When I was a young man, my wife and I were blessed to find a wonderful group of other young adults in our church. We were one another’s primary social community, and it was beautiful. We studied God together, prayed together, ate together, and played together. Then tragedy struck. One of the couples had a miscarriage. Of course I had heard about miscarriages, but I had no idea what to do. I could tell they were hurting, but I didn’t know how I could help. I felt uncomfortable, and I wrongly assumed they would want to deal with it privately. I even maintained this belief after we attended the memorial service they held for their baby. I think I muttered some empty words after the service and gave my friend a hug. And then I never mentioned it again.
Many years later, I went through a heart-rending experience of my own — a life-altering, never-be-the-same kind of pain. I was the emotional equivalent of a burn survivor: permanent scars on my skin, wondering if everyone notices when they see me, always-hurts-when-I-move-certain-ways type of pain. One of the things I learned in that season, thanks to some dear friends who knew better, was what someone in the pit needs.
This blog post is a bit different from all the others I've written. Rather than targeting your own mental health, it is meant to help you help others, to not make the mistakes I made with my friends' miscarriage. I’ve realized in my counseling work that this is one of the greatest mental health gaps in society: we often want to help those who are hurting, but we don’t know what to do. I’ve heard far too many clients feeling crushed under the weight of life and feeling like they are doing it all alone because no one knows how to help. If that's you, I encourage you to share this post with the people close to you. Everyone else, I invite you to join me in seeking growth and Christlikeness in caring for those in pain.
The Bible commands us to “Share one another’s burdens,” but how? Sadly, as the world drifts increasingly toward tribalism and superficial relationships, we are losing the art of caring for one another, and there is precious little training telling us what to do when someone near us is in emotional pain but we can’t remove the source of that heartbreak.
Sometimes you just need to show up when it really counts. Going to pray with a family in the hospital while a loved one is on their deathbed. Visiting the person with the long, lonely surgery recovery. Helping the person from the toxic situation where they have been living. In these times, it’s less about what you say and more about the fact you were there. In the moving, quirky 2007 film Lars and the Real Girl, a small town mobilizes to help a man in emotional crisis. At an especially painful point for him, several older women from town bring casseroles and come to be with him, saying, "That's what people do when tragedy strikes. They come over, and sit."
Other times, deep, healing love is administered over time and through repetition. The day after the greatest heartbreak of my life, my best friend asked me if it would be helpful to go to coffee together and talk about it. I said I think so. That first morning coffee together, we sat in front of the coffee shop at 7am, and I wept for what felt like hours. The second week, I wept a lot less. We have had coffee together most Friday mornings for the past five years. My healing journey took at least a couple years, but most of our coffee conversations even during those two years weren’t about my pain; what mattered was knowing he was there when I did need to talk about it.
This is perhaps the most important way to help someone who is struggling: be there. I’ve had loved ones who offered my heart more healing through a knowing look and a hug than any words they could have said. We need to know we are not alone.
That being said, being present but pretending like nothing is wrong can be even worse than not being there at all. Our silence can send messages like, “We aren’t that close” or “I love you when you have everything all together, but I don’t want to deal with this mess” or “This shouldn’t be that big of a deal.” Those can be devastating.
So I also recommend talking about it. You don’t have to have the perfect words, but there are some principles that can set you up for success. Here’s a short list:
When in doubt, be direct and explicit — not subtle or implied. You won’t save them pain by only hinting at it. Conversely, when you show them you’re willing to discuss it head-on, you communicate the closeness and safety of your relationship. For example, “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I love you and I’m here. I don’t really know what to do, but I’m committed to trying.”
Offer suggestions for how you can care rather than open-ended questions. People in great pain often don’t know what they need or don’t want to ask for it. Instead, offer specific suggestions. After you do, give them time to process the suggestion and formulate a response, which takes longer for someone in an emotionally difficult place than it would for someone who is feeling fine. Here are some examples of suggestions you can offer: “Would you like to talk about it, or would it be better if we didn’t right now?” “Would it be helpful if I took you to a movie to take your mind off of things for a while?” “Can I mow your lawn?” “Can I set up a meal train for you?” Don’t insist on helping your way unless you have that kind of relationship and you know it would be helpful, but do offer specific ways of expressing your love and presence.
When talking about the issue with them, focus on good listening.
Do not try to fix it.
No platitudes: “He’s in a better place,” “At least…,” “God is good,” etc. To a person in deep pain, these come across as minimizing or dismissive, and it can make them feel like God doesn’t care about them.
Reflect and validate what they’re saying: “That sounds so painful,” “You must feel absolutely heartbroken,” “That uncertainty seems terrifying.”
Asking deepening questions can also convey love and care. “When is the next appointment?” “What is weighing most heavily on your heart right now?” “How is (a close loved one like a spouse or child) dealing with this?” Essentially, you are demonstrating care for the things and people they most care about.
Say the true things their hearts most long to hear from you. “I love you.” “I’m here.” “Can I keep checking in on you about this?” “Can I pray with you?”
Two key principles: be there & talk about it
Remember: this is not about doing it perfectly. Your imperfect attempt is so much better than doing nothing. We embark on this compassionate work with compassion, grace, and humility, knowing we have many times let others down, and many have failed us as well. We thank God for maturation, healing, and the incredible privilege it is to love others in His name — to be his hands and feet bringing hope and light to those in desperate need of it.
May His will be done, for He is near to the brokenhearted, and He has purposed that the Body of Christ — that is, the Church — would do this redemptive work in His name, and in so doing, that the world would know that we are Christ’s disciples and would give Him all the glory forevermore. Amen.
Your worst nightmare comes to life. You’ve heard about stories like these, but you never thought it would happen to you. It seemed to come out of nowhere, and now your whole world has turned upside-down. It’s a terrifying feeling.
Grasping in the dark chaos, many people turn to denial, justification, and minimizing. But research shows those with the best outcomes are those who are able to formulate a cohesive narrative of what happened and why. And that is the heart of this post.
We need to understand why, for several reasons. Here are a few:
Perpetrators need to face the weight of what they have done. They need to understand how they got here if they are to have any hope of healing and not finding themselves here again later. We want to tell ourselves it was a one-time, out-of-nowhere thing. But it wasn’t. Unless we resolve the underlying issues.
Those who bear the brunt of someone else’s sin need to see that this was not random. That they can trust again. That it won’t come out of the blue next time, even if they couldn’t have prevented it this first time. The world feels horrifying if anyone could do something like this at any moment. And the media often doesn’t help; we hear story after story of seemingly “good” people who suddenly snapped and did awful things. That’s not real life, though. It’s a punchy headline that sells because fear sells. We need to understand the backstory to know how the boogeyman was made so we know he is not everyman.
Many people see the horrible things that others do and they wonder in the quiet in-between of their souls whether they might be capable of the same. And the truth is, they probably are. But it doesn’t come out of nowhere. We need to understand why it happened so we know we won’t just randomly commit the same atrocities. We also need to understand why so we can see the similarities in our own stories and bring the festering parts into the light so they can be healed. So we aren’t overcome by what we despise.
If you are not ready to hear this, I apologize, and I ask for your grace. But for those who are ready, I offer this sobering reality: there were warning signs. It’s not your fault that you missed them. In fact, there are understandable reasons you missed them, but that doesn’t mean the signs weren’t there. Thank God there were signs. Thank God we can look back to understand what led to this devastation and, Lord-willing, to avoid it next time. What a mercy that is.
If you are standing in the wake, I urge you brothers and sisters, study the signs.
For the perpetrator/betrayer,
Let go of the shame and anger. You will not be able to do any of your work until you stop holding the blinders of anger in the silo of shame. Your work only makes sense in light of the love and forgiveness of Christ. Truly embrace those, and you have hope of a life without what led you here. You must strive to forgive yourself and love yourself and Christ forgave and loved you when didn’t deserve it. To hold onto self-hatred is a grievous pride that precludes healing.
Start with the darkness. Start with the things you kept hidden that fed the growth of this evil. Figure out why you hid those things and what lies the Enemy nurtured to keep those things shrouded.
Look at how you were wounded. Forgive those people, and bring those wounds to Jesus, asking for His healing.
Consider your boundaries. Where have you compromised loving boundaries due to codependence, hedonism, idolatry, or other evils?
Evaluate biblical relationships. Most perpetrators of great evils have superficial relationships, transactional relationships, or live in isolation. The Bible calls us to be in close community with fellow believers to encourage one another and to submit to one another in love.
Repent. Repentance is not apology (although that’s a good idea). It is turning from sin and walking in righteousness. It is not a momentary decision so much as a way of living.
There is so much more I could say here, but let me just reiterate that learning “why” and sharing it with your loved ones and victims is incredibly important, and it is your sole responsibility. However, it is heroic work that cannot be done alone. A Christian counselor can help.
For Those Most Hurt
This part is tricky because the pain can be so overwhelming, so traumatic, that it is not wise to pursue the journey of healing alone. Sometimes it’s not even wise to pursue it without the help of a professional Christian counselor who can help use evidence-based techniques to properly treat your trauma. So if you are right in the thick of it, I would not recommend doing the following work on your own. That being said, here’s what healing typically looks like:
Take inventory of the pain. Healing is rarely possible without doing this. People often live in denial, or they spend their whole lives running away from the agony that is attached to them. For it to be resolved, the pain must be acknowledged. It must be looked in the eye, validated, and treated. This can actually be incredibly empowering. For many people, once they experience the worst pain imaginable, they report that fear played a much smaller role in their lives afterward. In retrospect, many people also report a faithfulness, closeness, and comfort of God that served as an anchor in future hardships. For the most painful seasons, however, we often cannot feel the closeness of God in the moment. It is only as the tragedy wanes that we recognize he was near all along, holding us, protecting us, crafting our convalescence. We can’t get to that point until we stop running from the pain, though.
Forgive. Seeing this word plopped in as the second bullet point may feel insulting, agonizingly oversimplified, but I want to encourage you that the distance between the first and second bullets may be a chasm. There are two other important things to remember about forgiveness: 1) As Christ followers, we are commanded to always forgive, and 2) Because God is love, this commandment must be loving, and indeed it is. Forgiveness primarily benefits the forgiver.
Be wise about trusting this person again. A biblical precondition for trust after sin like this is their repentance. If they have not repented, you should not trust them. Furthermore, repentance is not a moment; it is sustained. Therefore, you should not quickly trust someone who has egregiously violated you. It often takes time to prove repentance is genuine. Finally, you are not commanded to trust this person again; let your holy desire, God’s love, and divine direction be your guide here — not a sense of obligation or guilt.
Use wise boundaries. If you decide to trust again, as you rebuild it and protect it, use wise boundaries. A lack of boundaries is prideful and/or foolish. Carefully considered boundaries can help you recognize the signs if you are again headed to disaster, and they can facilitate further healing and growth, as well as minimizing the likelihood of future destruction.
To The One Who Worries What He Might Become
Be honest. Take a good look at the evidence of your life, both the evidence for and against your great fear. If you need help sorting through this, have a Christian counselor or trusted loved one help.
The Bad. Look at the areas of your life that have you on the road to destruction. These areas must urgently be addressed. The Bible is clear about the call to righteousness and Jesus’s uncompromising stance on sin. Too many so-called Christians and milktoast churches nowadays pervert the gospel to excuse sin in the name of grace — but the real gospel of grace is made powerful because of the seriousness of sin! We are called to be holy, to live in the light, to be free, to walk as co-heirs with Christ, adopted into sonship in the family of God, striving in Kingdom work! Sin has no place in the redeemed, and we are commanded to vigilantly purge it from our lives! This is not just a heart posture, this is a discipline. It’s the difference between deciding you want muscles and going to the gym.
The Good. We must also be realistic about the protective factors, the things that make our stories different from the perpetrators’. We should not be complacent or prideful, because we all have capacity for great evil, but we should not live in fear that we will suddenly tumble off a cliff as we stand in the middle of a field. We are the recipients of great promises, and we have available to us great wisdom. We can be assured that we belong to Christ, and we can pursue his good plans for us which he has prepared in advance for us to do. And as we run toward our true Lord, we also run away from the lord of lies.
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I think if we are honest with ourselves, we can all find times when we have played each of these roles to some extent. The invitation is to have the necessary conversations in the fulness of grace and truth. When we bring a Christlike love to these critical questions, transformation and healing are the result.
No matter where you find yourself in the rubble, I pray you will find out why this happened. And as you ask those excruciating questions, I pray God Almighty will comfort you and give you peace. May he bind up every wound and wash you clean in his great love and mercy. May the “why” you find bring clarity and closure, and may it be eclipsed by the glory of God’s immeasurable grace through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
