How do I get rid of these negative thoughts?

It’s one of the most common questions I hear in counseling. A thought takes root in my mind; no matter what I do, it seems to keep growing, and I keep returning to it. How do I make it stop?

First, let me give you the deeply unsatisfying disclaimer: there is no one-size-fits-all solution, no magic pill. The best solution is often working with a trained professional who can respond in real-time to all your nuances and help you navigate through your version of this issue. That being said, I’d like to share some of the concepts that my clients have found most helpful.

The conversation starts with a need to address the self-pathologizing. We have a tragic tendency to feel broken as we are struggling with this issue. Some clients even ask for a diagnosis. The problem is a diagnosis can increase negative feelings we have about the issue, ratcheting up its perceived severity and permanence. But here’s the truth: struggling with negative thoughts is part of the human condition. We all sometimes get caught in these thought patterns. We all sometimes have trouble letting things go. Fortunately, like a pupil who stares for hours at a math problem without being able to solve it, learning the right skill can make easy work of what before seemed impossible.

Thought patterns reinforce around strong emotions. The irony of this phenomenon is that the more we detest a thought, the more persistent it will be. The more frustrated we are with our stuckness, the more difficult it can be to learn and think creatively in a way that gets us unstuck. Our tendency to judge our own thinking makes the problem worse. But here’s another critical piece that I heard at a spiritual warfare conference by Marcus Warner: “Not every thought that comes into your head is your own.” When we embrace that reality, we can be much more compassionate toward the thoughts we experience.

A popular analogy in counseling is one of a stream in autumn. You sit peacefully on the bank as cascading leaves flutter gently onto the water’s surface upstream. Red, orange, brown, and gold, each of these leaves represents a thought. As they float by in front of you, you can notice each one as they come and go. You can pick a leaf up and examine it, familiarizing yourself with all of its intricacies. You can memorize it. You can even take it home. Or you can set it back down and pick up another.

One of the other secrets about rumination is that it can be very difficult to “set down” a thought. The good news is it is very easy to “pick up” a new one, and in doing so our consciousness shifts from what we were thinking of before. So more than trying to “get rid of” a negative thought, it’s an intentional process of setting our minds on the things we want to be thinking about. 

The Bible offers helpful guidance here, encouraging us to take thoughts captive, renew our minds, and “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬). Paul, who had learned the secret of being content in all circumstances, also wrote, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Neuroscience now corroborates Paul’s advice, touting the benefits of gratitude, faith, and joy.

Gratitude

There are tons of great resources online about gratitude journaling, so I won’t repeat that here. However, I want to clarify that Paul is saying to give thanks in all circumstances, not for all circumstances. That point of confusion can cause gratitude to feel disingenuous, but again, this is about choosing to focus on the good rather than discounting the difficult and painful. Science shows us that gratitude is one of the healthiest emotions. Fortunately, simple, routine discipline of gratitude can drastically increase our capacity for it, as well as our overall wellbeing.

Faith

Faith is an integral part of this as well. When we have real faith, and when we focus on its cosmic implications, the grandeur and specificity of God’s love for us, it can put into perspective even the most difficult pain in our lives. However, God wants to do more than overshadow our pain: he emphasizes his compassion for it and his desire to be with us in it. He is Emmanuel, God with us. He is the Comforter. He sees every tear that falls, and our pain grieves his heart. He is preparing a place for us where there is no more pain, and he paid the ultimate price to allow us to join him there. Sometimes the enduring pain in our lives is a divine invitation into deeper, closer relationship to the ultimate Source of all goodness, comfort, and love. God wants us to cast our cares upon him, to come into a greater appreciation of and reliance upon his sovereignty and his compassion for us.

Joy

There’s a lot that can be said about joy, but for purposes of this post, I’d like to focus on two parts: the appropriateness of it and the behavioral aspect of making it happen. First, when we are in pain, especially grief, we often subscribe to a myth that it’s not appropriate for us to feel joy. We feel like it would be somehow dishonoring the object of our grief, or that it would discount our pain. To test this, I encourage switching roles. When you die, do you want your loved ones to languish in pain forever? Of course not. You hope there is an appropriate grief that validates the importance of their role in your life, but you also want them to experience joy after your passing. If you were up in Heaven watching your loved ones grieve, my guess is you would even want them to experience as much joy as possible even throughout their grieving process because of your love for them. The good news is joy is something that can be planned and scheduled; there is a behavioral element where your behavior influences your emotional state. You can schedule activities you know give you joy. You can plan get-togethers with people who make you laugh, encourage you, fill your cup. And your joy in hardship can be a powerful testimony, both to your own heart and to others.

Idleness vs Purposeful Work

The Bible warns against idleness, and I think this is partly because a mind not working toward good becomes undisciplined and unfocused; it will apply its great powers to destructive means. However, the more we are engaged with purposeful work, the less our minds have time and space to wander into undesirable places. Consider how full your schedule is, and consider whether your mind has enough exciting, purposeful work. In a culture of overwork and unbridled busyness, we can be repulsed by the suggestion to add more, but what I am suggesting might actually mean getting rid of some purposeless activity to pursue that which feeds your soul.

Other Strategies Against Rumination

I’d like to conclude with a few other specific strategies that can help defeat rumination:

• Set a “worry time,” a designated time each day or each week when they are going to be sad, worried, etc. Outside of that time, when those thoughts come to mind, adopt a gentle self-response: “Let’s save that for worry time.” Knowing you have a designated time for those thoughts can allow you to set them aside for now. Then when the worry time comes, you can fully give in without remorse. However, if you get to your scheduled worry time and you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to. Critically, though, you don’t get rollover minutes with worry time. If the worries come back an hour later, that’s okay, but you want to save them for the next scheduled worry time.

• Some people also find journaling to be incredibly helpful. Something about putting the thoughts down on the page can free them from the mind. Pro tip: especially when one of your objectives is the unburdening of your mind, be sure to close your journal and put it away when you’re finished, a symbolic reinforcement of the closure and healthy compartmentalization you seek.

• Don’t underestimate the power of action. This can help people get out of a victim mindset. What can you control, and what would you like to do about it? Is there a conversation that needs to be had, or something that needs to be done? What seems like rumination could actually be God convicting us of steps we need to take.

• Similar to journaling, writing letters can help process and clarify our feelings toward people, especially if we’re feeling unheard, unappreciated, or unloved in that relationship. Those letters often go unsent for practical reasons, but they can help us deal with difficult emotions. Sometimes we pray them instead of sending them so we can be heard and comforted by God, knowing the ideal recipient may not be capable of a healing response. Sometimes the letters are also burned afterward, which can provide a healthy release.

May the God of hope work in your heart and mind to deepen your understanding of how much he loves you. May you experience his delight. May your image-bearing compassion increase, both toward others and toward yourself. May the Lord increase your gratitude, faith, and joy, leading you into purposeful work that yields a peaceful sense of fulfillment, as a laborer reclines under the shade of a tree after a long day. May your mind dwell on things above, savoring what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy.

Brushing Too Hard: Taking Self-Care Too Far

“Seriously?” I asked the dentist.

He nodded with an apologetic smile.

“I really wish someone had told me earlier,” I said more to myself than to him. After my appointment, I made an extra stop at the store to purchase toothpaste for sensitive teeth and a special electric toothbrush that would help prevent the problem from getting worse.

I felt angry and betrayed. I was in my mid-twenties, and I had just learned I had been brushing too hard, causing irreversible damage, which had led to receding gums and high sensitivity to acidic and sugary foods (some of my favorites).

Growing up, I had visited the dentist regularly, and while I wasn’t always the model patient, I generally did well. In fact, I reasoned, when cleaning something, sometimes a little extra elbow grease makes it even cleaner, so I had always brushed with vigor. Despite what must have been an apparent decline over decades, my dentists never said anything about brushing too hard until it was too late. And so, by trying too hard to follow the experts’ advice, I had caused a problem I didn’t even realize was possible.

I think there are some similarities between this situation and self-care. Is brushing teeth a good thing? Undoubtedly. So it is with self-care. And yet, both can be done “too hard.” Some people take self-care to a place of self-indulgence, a place that becomes selfish. Both the Bible and neuroscience tout the benefits of generosity and serving others, and both warn against a life that is too self-focused.

This can sometimes be difficult to remember. When a client is telling me about the ways others hurt them or make things difficult, sometimes the best path is for the client to become more of a helper in their own life. However, it often feels a lot better in the moment just to get validation, to have someone else say, “keep up the good work,” like my dentists said to me.

But focusing too much on caring for ourselves at the expense of caring for others can cause serious damage, and it can cause us to develop a problematic oversensitivity or fragility. Serving others, on the other hand, has a way of increasing our gratitude (one of the healthiest states of mind) while bringing our problems into proper perspective.

My advice? Brush your teeth, but not too hard.

Perspectives: Outrage and Controversy, Such as the Olympic Boxing Gender Issue

Outrage erupted yesterday after Angela Carini withdrew from an Olympic match against Imane Khelif, stating that she had never been hit so hard. Mobs took to social media, angrily raising concerns about gender and sexuality issues, citing Khelif's former disqualifications from other past boxing events. Other mobs fought back, making a case that Khelif should be allowed to compete, and the IOC insisted "This is not a transgender issue." I don't claim to know the answers, as this case seems disturbingly unclear despite my strong desire to oversimplify it. However, my hope in this post is not to resolve the debate but instead to invite you to consider a different response entirely.

The whole thing is a trap.

The truth is, we don't have to weigh in. Very few of the people who read this (likely none) will actually have to make decisions on these issues. I do not envy those who do, but I trust they will consider carefully the nuances because real people will be affected either way by the policies they enact. For the rest of us, we have the freedom to opt out. And I would argue that is the far better path.

The problem is, our society has become addicted to outrage and controversy. For too many, it serves as an alluring surrogate for purpose.

Fortunately, herein also lies the antidote. When we are engaged with real purpose, we have little time or desire to get sucked into idle debate. In Loveland, for example, we have been dealing with a wildfire, and many families have been displaced. Countless volunteers have worked tirelessly over the last week to set up shelters, spread information, make donations, distribute supplies and food, and even house displaced chickens. This stuff matters. This importantly impacts those whose lives are in upheaval. In fact, compassionate community responses such as this can drastically decrease a person's likelihood to sustain life-altering trauma in an emergency situation.

The fire is a current extreme example, but there are crises around us every day, places where you can meaningfully engage with more purpose in your life. There are scores of nonprofits helping those in need: those working in the foster system, fighting homelessness, healing addiction, and so much more. There is a chronic shortage of volunteers in children's ministries in churches, one of the best places to influence the next generation and give them hope. There are countless places you can make an important difference right now.

And when you are available, living in the present moment, looking for opportunities, small things often pop up: the opportunity to pick up a wayward piece of trash and beautify your neighborhood, rescuing racoons trapped in the dumpster at work (not with your hands — use a long branch so they can climb out on their own), calling the HVAC company listed on the work van in front of you in traffic to let them know their brake light is out. These things bring joy and cohesion to a community. These things matter. And they're so much better for you.

There's a myth that took root decades ago in the mental health field: that it was healthy to "vent" or "release" anger, as if that got it out of your body. But the truth is the opposite. Research has shown that thinking of or inviting intense negative emotions puts harmful strain on our bodies. When in comes to stress and anger, this means increased blood pressure, decreased ability to heal and recover, higher levels of cortisol, etc. It also reinforces neural pathways, making you an angrier person. In other words, indulging in unnecessary anger is bad for you.

Some of you are reading this thinking, but the Bible says to be angry! Jesus was even angry sometimes! Let's look into these arguments a bit:

Some translations in Ephesians 4:26 say, "Be angry," and then it is immediately followed with two critical points: 1) Do not sin, and 2) Don't let the sun go down on your anger. In other words, anger can easily foreshadow sin, and it should be brief. It is also important to consider this verse in context. It is a letter written to the church about the church. Before this, Paul talks about the importance of unity, peace, gentleness, and patience. Then when he says to be angry, he is addressing the occasional, inevitable anger between believers involved in ministry together over time. However, his point is not that we should be angry people; his point is the importance of righteously and urgently resolving it. Then in verse 29, it says, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

This church perspective also helps us understand Jesus's anger. Some historical study reveals that the secular world was engaged in all sorts of debauchery and sexual sin during Jesus's ministry, but when does he get angry? When those who claim to represent God are focused on minutia rather than ministry, when people get caught up focusing on earthly concerns rather than godly ones.

Fortunately, we can make a choice. We can choose where to place our focus. We can engage in real purpose. We can choose to work toward greater acceptance of things we can't change and work toward changing the things we can. We can choose to think on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. I like this sentiment from Hungary's Luca Hamori, the next boxer who will face Khelif. She doesn't get to choose whether she faces Khelif or not — they are scheduled to fight on Saturday either way — she only gets to choose her attitude. She said, "If she or he is a man, it will be a bigger victory for me if I win."