In the last several years, my wife and I have been gaining more and more appreciation for antiques. In an increasingly disposable world, we have come to recognize and admire the quality and care put into things meant to last generations. I also recently finished The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, a convicting book that corroborates the simple, methodical approach that is pro-hand-carved and anti-flat-pack. All this to say, in my personal life and my counseling practice, I am growing to understand that the way of Jesus is simple and deep and slow and quiet.
It was in this spirit that my wife and I recently visited the flea market with a friend. If you haven’t been to a flea market, I advise caution: it is a sprawling cacophony of a few diamonds surrounded by a lot of rough. It’s kind of like a hundred garage sales shoved into a building big enough to fit seventy-five garage sales. But for those willing to patiently brave the chaos, there are sometimes delightful rewards.
On this particular visit, I had an inexplicable feeling as I walked in that I was going to find an original painting, which was a feeling I have never had before. Sure enough, as I scanned the wares, I found it about a third of the way through my journey. I saw it from far off: an original oil painting in a custom fine art frame. You see, my father is an artist, and my time with him trained me to instantly recognize a valuable work of art, even when hundreds if not thousands of people had missed it before me.
"Mr. Popular" - Anita Mosher Solich
The painter’s skill was evident: a masterful, courageous use of color; rich oils generously applied, the dimension of form beckoning from the canvas; a timeless, pastoral scene inviting the viewer to sample and emulate its merits. As I drank it in, my heart leapt. It seemed too good to be true. I researched the artist and learned she was a renowned local painter. The price for this painting was impossibly low, so I decided to purchase it and figure out what to do with it later.
In the days that followed, I reached out to the artist, who recognized her work and confirmed its authenticity. Interestingly, she mentioned that many people have reached out to her claiming to be in possession of her work, yet most of those turned out not to be hers. But mine was. She kindly issued me a certificate of authenticity and a dollar value for insurance purposes. The true value of the painting was over fifty times what I had paid for it.
The more my wife and I looked at this painting throughout those days, the more we fell in love with it. We decided to hang it in my office, where it will stay for the foreseeable future to be appreciated by many and to offer this parable:
This painting is like many of my clients. You are masterfully created, imbued with immense value. This world is the flea market. It places a price on you — one far below your real worth. As a therapist, I am me in this story. I have been trained by my Father to see your true nature and to help accomplish that work of redemption. For you have been purchased at a price. God himself recognizes his workmanship, the immeasurable worth he placed within you. He calls you to reject that flea market price tag and to accept your actual value, functioning as he has designed you: to display his glory, to bless and encourage others. And it is precisely by accepting that appraisal that the function is best fulfilled.
I pray you may you see the Artist's masterful strokes within yourself, for each part has been designed, crafted with care and intention. May you obediently and humbly agree with his appraisal, and may you submit yourself to display the riches of his glory, his goodness, and his love as he wills. May you boast in him, not hiding yourself under a basket but accepting your God-given radiance so you may shine before men and proclaim Christ.
* I should mention that my mother is also a highly skilled artist, and I learned just as much from her! For purposes of the parable, though, I wrote specifically about my father in this post. Love you, Mom and Dad!
Imagine two men, Jeff and Dave, both living in a faraway land called Erath. Jeff is a citizen of Erath, but Dave is only a visitor. In fact, Dave is there on a work assignment; he is an ambassador for his country, Vehean. His task is to increase goodwill, promote tourism to his home country, and ultimately facilitate immigration. One would expect there to be many differences in how these men lead their lives in Erath.
Citizens and Ambassadors
So it is with us. The citizens of this world teach that in conflict, it is our job to protect ourselves, achieve justice, and do what is right for us. For these people, they are already home. They are their own kings.
But we are citizens and ambassadors of Heaven. We have a job to do, and this calls for a more winsome approach. Our King has instructed us very clearly on how we are to act:
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who – being in very nature God – did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing…he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death. Even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:3-8).
Unpacking the Message
Let’s unpack this a bit. Firstly, Paul addresses what we should do with our sense of entitlement in conflict. Before Jesus took on flesh, humanity had been embroiled in an epic conflict with God that had lasted millennia. Although he is God himself, and has every reason to leverage his due, Jesus set it aside. Doing so was exactly what was required to resolve the conflict. Sometimes it’s less about what is “right” and more about what is effective. Was it “right” for Jesus to die on our behalf? Absolutely not. But was it the most effective way to reconcile us to himself? Absolutely.
Paul instructs believers to take on this same Christlike posture. There are three reasons for this:
That’s what is effective.
He is our king; we take our orders from him and follow his example.
Our goal is bigger than resolving this immediate conflict. We have a job to do.
The next verse continues with “therefore,” a verbal signal that what follows is the logical extension of what came before:
“Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is the Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:9-11).
The Cosmic Connection
It’s easy to miss the connection Paul is making here. When Jesus humbled himself to resolve our conflict, it enacted a cosmic “therefore.” Paul is drawing a parallel between our response to conflict and Jesus’s. When we forgive others their trespasses, when we humble ourselves to reconcile with others, it catalyzes the same cosmic promise. Our humility in conflict can actually cause more knees to bow and more tongues to confess that Jesus is Lord.
To truly “look to the interests of others” means to consider their greatest good — that is — Heaven. Speaking in eternal terms, is there anything more important than them being reconciled to God? Jesus models this in an incredibly powerful way. Consider his response to those attacking and betraying him leading up to the crucifixion:
The first word he utters to Judas after the betrayal kiss is “friend.”
He tells Peter to put away his sword and heals the man whose ear was cut off.
He goes willingly with the mob.
He remains silent in the face of mocking and torture.
Ultimately, he expresses his forgiveness toward everyone who was cruel to him, even as he was saving them: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
Our Role as Ambassadors
This is our job. We are Christ’s ambassadors. We’ve been tasked with promoting goodwill, increasing tourism, and facilitating immigration from Earth to Heaven.
Our ability to reconcile with others and love them when they least deserve it is one of the most powerful witnesses we have (John 17:21). This is perhaps because the expected, earthly approach is so self-focused. There’s a natural tendency to withdraw and protect ourselves. It’s shocking when we do something different. People notice. When we’ve been hurt but we spread our arms wide as our Savior did, even when it sometimes means further injury and humiliation, we echo the gospel.
From a counseling perspective, this is powerful because it shifts our value from being works-based to intrinsic. It says, “I love you because God loves you, even at your worst.” It takes direct aim at the default message encoded in far too many people’s hearts: “I’m only worthy of love if/when _____.” This toxic lie leads to shame and eventually death, but love based on intrinsic value leads to life. It can be absolutely transformative in marriage, with children, with parents, friends, and even strangers.
The Higher Calling
As Jesus said, even tax collectors love those who love them. Even pagans greet their own people. Jesus issues a higher calling:
“Do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles” (Matthew 5:39-48).
Can you imagine actually, literally doing this in real life? It's a nice idea to read about, but I find it to be one of the most practically challenging concepts in scripture.
The Challenge of Humility
This may provoke in you a sense of violation. It goes against what you have learned about standing up for yourself and standing up for what is right. That is exactly the point. It may provoke the same in your assailant, and that may provide an opening for God’s prime objective: reaching the lost.
We are not scared of injury in the same way these earthlings are, for we are eternal beings. When we return home, every tear will be wiped away. There will be no more pain or suffering. We do not balk at shame, for “we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame” (Romans 5:3-5a).
We know that when we humble ourselves to reconcile with others, it is not weakness but God’s strength within us. It takes great obedience to willingly take up your cross and bleed for others. In this endeavor, can you feel the pleasure of your Father, feeling your heart pulse for the same lost souls as His?
Navigating Difficult Situations
Abuse
This topic can be so difficult, partly because it is all too easy to read the above as an argument for staying in abusive situations. However, that is not God’s heart.
God himself models this for us in his relationship with the nation of Israel. He gives chances as hearts move toward him but withdraws as he is betrayed, abused, and neglected. There are centuries of separation and silence before Jesus shows up, changing the parameters of the relationship entirely.
In the New Testament, we learn even more about how to respond to abusive and/or unreceptive situations. As Jesus sends out his disciples, he instructs them to search for “some worthy person.” He says, “If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you.” He also instructs, “If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet” (Matthew 10:11-14).
A few chapters later in Matthew 18, Jesus lays out a process for addressing when we are sinned against by a brother or sister in Christ. It is a tiered response, designed to use the smallest effective intervention and to maximize the likelihood they will repent. But if they don’t, distance and boundaries are prescribed.
The Nature of Self-Sacrifice
You see, self-sacrifice is not a panacea – just as it wasn’t for God. Jesus sacrificed himself, but there are still countless souls who refuse to be in close, healthy relationship with God. As his followers, we sacrifice ourselves for others, and that counterintuitive gesture can soften them, bringing them to a compelling decision point. But they can still choose incorrectly. If they do, we can continue to love them and pray for them. However, especially in situations of abuse, we also shake off the dust from our feet and treat them as tax collectors. We get out of the abuse.
Too often, Christians stop short of these commands to shake off the dust and treat them like tax collectors because it “feels unloving.” But God works through our obedience. Far be it from us to believe we know better how to love those He created. In these cases, withdrawing is the most loving thing we can do. In a very Christlike way, our obedient withdrawal honors their clear request not to be in a healthy, close relationship. Just as Jesus does not force himself on those who have rejected him, we cannot force a healthy relationship with those determined to abuse us.
Understanding Abuse
Do not be confused: abuse is not a dysfunctional attempt at a healthy relationship. Abuse is the attempt to extract something from the other person. It devalues the image of God in the person experiencing the abuse and gives both parties the wrong view of their worth and purpose. It robs both parties of the abundant life we can experience through treating one another as God calls us to. Leaving abusive situations actually gives abusers the best chance to recognize these things and perhaps have a shot one day at a healthy, reciprocal relationship, but staying in the abuse will not make it better. Jesus endured abuse, but he did not stay in it.
Whether abuse or not, our charge is this: offer truth, love, grace, and forgiveness. If these are received, hallelujah! If not, we are unequivocally directed to get out of that situation. Christians often struggle with this because it can feel contrary to the passage above encouraging us to “turn the other cheek” or “go the extra mile.” But we must remember: in each example, it is only one extra thing. It is not letting yourself get beaten to death. It is not indenturing yourself to a life of servitude. It’s one other cheek. One extra mile. It’s about loving someone at their worst in the name of Jesus that they might turn toward him. It is not about staying in abusive situations.
Seeking Help
Navigating abuse can be indescribably difficult — emotionally, spiritually, legally, and logistically. If you think you might be in that situation, I urge you as a brother in Christ to seek help from a believer trained in responding to such cases. It can be so isolating, confusing, and tragic. Many well-meaning Christians will offer platitudes or unwise or even unbiblical advice, trying to love you but sometimes making things worse. Yet there is hope. The God who saves sees you, loves you, and is able to deliver you.
May God continue the work of deliverance in and through our lives. May he accomplish untold wonders as we submit ourselves to his direction. May he grant us wisdom to know when and how to lay down our lives as he did, and when to shake the dust off our feet. May he continue to equip us for the work of ambassadorship, making straight our paths as we seek to be his hands and feet to a world in desperate need of him.
If I Were to Extend the Title of This Post, It Would Be “and Neither Is Your Wife, Your Husband, Your Mom, Your Dad, Your Friend, or That Person on Social Media, but You Already Knew That Last One.”
Understanding the Concept of Goodness
There’s a trend I’ve noticed among some of my favorite men, some of the kindest men in my life. They often say to the other men they love, “You’re a good man.” It’s a nice gesture. However, it’s also heresy.
Wow, that’s an extreme statement! I admit, I’m intentionally using extreme and incendiary language partly to hook you into reading the rest of this post. But it’s also true. This blog post runs the great risk of sounding pedantic or judgmental, missing the hearts of those men I love. I want to be careful here. I admire their motive to encourage others. Furthermore, I believe the men who peddle this phrase have likely seeded more good in other men’s lives than most could ever dream of. They are attempting to speak directly to the shame and unworthiness most men carry throughout life. Their intent matters more than the words. So, I applaud these men for showing the love of Jesus, and I’m also going to humbly suggest a better alternative.
The Problem with Labeling
But first, here’s the problem with telling someone they’re a good person: they’re not. Jesus is very clear about this. In Matthew 19:17, Mark 10:18, and Luke 18:19, Jesus unequivocally states there is only one who is good — God. We approach “good” as a relative term, but Jesus defines it as an absolute, synonymous with “perfect.”
Even as I write this, part of me wants to water down Jesus’s words. Yeah, but maybe we just use the word differently today than back then. I don’t think so. This speaks to a deep theological truth. Since the beginning of time, man has tried to achieve salvation by being better than others when God has always insisted that Heaven can only tolerate perfection.
The Cake Analogy
I once heard this crude but effective analogy: how much poop is okay to be included in your cake? Obviously, 1 ½ cups of poop in your cake is too much, but what about ⅓ cup? Still too much. A teaspoon? Of course not. You’re not eating a cake with a teaspoon of poop in it! And if you are, I encourage you to see a counselor about that.
Apparently I like analogies with cake; this is the second blog post I've written featuring one...
God is the same way about sin. Too often, we excuse the “smaller” amounts of sin in our lives by labeling some people (and ourselves) as “good.” The truth is that we have all fallen short of the glory of God because of our sin (Romans 3:23). This makes us all worthy of death, but we can be made right with God again by accepting Jesus (Romans 6:23). Crucially, it is NOT because of who we are or what we’ve done, so that no one can boast (Ephesians 2:9). Instead, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 1:31).
The Importance of Realism
A common goal in counseling is to have a realistic view of things. We want to be intentional about what we think and how we view important topics in life. If we are not, we face enduring inner tensions at best and delusion at worst. This miscalibration often happens when we define our reality based on how we feel. I feel like a good person. Or what others tell us. People tell me I’m a good person. But first and foremost, we must define reality by what God tells us.
God’s Love and Our Worth
We also must consider that God is love. And not just generally — he specifically loves you. So why would he tell you you’re not a good person? Because it is true, and it is better than the delusion. If God loved you because you were good, it wouldn’t really mean much. “Are not even the [worst people] doing that?” (Matthew 5:46). You would have earned his love, and it would be a conditional kind of love, or at least an untested one. But no, God loved you while you were his enemy (Romans 5:10).
Really consider that for a minute. God’s love for you was not and never has been based on your performance. It is based on your intrinsic value, value that he placed in your being. His desire to be in a relationship with you is not a passing fancy or a mild preference — it is the point of all creation. It’s all one cosmic love story, the grandest of romantic gestures, where God woos your heart despite its imperfections and failings.
True Love and Transformation
This is true love. Our response is to love others because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). When we bring that kind of love to our friendships, our marriages, and ourselves, this is what brings true transformation and healing. It is that earthly delusion that erodes those relationships. When we expect “goodness” from others and ourselves, that counterfeit love is fragile. But when we impersonate Christ in those relationships and look for ways to forgive and love people despite their unsurprising imperfection, there life is found.
A Better Alternative
In conclusion, I would like to propose an alternative. Instead of telling ourselves or others that they are “good people,” let’s get more specific: “I love how you pursue Jesus in your life; you remind me of him.” “The way you play with your kids inspires me.” “The joy and faith you have in the midst of this trying time are incredible.” “I love how you say yes to God’s calling on your life.” “The way you and your wife invest in the health of your marriage is such a beautiful model to me and to our community.”
By the way, this can be a helpful tool in your relationships in general. We sometimes get lazy with our compliments, but specificity is a powerful ally as we endeavor to speak life into one another and into ourselves.
Final Thoughts
Lord, may you remind us to give you all the glory. May we not cheapen the immensity of your love, your grace, and your forgiveness by crediting ourselves or others as “good,” for you alone are good. And may our growing understanding of your love for us bring us greater freedom, peace, and love for ourselves and others so that the world would see Christ in us and come to embrace you.
