Do you ever long for a flourishing relationship with someone but feel like there’s something standing in the way? Ever feel like there’s something making it impossible? As a counselor, I believe there are many factors that can get in the way of the relationships we crave. However, sometimes I find it more helpful to pursue health rather than run from dysfunction. That’s why I look for compassion and curiosity as my clients are discussing their relationships.
Compassion and curiosity are some of the best indicators of mental health, especially in relationships. When I hear a client talking to or about someone else in their life, I am listening for these two things because they tell me something essential about the posture of their heart toward this person, as well as what our most important work might be.
Compassion and curiosity are vital for totally different reasons, but both have biblical roots.
Compassion
As the creator of life, God made us in his own image. The Bible says, “God is love,” (1 John 4:16) so as we display compassion toward others, we most brilliantly reflect his image through our very beings. Of course, Jesus modeled this perfectly, often being moved with compassion toward the weak, the hurting, the disenfranchised, the depressed, the anxious, and those in need. In one of his most profound and revolutionary statements, Jesus even distilled all of the law and prophets into just two commandments: 1) Love God — which Jesus tells us is most important — and 2) love others (Matthew 22:36-40).
Why is loving God most important?
This answer could fill volumes, but I think the most important reason is because God is God. He is everything, the source, the reason, the almighty, eternal one, the only one deserving of glory. Every good thing comes from him. If we love God but don’t love people, we can still spend eternity with him in Heaven. Think about that: eternity. If we only love people but don’t love God, we can do a lot of good during this fleeting, temporary life and then spend eternity in misery apart from God.
But in reality, loving God and loving people go hand in hand. Jesus said, “By this the world will know you are my disciples: if you love one another” (John 13:35). So our compassion is evidence of our Christlikeness. It is also a powerful tool God uses to bring lost people into his kingdom. As representatives of God, our ability to love others bears testimony to the bigger, more perfect love God has for them. Our love for God and people brings everything into perspective.
Curiosity
God is omniscient (all-knowing), so he doesn’t demonstrate curiosity in all the same ways we do. However, he invites us to share our fears, our joys, our hurts with him not because he doesn’t know — he invites us to do this so we can enjoy the healing of relationship with him. We can emulate this in our relationships as well, behaving as God does and making space for others to share themselves, even if we think we already know what they’re going to share.
But there’s another aspect of human curiosity based on righteous humility: we are not omniscient. There is often so much about others we don’t know, and our curiosity about others acknowledges this while holding compassionate space they can fill with the tender parts of their heart. Even when we think we do know, taking a curious stance is often better and kinder than assuming.
Being safe
The truth is not everyone is safe. Especially if they’re not in the habit of feeling understood, people can’t share hurts, histories, and insecurities with just anyone. So as listeners, we strive to cultivate safety in relationships with others so they feel safe enough to open up. This is some of the most meaningful and worthwhile work we can pursue. A posture of compassion and curiosity communicates safety, predicating healing and reconciliation.
Think about your relationships with others
Where do you see opportunities to bring more curiosity and compassion to your relationships? One or maybe a few relationships might have come to mind as you read this; there might be places you would like to bring more curiosity and compassion. If so, I pray God would fill you with his Spirit as you pursue this holy work. May he bless you and give you wisdom, renewing your mind and conforming you evermore to his own image.
And if you find yourself desiring more earthly help in this endeavor, remember God created the Body of Christ for situations like these. We are not on a solo mission. We each have strengths and weaknesses, and our weaknesses are exactly where God’s power is most revealed. We are called to share one another’s burdens, to sharpen and strengthen one another. If you’re not sure where to go, talk to a Christian counselor and see how together you can unlock more compassion and curiosity in your life!
Consider your relationships with parts of yourself
In our culture, we often make the mistake of considering ourselves as single-minded, as if we always fully feel and want one thing at a time. Too often, when we behave in ways we don’t understand, we deride ourselves and treat ourselves unkindly, which often reinforces the behavior we don’t like while ignoring the root of the problem.
However, therapeutic approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help us reconsider ourselves and make traction in areas we have been stuck by examining the “internal family” we have inside each of us, a myriad of beautifully diverse parts that can all work in harmony to allow us to thrive. Even as we seek to learn more about our internal parts, compassion and curiosity are integral to this goal. We cannot fully love ourselves and heal our own wounds until we approach those parts with curiosity and compassion. When we do, though, it’s nothing short of life-changing.
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