependence, hedonism, idolatry, or other evils?

Evaluate biblical relationships. Most perpetrators of great evils have superficial relationships, transactional relationships, or live in isolation. The Bible calls us to be in close community with fellow believers to encourage one another and to submit to one another in love.

Repent. Repentance is not apology (although that’s a good idea). It is turning from sin and walking in righteousness. It is not a momentary decision so much as a way of living.

There is so much more I could say here, but let me just reiterate that learning “why” and sharing it with your loved ones and victims is incredibly important, and it is your sole responsibility. However, it is heroic work that cannot be done alone. A Christian counselor can help.

For Those Most Hurt

This part is tricky because the pain can be so overwhelming, so traumatic, that it is not wise to pursue the journey of healing alone. Sometimes it’s not even wise to pursue it without the help of a professional Christian counselor who can help use evidence-based techniques to properly treat your trauma. So if you are right in the thick of it, I would not recommend doing the following work on your own. That being said, here’s what healing typically looks like:

• Take inventory of the pain. Healing is rarely possible without doing this. People often live in denial, or they spend their whole lives running away from the agony that is attached to them. For it to be resolved, the pain must be acknowledged. It must be looked in the eye, validated, and treated. This can actually be incredibly empowering. For many people, once they experience the worst pain imaginable, they report that fear played a much smaller role in their lives afterward. In retrospect, many people also report a faithfulness, closeness, and comfort of God that served as an anchor in future hardships. For the most painful seasons, however, we often cannot feel the closeness of God in the moment. It is only as the tragedy wanes that we recognize he was near all along, holding us, protecting us, crafting our convalescence. We can’t get to that point until we stop running from the pain, though.

• Forgive. Seeing this word plopped in as the second bullet point may feel insulting, agonizingly oversimplified, but I want to encourage you that the distance between the first and second bullets may be a chasm. There are two other important things to remember about forgiveness: 1) As Christ followers, we are commanded to always forgive, and 2) Because God is love, this commandment must be loving, and indeed it is. Forgiveness primarily benefits the forgiver.

• Be wise about trusting this person again. A biblical precondition for trust after sin like this is their repentance. If they have not repented, you should not trust them. Furthermore, repentance is not a moment; it is sustained. Therefore, you should not quickly trust someone who has egregiously violated you. It often takes time to prove repentance is genuine. Finally, you are not commanded to trust this person again; let your holy desire, God’s love, and divine direction be your guide here — not a sense of obligation or guilt.

• Use wise boundaries. If you decide to trust again, as you rebuild it and protect it, use wise boundaries. A lack of boundaries is prideful and/or foolish. Carefully considered boundaries can help you recognize the signs if you are again headed to disaster, and they can facilitate further healing and growth, as well as minimizing the likelihood of future destruction.

To The One Who Worries What He Might Become

• Be honest. Take a good look at the evidence of your life, both the evidence for and against your great fear. If you need help sorting through this, have a Christian counselor or trusted loved one help.

  • The Bad. Look at the areas of your life that have you on the road to destruction. These areas must urgently be addressed. The Bible is clear about the call to righteousness and Jesus’s uncompromising stance on sin. Too many so-called Christians and milktoast churches nowadays pervert the gospel to excuse sin in the name of grace — but the real gospel of grace is made powerful because of the seriousness of sin! We are called to be holy, to live in the light, to be free, to walk as co-heirs with Christ, adopted into sonship in the family of God, striving in Kingdom work! Sin has no place in the redeemed, and we are commanded to vigilantly purge it from our lives! This is not just a heart posture, this is a discipline. It’s the difference between deciding you want muscles and going to the gym.

  • The Good. We must also be realistic about the protective factors, the things that make our stories different from the perpetrators’. We should not be complacent or prideful, because we all have capacity for great evil, but we should not live in fear that we will suddenly tumble off a cliff as we stand in the middle of a field. We are the recipients of great promises, and we have available to us great wisdom. We can be assured that we belong to Christ, and we can pursue his good plans for us which he has prepared in advance for us to do. And as we run toward our true Lord, we also run away from the lord of lies.

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I think if we are honest with ourselves, we can all find times when we have played each of these roles to some extent. The invitation is to have the necessary conversations in the fulness of grace and truth. When we bring a Christlike love to these critical questions, transformation and healing are the result.

No matter where you find yourself in the rubble, I pray you will find out why this happened. And as you ask those excruciating questions, I pray God Almighty will comfort you and give you peace. May he bind up every wound and wash you clean in his great love and mercy. May the “why” you find bring clarity and closure, and may it be eclipsed by the glory of God’s immeasurable grace through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

DIY Conflict Resolution Guidelines

I’ve seen it happen with clients, church members, family members, and friends: it can be really challenging to sit in conflict and disunity while we wait for someone else to help. Especially with married couples or people in close relationships, it can be excruciating to survive in near proximity while conflict remains unresolved. That’s what this post is for.

Conflict Resolution: Tools for Healing Relationships

But first, the disclaimers: there will be times when this post is not enough. There will be times when you need professional help, and you must endure the waiting. There are times when even professional help is not enough. See Paul and Barnabas’s sharp disagreement in Acts 15 (which seems to have improved after the passage of significant time). However, my hope and prayer for you is that these tools will help equip you to do more DIY conflict resolution that works. If you still require professional assistance, at the very least, these tools will help you to get more out of that time and to feel better about the work you’ve already done walking in.

Powerful Tools for Conflict Resolution

Without further ado, here are some of the most powerful tools we can use in conflict resolution:

1. Start from a Calm Place

First, address conflict from a calm emotional state. This is an absolute gamechanger. In fact, I consider it a nonstarter if you don’t have this foundation for your conversation. Biblically speaking, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). The Gottmans, pioneers of couples therapy research, refer to this as “soft startup.” Their findings on this are mind-blowing. A harsh startup is literally a death sentence for the conversation. Based on how soft or harsh the first three minutes of the interaction are, the rest of the episode follows suit ninety-six percent of the time! In other words, start harsh, end harsh (and usually unresolved). Start soft, end soft (and often reconciled).

2. How to Start Soft

How do I start soft? I’ll go into more of this later, but one of the most important concepts is positivity. The Gottmans find that flourishing relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the midst of conflict. In everyday life, it’s much higher — 20:1! That may seem foreign, but it’s possible. Some of it is just basics: “I” statements are positive, while “you” statements are often accusations. Negative assumptions about others feel like criticism, but deferential questions can be positive. Apologies and thank you’s, when effectively done, are also positive.

Another tip for remaining soft is seeking to understand. The Gottmans assert that arguments have three stages, and most issues arise when we move too quickly through the second stage (understanding) to the third stage (problem-solving). When in doubt, make it your goal to understand and love the other person. Before you move on to problem-solving, ensure they feel loved and understood. If you’re not sure you’re ready, try to understand them even more deeply.

3. Practical Ways to Seek Understanding

Some practical ways to seek deeper understanding include:

• “Will you tell me more about that?”

• Reflection, summary, and checks for understanding can also be really helpful: “It sounds like you’re saying ________. Am I getting that right?”

• “So when I said __________, it really hurt because ____________. Is that right?”

  
  

Avoid parroting, which means just repeating word-for-word. Instead, use synonyms, identify themes, and focus on the most important parts. Don’t forget to check to make sure your understanding is correct.

4. What If It Escalates?

What if it escalates to become harsh? This is a crucial question, and it can be life-changing when people adopt this for the first time. If things get escalated, pause. Really. Hit pause, calm down, and revisit it later. Don’t get one last jab in on the way out. Instead, take credit whenever you can: “I can tell I’m getting too frustrated to handle this as well as I would like to. The truth is I care about you, but I feel like I need to calm down before I can continue. Can we revisit this in ______ (minutes/hours)?” No more than 24 hours.

Physiologically, it will typically take between 20 and 60 minutes for you to get back to a calm state. When you’re both ready, it should be revisited urgently but calmly. The Bible is clear about the urgency of resolving disagreements. It also states, “It is to your glory to overlook an offense.” Kindness leads to repentance, and we should love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, and remove the log from our own eye. Neurologically, we simply are not capable of doing those things when we are really upset.

5. Calming Techniques

If we are to function in partnership with the Holy Spirit in this interaction, we must be calm. If we can’t be calm, we must pause until we can. There’s no shortage of calming resources and tools online. However, thinking about the perfect comeback or your next counterattack is not calming. Instead, try reading and meditating on scripture, like 1 Corinthians 13. Then try praying, including praying for the other person. Add in some deep breathing, and as you do, ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you and invite God’s peace into your body.

6. Have the Conversation in Person

Have the conversation in person. Do your best to come from a place of fullness: be rested, fed, hydrated, and prayed up, to the best of your ability. During the conversation, be unhurried and undistracted. Show your love and openness with your body language.

7. Focus on Your Feelings

Focus on your feelings, being careful not to fall into the trap of unhelpful arguments over facts. Reflect on how you were wounded, then share your hurts, insecurities, and fears with the other person without accusing. For example, “When you said, ‘__________’ (objective fact without judgment), I felt _________ (emotion/hurt) because ____________ (vulnerable information revealing fear/insecurity).”

This can be a good formula, but it doesn’t always work. For example, they could say, “I didn’t say that,” and then you could devolve into an unproductive disagreement over what was said. So agree where you can. Compromise where you can, especially where it’s not important. For example, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to misrepresent what you said. I can’t exactly remember. I just remember when you were talking about that, I felt ______.” That’s where the hurt is, and that’s what needs to be addressed for reconciliation.

8. Clarify Intent vs. Impact

Clarify the difference between intent and impact. Most hurts in conflict are about impact, not intent. Understand how your words and actions impacted the other person negatively and apologize for that. Sometimes it is helpful and appropriate to clarify your intent, but sometimes it makes things worse, especially if you haven’t yet apologized for the impact of what you have done because it just sounds defensive.

When you are sharing how you have been hurt, focus on the impact, but do not make accusations about intent; you can’t know that. Occasionally, your mind has created a narrative about their intent that needs to be addressed. When that is the case, ask a non-judgmental question: “Can you help me understand where you were coming from when you said/did that?”

9. Bring Truth and Love

Strive to bring the fullness of truth and love to this interaction. Both are necessary, and the more you can bring both, the better your conversation will generally go. However, be wise about what truths you focus on. The truth of that historical fact is not nearly as important for reconciliation as how you felt wounded in that moment. Sharing the latter and speaking the truth in love can lead to healing.

10. Be Quick to Apologize

Be quick to apologize. Apology is hard, especially for some people, particularly those whose parents didn’t model and teach it well. Many people feel it can actually be dishonest to be too apologetic or that it can be a sign of weakness.

Let’s start with honesty. When you separate intent from impact and apologize for the impact, you can honestly apologize much more easily. For example, “I’m so sorry that I made you feel left out when I didn’t invite you to that event.” This essentially says, “I heard you when you said you felt left out, and I realize now my actions had that impact. I care about you enough to acknowledge that and to apologize.”

11. The Strength in Apologizing

I have a theory that it doesn’t hurt to over-apologize in the right way. Some people can’t bring themselves to apologize in the way I just suggested because they say, “I can’t make someone feel something.” If they agree and you over-apologize, they will naturally make that correction in their own minds and take more responsibility themselves. They will appreciate your humility and grace.

But if they see it differently, if they really feel like you did make them feel that way, your apology will have a chance of landing if you over-apologize. Furthermore, Jesus is the classic example of over-apologizing. Essentially, the Old Testament is humanity messing up again and again and apologizing again and again. It never being enough for us to remain in right relationship with God. Then Jesus came along and apologized for our sin on the cross so we could be reconciled to God.

12. The Choice to Forgive

We almost never choose to be hurt, but we do choose to forgive. Very rarely do people hurt themselves on purpose or choose to be offended. However, overlooking an offense does have to be a conscious decision. The more you make that decision, the more automatic it can become. Critically, though, overlooking an offense is not the same thing as suppressing it. “Overlooking it” is essentially forgiveness. And forgiveness is also a choice, one that Jesus is clear He is asking us to make, over and over.

13. Consider Boundaries Carefully

Consider boundaries carefully. The world is quick to prescribe boundaries, but in this world of cancel culture and growing social isolationism, the Bible approaches it a bit differently. Matthew 18 describes a process by which we should address when a “brother” (a fellow Christian) sins against you. The end of that passage suggests boundaries if they repeatedly refuse to repent.

Interestingly, it is also clear throughout the Bible that God’s people are not to be really close companions with fools, evil people, or anyone who is not following God. There’s a lot of nuance and discernment involved, but I’ll summarize this way: God’s primary heart in all of this is for people. When our kindness to others helps us bring people to Jesus, great! But when people are unrepentant and deny Christ, we are not to stay close to them for fear we will be dragged away.

14. Avoid Conversational Fouls

Avoid conversational fouls. Fouls are called in many sports to help keep the game fair and safe for everyone. But in relationships, the fouls are often unspoken, frequently committed, and regularly unaddressed. This list could be long, but I’m going to keep it to the main ones I see most often:

1. Telling someone else what they are thinking/feeling

2. Stating your assumptions/interpretations as fact

3. “You should know why I’m upset” (expecting the other person to be a mind-reader)

4. Passive aggression

5. Blame

6. Criticism

7. Contempt (treating others with hatred communicated through words, actions, body language, etc.)

8. Defensiveness

9. Stonewalling

10. Sarcasm used in conflict

11. Any kind of abuse

12. Threats

13. “Kitchen sinking” (trying to deal with more than one issue at once)

14. Bandwagoning (involving others in the argument to sound more compelling)

15. Triangulation and gossip

16. Name-calling

17. Cussing (Segments of the Christian addiction recovery community consider cussing a form of emotional unrestraint, immaturity, and manipulation)

It should be noted that humor can provide a powerful exception to many of these fouls. When appreciated by both parties, humor offers repair and tension diffusion. But it’s a risk. Attempts at humor can come across as “not taking this seriously,” so do your best to know your audience and adjust if humor isn’t having the intended effect.

15. Persevere in Conflict Resolution

Persevere. I have witnessed standstills of decades achieve breakthrough when both parties are willing to persevere in trying to implement the above and stick with it over time. We don’t know how long it will take, but you might fairly expect it to take time: the tools I’ve mentioned above are difficult to master. Difficult but worth it. Give yourself and the others in this situation grace and don’t give up.

16. The Importance of Seeking Help

One of the greatest ways to honor your relationship is to seek outside help if you need it. If you are not able to reconcile on your own, involving the right other people is courageous, obedient, wise, humble, and loving. As you seek that help, I urge you to seek a Christian. Not just someone who works with Christians or someone who is lukewarm — seek help from someone who proclaims Jesus as Lord of their life, who is unapologetic about the authority of Scripture, and someone whose life shows the fruit of reconciliation and service to Christ. If that person is trained in helping others and/or is a professional counselor, so much the better.

Holy Spirit, fill us with wisdom, love, and patience. Lord, bring unity in this situation. We ask for healing and growth (which are often the same thing) on all sides. Show me where I have wronged and where I can apologize. Give me a soft heart. Help me to know how to offer healing, and give me the strength and humility to offer it generously. Please minister to my soul and make me more like you. And restore unity, Lord. Above all, may you be glorified and may your will be done far above what we could ask or imagine. Amen.

Discovering Value: A Journey Through Antiques and Self-Worth

Embracing the Beauty of Antiques

In recent years, my wife and I have developed a deep appreciation for antiques. In a world that often feels disposable, we admire the quality and care put into items designed to last for generations. I recently finished reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, a thought-provoking book that aligns with our newfound perspective. It emphasizes a simple, methodical approach that values hand-carved craftsmanship over flat-pack convenience. This journey has led me to realize that the way of Jesus is simple, deep, slow, and quiet.

A Flea Market Adventure

With this mindset, my wife and I decided to visit a flea market with a friend. If you’ve never been to one, I recommend approaching with caution. It’s a sprawling cacophony of treasures surrounded by a lot of rough. Imagine a hundred garage sales crammed into a space big enough for seventy-five. For those willing to navigate the chaos, delightful rewards await.

On this particular visit, I felt an inexplicable sense that I would find an original painting. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. Sure enough, as I scanned the wares, I spotted it about a third of the way through my journey. From a distance, I saw an original oil painting in a custom fine art frame. My father is an artist, and my time with him taught me to recognize valuable art, even when others overlook it.

"Mr. Popular" - Anita Mosher Solich

The Beauty of the Painting

The painter's skill was evident. She used color masterfully, applying rich oils generously. The dimension of form beckoned from the canvas, creating a timeless, pastoral scene that invited viewers to appreciate its beauty. As I absorbed the painting, my heart leapt. It felt too good to be true. After researching the artist, I discovered she was a renowned local painter. The price for the painting was astonishingly low, so I decided to purchase it and figure out the details later.

In the days that followed, I reached out to the artist, who recognized her work and confirmed its authenticity. Interestingly, she mentioned that many people had claimed to own her pieces, but most were not hers. However, mine was genuine. She kindly issued me a certificate of authenticity and provided a dollar value for insurance purposes. The true value of the painting was over fifty times what I had paid for it.

A Growing Affection

As my wife and I admired the painting in the days that followed, our love for it grew. We decided to hang it in my office, where it can be appreciated by many and serve as a parable.

This painting represents many of my clients. You are masterfully created, imbued with immense value. This world can feel like a flea market, placing a price on you that is far below your true worth. As a therapist, I see myself in this story. Trained by my Father, I recognize your true nature and aim to help you achieve redemption. You have been purchased at a price. God himself sees his workmanship and the immeasurable worth he placed within you. He calls you to reject the flea market price tag and accept your actual value. You are designed to display his glory and bless others. By accepting that appraisal, you can fulfill your purpose.

Recognizing Your Worth

I pray you see the Artist's masterful strokes within yourself. Each part of you has been designed with care and intention. May you humbly agree with his appraisal and submit yourself to display the riches of his glory, goodness, and love as he wills. Embrace your God-given radiance, shining before others and proclaiming Christ.

The Journey of Self-Discovery

Understanding your value is a journey. It requires patience and reflection. Just like the painting, you may have layers that need to be uncovered. Each brushstroke tells a story, and so does your life. Embrace the process of self-discovery. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it.

Finding Support Along the Way

As you navigate this journey, remember that support is available. Whether through counseling, community, or personal reflection, you don’t have to do it alone. Seek out those who can help you recognize your worth. Together, we can uncover the beauty that lies within.

Embracing Transformation

Transformation is possible. Just as I found a hidden treasure in that flea market, you can discover the value within yourself. Embrace the changes that come your way. They may lead you to a deeper understanding of who you are and what you can offer to the world.

Conclusion: Your True Value

In conclusion, remember that you are a masterpiece. Like the painting that now hangs in my office, you are crafted with care and intention. Embrace your worth, reject the false price tags, and shine brightly. Your journey is unique, and I’m here to support you every step of the way.

I should mention that my mother is also a highly skilled artist, and I learned just as much from her! For purposes of the parable, though, I wrote specifically about my father in this post. Love you, Mom and Dad!