Can I Be Friends With Unbelievers?

Show me your five closest relationships and I will show you your future.

The question of whether a person can be friends with unbelievers has come up surprisingly often in my office, a surprising truth that has prompted me to consider why. I believe it represents a key point in the progression of surrender: a process by which the mature Christian submits his whole life to Christ, receiving in exchange the pleasure of God and more of the abundant life God promises. For the highly relational person, though, distancing oneself from “my old friends” and growing close to a group of fellow Christ followers might be more challenging than any other shift in the Christian life.

But should you even do it? Let’s first consider what the Bible says. “Those who walk with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “The Lord is the source of wisdom” (Proverbs 2:6). Therefore, wise people follow the Lord. And fools do not know him. If we want to be wise, we must “walk with” those who follow the Lord. 

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God—I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34). This passage highlights an important concept in the discussion: it’s not as simple as people who claim to be Christians and those who don’t. The distinction is people who know and follow God and those who do not. And there are plenty of people ignorant of God in the church. The Bible gives us a clear measuring system to tell the difference: “Fruit” (Matthew 7:15-23 and Galatians 5:22-23). An even simpler way to tell the difference is those who do the will of God. Many times in the New Testament, Paul cautions the churches to “have nothing to do with” people in the church who are not obedient to God. Those who are idle, those who are gossips, the sexually immoral, those who pervert the Gospel, etc. — these people exist in the church and present a very real danger. Because our hearts are made to love, as we draw near to such people, the Enemy will use our affection for them to whisper lies and to justify sin as a response to the tension we feel within ourselves.

Furthermore, 2 Corinthians 6:14 cautions believers against being “unequally yoked.” While this passage is often cited in reference to romantic relationships, the context of the passage actually has nothing to do with that (although I think it still applies to romance). A yoke is an instrument by which two working animals share labor; ideally, they are of similar strength, because that is how the most work gets done. It’s also how both animals grow in their strength and fulfill their God-given design. Imagine how deformed or even injured both animals become if they are unequally yoked, always pulled to one side rather than pushing ahead. Contextually, Paul is writing about ministry here, about how dedicated followers of Christ should live. Therefore, it is fair to conclude that the concept of being “equally yoked” is best applied to those you surround yourself with on a day-to-day basis. From the examples of the early church, it is clear that those closest to them were their co-laborers with Christ (1 Corinthians 3:9).

These two working animals share a yoke

Now let’s consider some biblical counterarguments, then we’ll try to make sense of it all. Daniel was clearly close with King Nebuchadnezzar, and Joseph was also close with Pharaoh. In both cases, these men of God have more than just professional trust with the most powerful ruler in the land. They have favor, and they seem to be appreciated for their wisdom and character. I wonder if both Pharaoh and King Nebuchadnezzar would consider these men to be their closest friends. Yet in both cases, Daniel and Joseph have a greater loyalty to God.

Joseph is a particularly interesting example because the Bible does not really address Joseph’s friends one way or the other. However, his loyalty to God throughout his life is clear. In Daniel’s case, though, he had a core group of friends that was also loyal to the true God, and it seems Daniel was closer with them than he was to King Nebuchadnezzar.

However, the clearest answers to this question might be found in the life of Jesus himself. It is clear that Jesus regularly ate and gathered with “tax collectors and sinners,” which in that culture was indicative of relational closeness. It is also clear that Jesus’s most intimate earthly relationships were with Peter, James, and John, then the rest of the twelve. So in Jesus’s life, the answer is yes, to a point.

So to recap, here’s what the Bible tells us: in the cases of Daniel, Joseph, and Jesus, close relationships with nonbelievers were good and purposeful to accomplish God’s work. Paul makes this idea even clearer: “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings” (1 Corinthians 9:22-23). In this sense, the primary goal of friendships with unbelievers might be understood to be outreach in hopes they would encounter the love of Jesus. After all, how could we claim to love them if we are comfortable with their eternal destination in Hell? I would encourage you that a litmus test for you in evaluating such relationships might be this: am I justifying this relationship because I want it, or am I allowing God to work through me in this relationship? Here’s another way to ask it: is this relationship submitted to God?

The Bible is clear that our closest relationship and greatest loyalty must be to God (Matthew 22:36-38). The Bible also makes it clear that God’s design for our greatest flourishing is for our closest earthly friendships to be with fellow Christians, true believers who are submitted to and growing in Christ with us. This is the Body of Christ (the Church) at work, and as we live in relationship with fellow believers, we sharpen one another (Proverbs 27:17), spurring one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). The primary goal of friendships with fellow believers, then, is similarly focused on God’s mission, but it also includes mutual encouragement, strengthening, and formation.

In conclusion, I want to empathically encourage you that submitting your friendships to Christ might seem incredibly difficult. However, it might not be as hard as you think. This call might be accomplished by drawing closer to brothers and sisters in Christ, rather than by pulling away from other relationships. Furthermore, asking God what he would like to do in your friendships with unbelievers might involve blessing them in ways you couldn’t have previously imagined, and it could help you reach them with the gospel. Ultimately, though, if submitting your friendships to God does involve a painful distancing from some relationships you have held dear, I encourage you that God would not ask you to do something like this if it were not ultimately for your growth and for your good.

Finally, I want to leave you with this admonishment: faith is not something to be lived just at church or at work; it is meant to permeate every aspect of our lives. And biblically speaking, we cannot follow Jesus in isolation. It is literally against His design.

If you are not sure how to work through your friendships and submit them to God, I encourage you to seek the counsel of a wise Christian who seems to be navigating this tension well, someone who has a fruitful life and can help you grow in this area. 

May God grow your capacity to love others in his name, and may you find evermore freedom, peace, joy, and flourishing in the surrendered life.

"It's Not for Me" and Other Myths About Counseling

Before becoming a counselor, I was an English teacher for a decade. In that role, I heard the same objection time and time again from dozens of students: "I don't like reading."

Here's the thing, though: it's not true. That's like saying you don't like food or music or beauty. What these students were actually saying is they haven't liked what they were forced to read or they haven't liked their other English teachers or they haven't liked the negativity surrounding reading.

This picture only loosely connects to what I'm talking about, but I thought it was funny.

Counseling is the same way. Sadly, many people say, "I don't need counseling" or "Counseling is not for me." But that typically represents a misunderstanding of what counseling is and/or reflects poor counseling experiences. Here are some other common myths people believe about counseling, followed by the truths about these things:

• Myth: "Counseling is for really messed up people."

  Truth: Counseling is for humble people. Anyone who wants to grow can benefit from counseling, especially if they feel stuck in an area where they can tell God is calling them to more.

• Myth: "Counseling is not for men."

  Truth: Men with fragile masculinity rarely darken the door of a counseling office, but secure men know it does not threaten their masculinity — rather, counseling can strenghten it.

• Myth: "Counseling is just for young people" or "I'm too old to change."

  Truth: Some of the most dramatic life change and growth I have seen is from older clients. It is true that neuroplasticity declines as we age, so it does get harder to change our minds. But the maturity, wisdom, and experience of older clients can also make things go faster. It is also true that older generations tend to have more of a bias against counseling. Some people who say "I'm too old to change" really mean, "I don't really want to do the work." If that's you, I challenge you to love yourself enough to be honest. The myth is really just a weak excuse that puts yourself down.

• Myth: "Counseling is too touchy-feely" or "Counseling is just talking about feelings."

  Truth: This objection can reveal a pathological discomfort with or avoidance of emotions. There are a number of reasons why this can happen, but counseling can help a person grow out of their animotophobia (the fear of one's own emotions) so they have greater freedom, confidence, maturity, and love. That being said, some counselors do have a more emotional style that feels cheesy to some clients. Such clients may benefit from a different counselor with a more straightforward style and/or cognitive or biblical emphasis rather than emotional.

• Myth: "Counseling is too expensive."

  Truth: Counseling is an investment that can have an incredible return. Couples counseling is way more affordable than divorce. Reducing anxiety and depression reduces physical symptoms and extends life expectancy. Mental/emotional/spiritual flourishing improves relationships and work performance. And what is your peace worth after all? When you really think about it, counseling might be one of the best investments you ever make. Another key truth with this one, though: the more committed you are, the more seriously you take your part, the more effort you put in — the faster you graduate counseling and the better financial value you get. Too many clients make the mistake of expecting the counselor to "fix them," and this can result in a slow, passive approach.

• Myth: "Real Christians don't go to counseling," "Counselors can't be trusted," or "Christians tempted to go to counseling actually have a lack of faith, immaturity, weak prayer life, etc."

  Truth: You should be discerning about the counselor you go to. The Bible gives us criteria to look for. See the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 and the qualifications for elders, deacons, and overseers in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1. In seeking a counselor, you are asking someone to speak into some of the most intimate parts of your life; you are seeking wisdom. Is this not sheparding in the truest sense? Does not wisdom come from the Lord? In this way, finding a strong Christian counselor might actually be the deepest way to experience accountability from another believer and to deepen your faith.

• Myth: "Counseling is a last resort."People rarely speak this one out loud, but it is often believed.

• Truth: Counseling can be a good last resort, but earlier is often better. Any couples counselor can tell you about couples who have suffered for far too long and then only sought counseling to "check the box" before divorce. How heartbreaking! And how different it feels when a couple seeks counseling before marriage or early on. How this can bless them and their families for the rest of their lives! Of course, this is all true for individuals as well.

Lord, in all things, give me your eyes and your heart. I know you call me to freedom, joy, peace, and love; I pray you would show me how to grow in these things. Search my heart, and reveal to me what you would like to address. Show me if counseling is a tool you would like to use to bring me closer to you. Either way, make your will be done in my life and make me more like you. Amen.

A Recipe for Personal Growth

As you prepare to make this recipe, make sure you really want it. Some of the ingredients are costly and rare. Making this recipe requires significant investment. It takes time, practice, and careful attention.

Heads up: it has a kick! You may also shed tears while chopping. This is normal, and it will be worth it. Despite the challenges intrinsic to this dish, anyone can make it with the right mindset!

Recipe for Personal Growth

INGREDIENTS

2 cups organic reality*

*You can get this from a lot of places, but quality varies significantly. When in doubt, check the Bible first to see if it has the kind you need! Stick to trusted sources! There

are several types that can work: biblical, historical, and evidence-based. A blend can be

delicious! Different occasions can also call for different types, so be thoughtful and

have fun experimenting!

1 cup Christlike™ (be sure you get the right brand!) self-care

1 cup authentic humility

1 cup perseverance

1 tablespoon feedback (farm-raised or wild-caught, or try a combo!)

A dash of salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Chop the humility into bite-sized pieces

2. In a large, desire-shaped bowl (obligation-shaped will not work), gently fold together all ingredients. Do not overmix. You should still be able to distinguish each one. 

3. Add more of any ingredient as needed to taste. This is not about perfection; enjoy the journey! 

4. Grab your rolling pin and roll the mixture out thinly. Remove any ingredients that are not supposed to be there. Don’t be alarmed; it is normal to find some. Organic reality often contains chunks of artificial reality that have been mixed in during childhood, from trauma, etc. Also try to remove any shame, unforgiveness, and anger. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t get every last bit; just try to get the main chunks and the rest tends to work itself out.

5. Once you have achieved a good mix, cover it and let it sit. As it does, the flavors will intermingle and mature. Enjoy your rest during this step!

6. Bake as long as needed:

Fan/convection (therapy) – 325°  Typically faster, lower temperature

OR

No fan/regular (community) – 350°  Typically slower, higher temperature. Watch 

out for hot or cold spots in the oven!

Feel free to experiment with both cooking methods! Especially as you get to know

yourself, your ingredients, and your oven, both methods can be delightful!

8. Alternate between baking, resting, and refining your mix, adding ingredients as needed to further develop your flavors. Continue until growth has stabilized and ingredients have fully incorporated.

9. While plating, use apology and/or amends as an optional garnish depending on the situation. While apology can be used as an appetizer or enjoyed throughout the process, many people prefer it served with growth.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

If you find your dish is not working, it’s not because you can’t grow. There can be many reasons the dish isn’t turning out, but here are some of the most common:

• Did you leave out an ingredient? We’ve all been there! Or used a teaspoon instead of a cup? Been there too! Be sure you haven’t left anything out and that you have enough of each!

• Are you using counterfeit ingredients? Consider your source; not everything marked “reality” is authentic! The other ingredient most likely to be counterfeit is humility; be sure it is not actually shame or self-deprecation. Shame and self-deprecation will prevent rising and will spoil the whole recipe.

• Check the color of your reality. A complete, balanced reality will include positive and negative truths. The combination of black and white should result in a nice gray color. If your reality is too skewed to one extreme or the other, your dish will not turn out. When people end up with an unbalanced reality, it's usually too black; they've only selected the negative truths. But occassionally people only grab the white kind. The white kind will have a sweet taste by itself but will often ruin the dish unless it is balanced. Even though it includes some beauty and some beast, the gray stuff is delicious!

• Spoiled feedback is also sometimes a problem. Check to ensure the motive is good. Fresh feedback has a healthy green appearance; you can see that it grew on the Vine. Spoiled feedback is crusty and black. You can tell from its withered tone that it has turned bitter and the feedback grew while disconnected from the Vine.

• Did you forget to bake it? While there can be some benefits to enjoying this dish raw, there are some flavors that can only be developed with heat, and that means other people. Trying to grow in isolation limits your growth.

• When in doubt, try adding in positivity, playfulness, creativity, hope, and/or gratitude! It’s hard to overdo it with any of these. You might find these flavors develop naturally as you work on your mix, but you can always put in extra at any point!

Once you finish making this dish, you’ve only just begun! Next time try it with chocolate chips, or coconut flakes, or pesto and sundried tomato — the possibilities are limitless! You now know the process of personal growth, which means you can make it your own and apply it to all sorts of contexts! To become an expert, practice remembering what you learned, and practice making this dish often! If you really want to make it your own, try journaling about your experiments, noting what works best and how you might elevate further! If there is a specific version of personal growth you’re struggling to achieve, you have two great options: 1) Someone familiar with that specific recipe, and 2) A professional chef/therapist. For especially tricky versions, it usually helps to find one that specializes in the version you’re after! Bon appetit!