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Writer's picture: Lee FreemanLee Freeman

After my last post, a friend sent me a message with one of the most important questions we can ask in our lives. Essentially, it was this: “Does God want me to reconcile with this person?”


I love the heart behind that question because it reveals an image-bearing desire to be reconciled to all people, just as God wants for himself. I find it helpful to make this connection because we can learn from how God approaches reconciliation: despite his great desire to have a close, healthy relationship with every person, God does not infringe upon our free will by forcing a one-sided relationship. He has taken every action possible to allow those who desire closeness to respond to that, but the rest is a gentle pursuit.


Let me first touch on some of the mental health concepts intersecting with this post:

  • Faith. The benefits of faith are widely regarded among therapists, proven to reduce pain, promote hope, reveal purpose, and much more.

  • Boundaries. In my opinion, the world overprescribes boundaries, and so does the church. Believers are called to get their hands dirty, to be uncomfortable, even sometimes to experience great pain for a greater cause. However, there are some biblical exceptions, places where we do draw lines. The right boundaries can help protect from ongoing abuse, toxic relationships, integrity issues, and more.

  • Forgiveness. This can be somewhat controversial, but I believe it’s biblically clear that Christians are always called to forgive (but not necessarily to reconcile). More details below. Furthermore, from a mental health standpoint, forgiveness done right can be one of the healthiest decisions we make for ourselves, unburdening our hearts and unlocking more joy and peace.

  • Relationships. Healthy relationships are an absolute must for overall wellbeing. If we can’t reconcile, this becomes much harder. Moreover, I would argue that sometimes a relationship reconciled can be richer and deeper than one that has never fractured in the first place.

  • Integrity/Integration. All parts of our lives existing in harmony is conducive to our wellbeing. Believing our faith and acting it out. Being the same person on Sunday morning and Tuesday afternoon and Friday night. Consistency from home to work to play, all in a way that resonates with who we want to be. God is clear that he detests “lukewarm” faith. If we are Christians, we must live as such, and that is where we experience the most overall wellbeing. The Christian faith is not just a nice idea or something to feel good about sometimes; it is Truth. The Bible was composed by the God who wove the fabric of reality. If we believe in Jesus, we must take seriously what he says, even the uncomfortable parts. As we integrate our lives and experience integrity, the result can be freedom, peace, and joy. We can feel God's face shining upon us.


To explore the question of whether you are called to reconcile with a specific person, I would like to consider Matthew 18:15-22. It was challenging to limit myself when choosing these verses, because I feel the context is so helpful in understanding Jesus’s train of thought. I think this chapter is one of the richest passages of scripture. It starts out by talking about how much God loves children, and how we are to become like children. Afterward, Jesus talks about his heart to pursue those who are lost, sharing the parable of God’s heart to leave the ninety-nine sheep to find the one that was missing, then the celebration when that sheep is found. Directly afterward, with the call of pursuit still echoing, these verses follow:


15 “If your brother or sister sins (some translations include “against you”), go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over (emphasis mine). 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.


18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.


19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”


21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”


22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.


There’s a lot to unpack there. A few key points:

  • “Brother or sister” is language generally used for other church members, so considering this with the context of these passages, we can assume this process applies specifically to dealing with other believers. That is not to say that you should not try to reconcile with unbelievers, only that the process may be totally different. After all, unbelievers do not recognize the same standards and the same authority you do, so it calls for a different response. Furthermore, a believer’s top priority when relating to an unbeliever is usually to reveal Christ; after all, trying to heal one’s own scratch while ignoring the other’s mortal wound is an appalling misprioritization.

  • Matthew 18:15-17 is a blueprint for loving pursuit. The heart is to address the sin that is blocking the relationship so that relationship can be restored. It is tenacious, but it also has limits. If step one doesn’t work, you try step two. If step two doesn’t work, you try step three. But if step three doesn’t work, you put up healthy boundaries. We are not called to give unlimited chances. But there might also be important steps between confronting the sin and ending the relationship. 

    • I say this with great compassion and with the massive caveat that a blog post is wholly insufficient to provide the deep care and wisdom required to address the nuances and layered pain of abusive situations. I urge you if that is your situation to find wise believers, ideally with qualified training addressing abusive relationships, to walk alongside you in this situation and help you discern the best path forward.

  • Matthew 18:15 hints at a critical issue in reconciliation: those who cause us pain are often at least partially oblivious to it. We must point it out. We do so without cushioning or minimizing it, full of truth, so they have the option to respond appropriately.

  • These situations often expose differences of opinion or interpretation. That’s part of the reason for bringing along two or three others in step two. One of the goals with all of this is unity in the body of Christ. If we can all agree on what is right and what is wrong as we seek to become more Christlike together, it can have a purifying effect on everyone. While bringing along your “two or three,” they hopefully have a bit more distance and objectivity from the issue to help clarify things and win this person over so you can all be unified.

  • See my last blog post about how we are to treat tax collectors. TLDR: Love them, but don’t allow them to be in your inner circle.

  • Verse 18 suggests there are eternal consequences to our obedience in pursuing reconciliation. Biblically I think it is clear this is a matter very near to God’s heart, one of the most critical issues for believers to embrace.

  • Verses 19 and 20 are often misapplied, but when considered in context, they’re clearly related to reconciliation. I believe part of what Jesus is saying in verse 19 is that when two believers in conflict agree to ask for and pursue reconciliation in his name, God will provide it. Having been a part of many reconciliation processes, I have seen this borne out over and over again, although it doesn't always happen to the point of complete restoration, which is probably another blog post entirely. That being said, to go from completely being at odds to finding a way to coexist again is a big win. From my perspective, the only times when reconciliation has been impossible have been those where at least one party is not agreed about the goal. I have seen people participate in a conversation where everyone else agrees to ask for reconciliation but one person is asking God to punish the other person — or worse yet, they are taking it upon themselves to punish the other party. I believe this tragic mismatch reveals a hardheartedness usually caused by trauma and/or a habitual choosing their own way rather than submitting fully to God's direction for their lives.

  • Verses 21 and 22 reveal the integral role forgiveness plays in all of this, which I believe can be separate from the other person’s repentance. The Chosen, Season 4, Episode 2 has a beautiful depiction of these verses, underscoring how all-encompassing forgiveness is. We are always called to forgive. However, this instruction stands in direct contrast with verses 15-17, which is about the condition of the relationship itself. Whether the person is repentant or not, we are called to forgive, but that doesn’t mean the relationship has been restored. We can only have relational intimacy when there is repentance for sin. By the way, if you are having trouble talking to the other person about how they sinned against you, what if you tried working on forgiveness first? If you do that, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them about their sin later if God is directing you to do that; you courage and obedience to do so can be incredibly loving and can deepen your own healing.

  • After this passage, Jesus tells one of his most disturbing parables about how wrong unforgiveness is, as well as the reason we forgive: we have had all of our sins forgiven, so why would we hold this person’s sin against them?


So, am I called to reconcile with this person? My first instinct is to ask, ‘Have you prayed about it?’ But I don’t ask that here because sometimes Christians make the mistake of praying for answers when God has already clearly provided them in the Bible. That being said, if matters are still uncertain after consulting the word, prayer for direction is a wonderful step, as is consulting other wise believers who can help you navigate this.

A man and woman in an emotional embrace

Based on our consideration with scripture so far, I would say you have a few things to consider as you explore whether you are called to reconcile a specific relationship:

  1. Do your fractured relationships grieve your heart the way they grieve God's? If not, what if you prayed for your heart to become more like his? What would it look like to leave the 99 sheep in your life to pursue the one that has become lost?

  2. Have you followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process? If you haven't and you are experiencing unresolved relational pain, you have work to do.

  3. If you have followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process but the person is not repentant, the Bible indicates you are to treat this person with a level of distance and even distrust. Ultimately, they are not submitted to the same God. This person is either a fool or is living in outright sin. Either way, this is not the kind of person you want intimately influencing your life. Importantly, it is not your job to save this “tax collector.” Consider also that this person has once enjoyed being a part of the body of Christ. They probably know the path back to the fold. In this sense, they may not be a lost sheep; they may be a rebellious sheep, and you reconciling into relational intimacy with an unrepentant sinner might constitute your own rebellion and bring also its own dire consequences.

  4. As my last post suggested, I don't believe that is automatically the end of the story. Just as Jesus pursued the lost sheep (and the tax collectors), I believe we are called to a gentle pursuit of others, beckoning them into a life of holiness. As you align your heart more with God's and explore how he might be calling you to pursue this person, sometimes he will give you another invitation that goes beyond the "treat them like a tax collector" instructions.

  5. Have you forgiven this person? If not, you have work to do. Here’s a fun little biblical Easter egg: there is great significance in the numbers in the Bible. The number 7 symbolizes perfect completion. When Jesus says we are to forgive seventy-seven times, it foreshadows the parable to come. Seventy (big number of perfect completion) symbolizes the perfect, complete work Jesus accomplished on the cross, forgiving all of our sins. Seven shows our part, our work to play out the gospel and extend a fraction of the grace we have been shown by completely forgiving others. We do not have a choice about forgiveness. Refusal to forgive shows that we have not grasped the immensity of what we have been forgiven. It shows we are not following God, and likely we have not embraced his forgiveness for us; instead we may still be living in the poverty of believing we still owe a debt we can never pay, and so we scrape every miserly bit we can from the other urchins as our heavenly father grieves our rebellion, urging us to repent, claim our crowns, and sit at the table of the feast he has prepared for us.



Here are a few other scriptures and thoughts that may up the ante and clarify things even more:

  • 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24).

    • Consider what God is saying here. Rather than worshiping him and/or atoning for your sins at the altar, God wants you to urgently be reconciled.

    • The person in the passage isn’t the one with the grievance. If your brother or sister has something against you, you still have a biblical responsibility to take action to resolve it.

  • “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18).

    • The obvious implication here is that it’s not always possible. But when it is, we are called to do whatever we can.

    • Notably, this verse is specifically talking about those outside the church. In other words, when it says everyone, it actually means everyone.

    • It is also important to recognize that living at peace is not the same thing as living in a close relationship. The church in Acts shared “everything in common.” They were living like a family. But the way we interact with the world at large is different. It’s living at peace, but it’s not as intimate. We invite others to join the family of God, yet until they are adopted in, we interact a bit differently, largely because the world does not follow Jesus; our faith, if it is real, dictates the direction of everything else in our lives. How could we have any enduring intimacy with people who are headed in an opposite direction and who have totally different values from ours? Some of you reading this may think, for example, “What about a value of kindness?” When we get practical, it breaks down. For example, a nonbeliever would probably say it’s kind to respect everyone’s beliefs and to honor all faiths. But a believer knows that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. They know the unbeliever’s “kindness” leads to Hell. This is not to say we cannot agree with nonbelievers on superficial things, but on eternal matters, we are oil and water, which can be at peace but will be inherently separate.

  • John 17:23 communicates the stakes, according to Jesus. Just before Jesus was crucified (these are his deathbed words, so to speak), Jesus is praying that his church would be in unity, and when they are, “Then the world will know that [God] sent [Jesus].” This is the measure Jesus provided, the piece of proof that will win hearts to his kingdom. “By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).


How can we do this? Part of the secret is found in this truth: our suffering is not the point, it is merely a means to an end. Salvation is the point. As followers of Jesus, we know we will have suffering in this life, and it’s worth it. To be a soldier for Jesus means we will face hardship as we fight to win people’s souls (2 Timothy 2:3). We also know that in suffering, God is sovereign and loving. In this crucible will he refine, discipline, purify — producing perseverance, character, holiness. Thank God there is great purpose in our pain.


So I ask you, soldier: what is God leading you to do?


Do not waste this moment of conviction. Do not set it on a shelf. Set your obedience in motion. Send the text, make the call, schedule the coffee. 


May the Lord guide you and equip you as you walk in obedience to him. May he work wonders in your situation, bringing untold blessing and healing. May his kingdom expand through your mighty soldiering, and may hearts be the prize.

Updated: Nov 2, 2024

I find Romans 12:18 to be one of the most challenging passages in Scripture: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."


It's an incredibly high standard in difficult situations, and it can be very challenging to balance God's clear values for unity, peace, and love with His equally clear value for truth, as well as other guidance in the Bible to admonish other believers and sharpen one another. Navigating that tension can be so difficult; rather than a blog post providing a roadmap, it is probably best left to the domain of seeking wise counsel and walking together with mature brothers and sisters in Christ who can speak into your life, encouraging you toward Jesus as you traverse this rocky terrain.


However, God has recently been leading me into a new season of growth in a related area: what does it mean to live at peace over time? When and how am I invited to reexamine places of disunity from my past?


An hourglass sitting in the sand

Our culture too often looks at relationships as disposable. In the secular world, when a relationship goes sideways, people often bury it six feet underground. Too often, believers do the same.


But we Christians believe in resurrection. Biblically, I think it's clear that relationships are the point, the very reason we were created. We are designed primarily for the purpose of loving God and loving others. Therefore, when our relationships are fractured, there is little that should grieve us more. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to heal our relationships. But sometimes there is. And maybe more than I care to admit, sometimes there wasn't anything I could do before, but there is now. People change and grow, and situations shift.


God has been convicting me lately that just because I did everything possible to live at peace with everyone up until the point of fracture does not necessarily mean the story is over. Sometimes God will stir our spirits to reach out again, even years later, so he can provide healing. That may translate into reconciliation and restoration, or it may bring about greater closure. Much of the outcome is in God's hands, but obedience is in ours.


Sometimes in this discussion, people point to Matthew 18, referring to a biblical process of handling conflict that ends with "treat them like a tax collector" if the person remains unrepentant. Those of us well-versed (forgive the pun) in the Jewish cultural context know that Jews hated tax collectors, regarding them as traitors and sell-outs, despicable people not to be trusted. We can use this as justification to write them off and cut them out.


But "treat them like a tax collector" was written by a former tax collector. The human author of that passage had his life utterly transformed, partly by a contrast of expectation and reality: the distance between how he expected to be rejected as a tax collector and then how Jesus actually pursued him as a beloved child of God — kindness led Matthew to repentance. Then Matthew's heart was healed and his thinking shaped by walking with and watching Jesus love tax collectors and sinners for years. Jesus redefined how tax collectors should be treated.


Here's a critical distinction, though: Jesus was at peace with tax collectors, yet they did not comprise his inner circle. What about Matthew, you ask? Matthew was no longer defined as a tax collector; he had repented. He was defined as a disciple. The men who still identified as tax collectors were less intimate but still loved, living in the in-between of invitation and curiosity without acceptance and repentance.


Here’s another important distinction: Matthew 18 is about sin against you. It does not apply to all sin in general. Rather, the Matthew 18 process is designed so that we may have reconciliation with those who have sinned against us by addressing that wound directly and honestly, with truth and grace, in a way where kindness hopefully leads to repentance (repentance is “turning from the sin”).


In the case of a biblical process of conflict resolution, in situations where the steps have all been followed and the other party remains unrepentant, though, the person who is treated “like a tax collector” mustn’t be in your inner circle. Just as unrepentant sin in our own lives creates a barrier in our relationship with God, so it does between believers. Failing to acknowledge this by continuing to subject ourselves as victims of ongoing, unrepentant sin can perpetuate abuse and cause a desensitization toward sin, a pathological refusal to call it what it is because doing so would biblically require us to take certain actions. Or it can cause a dysfunctional callousing of our own hurt, a tendency to pretend we are okay when we are not. This is a sort of emotional self-harm, a devaluing of ourselves as Image-bearing co-heirs with Christ.


One final distinction: when God invites us to turn from sin, he does not do so from a place of hurt. Rather, he does it from a place of love and tenderness. He does so from a deep desire to be close to us, and I believe this posture maximizes the chances of repentance and healing. There is evil in the world, and there are times when others intentionally and maliciously hurt us. But most times, people hurt others because of their immaturity or the blindness caused by their own wounds. And as God works in their hearts, they can change. In such cases, sometimes it is helpful for me to meditate on Jesus's prayer on the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” It also helps me to remember we have been forgiven so much more than the forgiveness we are called to offer in this specific situation, and we are instructed to forgive again and again and again.


I invite you to consider this: are you living at peace with everyone in your life, as far as it depends on you? God wants you to enjoy the freedom and integrity of doing so. He may be calling you to reexamine an old situation, to make an apology or to follow up or to confront someone who has sinned against you. Sometimes the Bible makes it clear how we should do this, but often, we benefit from pursuing wise counsel, journeying with others who have gone before us or who are especially gifted and/or skilled in such areas. Asking advice from fools is worse than not asking at all, but walking with the wise will make you wise, bringing with it many other blessings.


May we be at peace with everyone, even the tax collectors in our lives — those reformed and those in process. May we see them the way God sees them. May we love them, even when we are not able to have the intimacy our hearts desire. May God continue to bring healing to our fractured relationships through his goodness and our obedience.

Writer's picture: Lee FreemanLee Freeman

I took a Crisis Counseling course in graduate school, and one of the most interesting things I learned was that people in crisis require a more directive approach, meaning when we are in survival mode, we need to be told what to do; our “survival brain” is not as capable of critical or creative thinking, so we rely on others’ ability to do this in dire circumstances. In such times, we are looking for someone to listen to. We have disaster ears, straining for something to grasp onto in our time of crisis.



When we are shaken to the core, when we face the important intersections of our lives, how we respond in large part determines our path for the future, and the ramifications of our choices can ripple into eternity. In such times, there is great opportunity for good (Romans 5:3-4). The concern is that when the ground beneath us quakes, we can have a problematic tendency to avoid further discomfort and to seek the nearest counterfeit refuge, even if its foundation is built on sand.


But let me be clear: God is our refuge.


Here is the most important wisdom I can offer on this topic: when you are reeling, you must choose who you listen to. Choose to listen to God, and choose to listen to those who listen to God.


How do you listen to God? Volumes have been written on this topic, but essentially it comes down to three things: 1) Read the Bible, 2) Pray, and 3) Be influenced by other followers of Jesus: 


The Holy Bible
  1. While the Bible provides leeway in many areas, it also provides clarity in many. It is not, as so many misconceive, an ambiguous mess allowing the reader to walk away believing whatever they want. Such a reader has seen the words but has not understood. At the risk of stating the obvious, the Bible is the Word of God. Want to know God’s direction for your life? Study carefully and seek to understand what he has already said about it.

  2. When uncertainty remains, we have prayer. Hearing God’s response to our pleas for direction sounds altogether different from hearing the voice of our flesh. It is completely loving but uncompromisingly true. Sometimes, it can call us into all manner of holy difficulty: to forgive, to hope, to love, to endure, to trust in the Lord, to lean not on our own understanding or the foolish advice of the world. As we listen and seek, learning what the Lord’s voice sounds like, we often find clarity about the particulars of our situation. One important note here: if in your prayers you hear an answer that conflicts with the Bible’s clear direction, what you heard was not God’s voice.

  3. Finally, we are also instructed to surround ourselves with other followers of Jesus. God’s design is for us to exist in a faith community and to build one another up in the faith, growing together and pointing one another back to Truth. One of the great perversions of our age is the myth that a believer can follow God but opt out of Christian community. There’s an important caveat here as well: just because someone professes faith does not mean they are wise. You must be discerning. Consider the fruit of this person’s life to determine whether they should have a leadership influence in your life (Matthew 7:15-20, Galatians 5:23-23, 1 Timothy 3:1-13). Consider the source of their “wisdom.” As the Bible says in Proverbs 13:20, those who walk “with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Walk with and be influenced by wise fellow believers, but remember also there are plenty of fools in the church.


    We must remember too that there are times that even men of conviction lose faith. Consider Peter’s denial of Jesus after years of witnessing his miracles. This can happen when well-meaning believers are blinded by their own crises or when they share in your suffering to such an extent that they lose objectivity. Such examples are not necessarily an indictment of character (Peter was soon redeemed from this blunder and then led a life of unshakable faith and stalwart leadership until his death), but they do inspire caution for one who would seek advice from a pre-crucifixion Peter.


This three-pronged approach to discerning truth and direction for your life is a holy, comprehensive solution. As we employ these, we do so with reliance on the Holy Spirit — our advocate and guide — and we do so with patient perseverance. I contend that if you have exhausted these options and still don’t feel a sense of clarity, it is only a matter of time, and God is likely gifting you with a difficult but worthwhile blessing in the waiting.


How do we know when we are listening to the wrong people?


Consider these two examples the Bible provides:

  1. In Job 2:9-10, Job’s wife tells her suffering husband to sacrifice his integrity by cursing God and dying. Job replies by calling her foolish and poignantly responds, “Are we to accept what is good from God but not tragedy?” The author then adds to emphasize who is right in this conversation, “Job did not sin by what he said.”

  2. As Jesus’s disciples finally come to understand and admit beyond any doubt that he is the Messiah, Jesus begins to prepare them for his crucifixion (Matthew 16:15-27). Overflowing with general passion and specific love for Jesus — in addition to a well-intended desire to protect his Lord — Peter protests: “This shall never happen to you!” For me, Jesus’s response is the most unexpectedly harsh example I see in scripture, which I think emphasizes the importance of the issue: “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”


In both examples, we see people very close to the person suffering who would offer counterfeit refuge by pursuing comfort rather than listening to God’s voice. Both examples include a harsh but holy response. I think this harshness is not necessarily because we are meant to respond harshly; I think it is written this way at least partly so we readers understand the importance of the issue and don’t miss the lesson we are meant to receive. It also underscores the fact that harsh situations can produce growth and sanctification.


When you face crisis, you will receive conflicting messages about how to respond. Your disaster ears will be particularly susceptible to these messages as you are suffering. Some well-intended loved ones will attempt to offer seductive comfort that is opposed to God’s will for your life, and this paves the way to catastrophe. Instead, it is imperative you listen to God’s voice and to those who follow his truth as their ultimate source.


Consider, for example, a marriage in crisis. Or a child struggling with their sexuality. Or a conflict destroying a family. In all of these, the world provides a counterfeit refuge, prescribing comfort in the form of selfishness, embracing of sin, division, or other things God hates. All of these counterfeits have a loving veneer, but what seemed to be love soon peels off, exposing rot that can cause the entire structure to fail.


Our lives must be built upon the rock (Matthew 7:24-27). Keep in mind the things of God, and listen to others who do. When you face the crossroads of comfort versus conviction, choose Truth. Through the power of God within you, you can weather the storm. God is sufficient to comfort, protect, and provide for those who are faithful to him and his Word. But when we choose the seductive, unholy path, God loves us enough to let us experience the painful consequences of this sin in hopes we prodigals will eventually come to our senses and return home. Ironically, a fear of discomfort or a feeling of entitlement in the short-term can lead us down a far more painful path in the long-term. And sometimes, God allows us to experience the storm so we learn we have nothing to fear; in such cases, running from it robs us of this gift.


The Bible reminds us about the battle we face in this life. We are not called to comfort. This broken world is marked by suffering. We can fear it, live in denial, or embrace self-indulgence, and if we do, we fall as casualties on the battlefield. Or we can be warriors, empowered by the Holy Spirit, equipped with the armor of God, peacefully enjoying God’s feast in a dark valley while surrounded by enemies (Psalm 23). We can relish God’s power and the strength he has given us to persevere and to triumph in the face of great adversity.


The Bible is clear who wins in the end. Choose to be on the winning side. Listen to God. Him whose voice can quiet the storm can also be trusted to see you through it (Mark 4:36-40).

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