Blessing Emotions

Many of the clients I work with describe a challenge with accessing their emotions. There can be many reasons for this: how they were parented, trauma they experienced, broad cultural expectations thrust upon them, norms in their peer groups, medications that blunt emotions, personality types, mental health disorders, and more. However, from a clinical and biblical perspective, emotions are good. They are the taste buds allowing us to savor the deliciousness of life. Even the bitter sting of loss, the sour notes of anger, the salt of sadness can be elements of a masterpiece far more delightful than pure sweetness.

Consider how a person’s tastes develop. Children comprehend and crave pure sweetness as the pinnacle of flavor, but as they mature, they grow more nuanced, more thoughtful about flavor. They can notice and even enjoy umami, saltiness, spice, sour, bitterness. They can consider many different elements all at once, finding beauty in each individually, as well as a greater appreciation of their interplay and harmony when they together compose a dish.

Emotions are much the same. As children, we crave sweetness, love, play, positivity — and that is all we appreciate. In the healthy course of maturation, however, a person comes to understand the inevitability of hardship. We can even reach a place of gratitude for difficulty, understanding that what is beautiful is sometimes made so by contrast. As salt is used to bring out the sweetness of baked goods, so does God use difficulty in our lives to deepen our enjoyment of and thankfulness for our many blessings, meanwhile nourishing us for growth.

Have you ever noticed how some bites take your senses on a journey? You notice first the appearance: colors, sheen, plating. Then the aroma, foreshadowing the delight to come. The first pillowy touch caresses your tongue, then you taste the crystalline sugar. Soon afterward, the tangy, acidic filling, punctuated with a delightful crunch. Vanilla notes sing a melody overhead as you swallow, the heat of cinnamon echoing on your breath. A buttery aftertaste lingers as you go back in for more.

Likewise, emotions can be simultaneous or sequential. Sometimes, clients find healing by pairing sweet and sour together, which can afford nourishing digestion of what has been sitting on the plate in front of them for so long. Sometimes, though, clients find they have already ingested something painfully spicy, and they cannot consider anything else until they have some milk to assuage the scorching heat. Once they do, though, clients often find they are free to peruse a feast of other options.

It might be helpful to reframe difficult emotions as vegetables, perhaps not as pleasant as some other foods but maybe most nourishing and necessary for growth. And again, many adults come to appreciate properly prepared vegetables as having their own merits and appeal. The adult who refuses to eat vegetables will certainly fall ill, becoming twisted, incapable of doing things he once could do. He will soon be relieved of the life he sought to avoid. Ironically, for want of the vegetables he spurned, his shortened life also left untold delicacies untasted.

We have all witnessed some version of the child who sits forever in front of a plate with three bites of broccoli. He protests and cries and stalls, but once he finally accepts the resolve of his unwavering, loving parents, he realizes the experience was not quite so unpleasant as he built it up to be. Then he recovers instantaneously, cheerily announcing he is ready for cake now. We see his folly so plainly, yet too often we are this child in the face of unwanted emotions.

So if we must experience certain emotions in order to most freely enjoy those we desire, how do we process those unwanted emotions? There are many answers to this question, and this can be a wonderful adventure to pursue in therapy. Even if you feel your emotional “plate” feels insurmountable, consider the age-old wisdom of how to eat an elephant: one bite at a time. Here are some ways to take bites:

• Journaling about these feelings. This can take a variety of forms, from a fictional story about a character going through a similar situation to a more “scientific” tracking of emotions, rating how they shift and what variables might be contributing

• Looking at pictures that bring up these emotions

• Praying about these emotions, verbally processing them with God

• Studying scripture to see how God feels about them, to learn from characters in the Bible experiencing similar things, and to discern recommended responses

• Talking to a loved one about these feelings

• Listening to music that helps metabolize these feelings. Critically, I believe music can move us, it can keep us stuck, or it can make us worse. Be intentional about the effect of the music you are consuming.

On that note, I would like to discuss the role music might play as you begin to unlock a greater range of emotional experiencing. You cannot think your way into feeling more emotions, just as you cannot eat food by thinking about it. We must feel them. To that end, each of the bullets above is designed to invite you into sensing the unresolved emotions. In particular, music is an incredibly powerful tool because it marries cognitive and emotional. While listening to music, the brain enjoys bilateral stimulation, which has been shown to be a powerful ingredient in emotional healing. Furthermore, when we sing along, we are activating other somatic solutions, naturally tapping into the calming effect the body experiences when taking deep breaths with a longer exhale than inhale.

Music has such potent therapeutic effects that it has inspired a specific branch of therapy. A growing number of studies shows the benefits of music for even severe memory loss cases; music literally unlocks parts of the brain. While science is catching up, the value of music has been clear since nearly the beginning of time. Have you ever considered how prevalent music is in the Bible? From Genesis to Revelation, music is evident throughout. Music has eternal value (it is in Heaven, and angels sing). Music is a medium to communicate with God. And consider this: King David, “a man after God’s own heart,” was a prolific musician, composing about half of the Psalms. Notice David was not called a man after God’s mind.

Music moves us. It can inspire us to feel excited, courageous, patriotic, fearful, uneasy, grief-stricken, romantic, and so much more — and all without lyrics! When it includes the added poetry and clarity of lyricism, music can be one of the most profound tools available to us to heal our hearts because music speaks the language of the heart.

Therefore, I will be analyzing some music in this and some future blog posts, sharing therapeutic perspectives along the way. To start, I would like to explore “The Blessing” by Elevation Worship. Based on Numbers 6:24-26, the song is fairly unique amongst popular Christian worship music for several reasons. Here are some things I like about it:

• It begins with a beautiful musical rendition of scripture, leaving the text unchanged but leveraging the power of music to add emotional depth to a meaningful biblical blessing.

• Many worship songs feel similar to one another, but this one is unique because a congregation essentially sings it to one another and over themselves. There is much more that could be said about the power of blessing and the power of words, but that is another post for another time.

• For some reason, I think because of the title, this song reminds me of Luke 6:28 as well. This can be a powerful way to practice forgiveness, blessing and praying for those who have caused us pain. I like that this song resonates from several different perspectives: blessing my brothers and sisters in Christ, how I see myself, and even how I am called to respond to those who mistreat me.

• I love the inclusion of amen throughout the song. Sometimes it can lose its meaning as a requisite conclusion to a prayer, but amen means truth, certainty, so let it be, agreement, or confirmation. I love how this song confirms and reminds throughout.

• While sometimes repetition can be overly done in worship music, I like it in this song. In literature, repetition highlights the importance of a concept. It is as though our hearts are practicing the feeling, rehearsing the truth, taking another bite of the goodness. This song reminds me of “How He Loves Us,” which is also quite repetitive. However, there are some things it is good for our hearts to repeat over and over and over.

• I love the content of the Numbers prayer. This is a blessing God gave to the leaders of Israel to bless his people. In other words, it tells us how God feels about us, how he treats us. He blesses us. He keeps us. His face shines upon us, and he extends us grace. He is attentive to us, and he beams at us when he sees us. He gives us peace. That is true. We can live like it or not, but that is true. I encourage you to meditate on these words and repeat them over and over if there are parts of this that are difficult to accept.

• The rest of the song is a pastiche of many passages. You can see all of them here. Not every worship song must be pulled exclusively from scripture, but it can help, especially when our hearts are resistant to the truth. As believers, when we are confronted with the tension between what the Bible says and what we feel is true, we choose a higher authority than our own feelings. As a child who feels unworthy submits to the embrace of a loving parent and soaks in the greater truth that their worth is not conditional, so we are invited to relax into the truths of how God tells us he feels about us — not how we feel he feels about us. In this way, relying on our own feelings about our worth is a strange form of pride, but embracing our surpassing value in Christ is humility. When we struggle with this, I remember Mark 9:24: “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

It is my conviction that one of the greatest lies the Enemy uses to cripple Christians is the sense that we must be consumed by the weight of our own depravity, that we are prideful if we walk in confidence. That we must be meek, downtrodden, quiet. But let me be clear: that is not true. The Bible gives us some markers of how we can be recognized as Christ’s followers: powerful, loving, mentally healthy, courageous, hopeful, and the other fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23, 2 Timothy 1:7, 1 Peter 3:15). We see these qualities in Jesus himself and in his disciples; why do we believe they are not for us? Why do we remain starving or scrounging for crumbs on the floor when a feast awaits us?

I pray God would grant you the courage to face the difficulties in your life that have before seemed too daunting. May your heart feel the embrace of his compassion when you feel too scared, too hurt, too weak to venture past the pain to the beauty. May your ears hear the gentle whisper of his invitation, and may hope stir in your soul at the feast before you. May you savor with abandon that which has been lovingly prepared for your good, and as you do so, may the nourishment reach those parts of yourself which have languished for so long. May you grow to be healthy and strong and wise, peaceful and free and joyful. I pray your heart would sing of his goodness, now and forevermore. Amen.

Should I Reconcile with Them?

After my last post, a friend sent me a message with one of the most important questions we can ask in our lives. Essentially, it was this: “Does God want me to reconcile with this person?”

I love the heart behind that question because it reveals an image-bearing desire to be reconciled to all people, just as God wants for himself. I find it helpful to make this connection because we can learn from how God approaches reconciliation: despite his great desire to have a close, healthy relationship with every person, God does not infringe upon our free will by forcing a one-sided relationship. He has taken every action possible to allow those who desire closeness to respond to that, but the rest is a gentle pursuit.

Let me first touch on some of the mental health concepts intersecting with this post:

• Faith. The benefits of faith are widely regarded among therapists, proven to reduce pain, promote hope, reveal purpose, and much more.

• Boundaries. In my opinion, the world overprescribes boundaries, and so does the church. Believers are called to get their hands dirty, to be uncomfortable, even sometimes to experience great pain for a greater cause. However, there are some biblical exceptions, places where we do draw lines. The right boundaries can help protect from ongoing abuse, toxic relationships, integrity issues, and more.

• Forgiveness. This can be somewhat controversial, but I believe it’s biblically clear that Christians are always called to forgive (but not necessarily to reconcile). More details below. Furthermore, from a mental health standpoint, forgiveness done right can be one of the healthiest decisions we make for ourselves, unburdening our hearts and unlocking more joy and peace.

• Relationships. Healthy relationships are an absolute must for overall wellbeing. If we can’t reconcile, this becomes much harder. Moreover, I would argue that sometimes a relationship reconciled can be richer and deeper than one that has never fractured in the first place.

• Integrity/Integration. All parts of our lives existing in harmony is conducive to our wellbeing. Believing our faith and acting it out. Being the same person on Sunday morning and Tuesday afternoon and Friday night. Consistency from home to work to play, all in a way that resonates with who we want to be. God is clear that he detests “lukewarm” faith. If we are Christians, we must live as such, and that is where we experience the most overall wellbeing. The Christian faith is not just a nice idea or something to feel good about sometimes; it is Truth. The Bible was composed by the God who wove the fabric of reality. If we believe in Jesus, we must take seriously what he says, even the uncomfortable parts. As we integrate our lives and experience integrity, the result can be freedom, peace, and joy. We can feel God's face shining upon us.

To explore the question of whether you are called to reconcile with a specific person, I would like to consider Matthew 18:15-22. It was challenging to limit myself when choosing these verses, because I feel the context is so helpful in understanding Jesus’s train of thought. I think this chapter is one of the richest passages of scripture. It starts out by talking about how much God loves children, and how we are to become like children. Afterward, Jesus talks about his heart to pursue those who are lost, sharing the parable of God’s heart to leave the ninety-nine sheep to find the one that was missing, then the celebration when that sheep is found. Directly afterward, with the call of pursuit still echoing, these verses follow:

15 “If your brother or sister sins (some translations include “against you”), go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over (emphasis mine). 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

There’s a lot to unpack there. A few key points:

• “Brother or sister” is language generally used for other church members, so considering this with the context of these passages, we can assume this process applies specifically to dealing with other believers. That is not to say that you should not try to reconcile with unbelievers, only that the process may be totally different. After all, unbelievers do not recognize the same standards and the same authority you do, so it calls for a different response. Furthermore, a believer’s top priority when relating to an unbeliever is usually to reveal Christ; after all, trying to heal one’s own scratch while ignoring the other’s mortal wound is an appalling misprioritization.

• Matthew 18:15-17 is a blueprint for loving pursuit. The heart is to address the sin that is blocking the relationship so that relationship can be restored. It is tenacious, but it also has limits. If step one doesn’t work, you try step two. If step two doesn’t work, you try step three. But if step three doesn’t work, you put up healthy boundaries. We are not called to give unlimited chances. But there might also be important steps between confronting the sin and ending the relationship. 

  • I say this with great compassion and with the massive caveat that a blog post is wholly insufficient to provide the deep care and wisdom required to address the nuances and layered pain of abusive situations. I urge you if that is your situation to find wise believers, ideally with qualified training addressing abusive relationships, to walk alongside you in this situation and help you discern the best path forward.

• Matthew 18:15 hints at a critical issue in reconciliation: those who cause us pain are often at least partially oblivious to it. We must point it out. We do so without cushioning or minimizing it, full of truth, so they have the option to respond appropriately.

• These situations often expose differences of opinion or interpretation. That’s part of the reason for bringing along two or three others in step two. One of the goals with all of this is unity in the body of Christ. If we can all agree on what is right and what is wrong as we seek to become more Christlike together, it can have a purifying effect on everyone. While bringing along your “two or three,” they hopefully have a bit more distance and objectivity from the issue to help clarify things and win this person over so you can all be unified.

• See my last blog post about how we are to treat tax collectors. TLDR: Love them, but don’t allow them to be in your inner circle.

• Verse 18 suggests there are eternal consequences to our obedience in pursuing reconciliation. Biblically I think it is clear this is a matter very near to God’s heart, one of the most critical issues for believers to embrace.

• Verses 19 and 20 are often misapplied, but when considered in context, they’re clearly related to reconciliation. I believe part of what Jesus is saying in verse 19 is that when two believers in conflict agree to ask for and pursue reconciliation in his name, God will provide it. Having been a part of many reconciliation processes, I have seen this borne out over and over again, although it doesn't always happen to the point of complete restoration, which is probably another blog post entirely. That being said, to go from completely being at odds to finding a way to coexist again is a big win. From my perspective, the only times when reconciliation has been impossible have been those where at least one party is not agreed about the goal. I have seen people participate in a conversation where everyone else agrees to ask for reconciliation but one person is asking God to punish the other person — or worse yet, they are taking it upon themselves to punish the other party. I believe this tragic mismatch reveals a hardheartedness usually caused by trauma and/or a habitual choosing their own way rather than submitting fully to God's direction for their lives.

• Verses 21 and 22 reveal the integral role forgiveness plays in all of this, which I believe can be separate from the other person’s repentance. The Chosen, Season 4, Episode 2 has a beautiful depiction of these verses, underscoring how all-encompassing forgiveness is. We are always called to forgive. However, this instruction stands in direct contrast with verses 15-17, which is about the condition of the relationship itself. Whether the person is repentant or not, we are called to forgive, but that doesn’t mean the relationship has been restored. We can only have relational intimacy when there is repentance for sin. By the way, if you are having trouble talking to the other person about how they sinned against you, what if you tried working on forgiveness first? If you do that, don't miss the opportunity to talk to them about their sin later if God is directing you to do that; you courage and obedience to do so can be incredibly loving and can deepen your own healing.

• After this passage, Jesus tells one of his most disturbing parables about how wrong unforgiveness is, as well as the reason we forgive: we have had all of our sins forgiven, so why would we hold this person’s sin against them?

So, am I called to reconcile with this person? My first instinct is to ask, ‘Have you prayed about it?’ But I don’t ask that here because sometimes Christians make the mistake of praying for answers when God has already clearly provided them in the Bible. That being said, if matters are still uncertain after consulting the word, prayer for direction is a wonderful step, as is consulting other wise believers who can help you navigate this.

Based on our consideration with scripture so far, I would say you have a few things to consider as you explore whether you are called to reconcile a specific relationship:

1. Do your fractured relationships grieve your heart the way they grieve God's? If not, what if you prayed for your heart to become more like his? What would it look like to leave the 99 sheep in your life to pursue the one that has become lost?

2. Have you followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process? If you haven't and you are experiencing unresolved relational pain, you have work to do.

3. If you have followed the Matthew 18:15-17 process but the person is not repentant, the Bible indicates you are to treat this person with a level of distance and even distrust. Ultimately, they are not submitted to the same God. This person is either a fool or is living in outright sin. Either way, this is not the kind of person you want intimately influencing your life. Importantly, it is not your job to save this “tax collector.” Consider also that this person has once enjoyed being a part of the body of Christ. They probably know the path back to the fold. In this sense, they may not be a lost sheep; they may be a rebellious sheep, and you reconciling into relational intimacy with an unrepentant sinner might constitute your own rebellion and bring also its own dire consequences.

4. As my last post suggested, I don't believe that is automatically the end of the story. Just as Jesus pursued the lost sheep (and the tax collectors), I believe we are called to a gentle pursuit of others, beckoning them into a life of holiness. As you align your heart more with God's and explore how he might be calling you to pursue this person, sometimes he will give you another invitation that goes beyond the "treat them like a tax collector" instructions.

5. Have you forgiven this person? If not, you have work to do. Here’s a fun little biblical Easter egg: there is great significance in the numbers in the Bible. The number 7 symbolizes perfect completion. When Jesus says we are to forgive seventy-seven times, it foreshadows the parable to come. Seventy (big number of perfect completion) symbolizes the perfect, complete work Jesus accomplished on the cross, forgiving all of our sins. Seven shows our part, our work to play out the gospel and extend a fraction of the grace we have been shown by completely forgiving others. We do not have a choice about forgiveness. Refusal to forgive shows that we have not grasped the immensity of what we have been forgiven. It shows we are not following God, and likely we have not embraced his forgiveness for us; instead we may still be living in the poverty of believing we still owe a debt we can never pay, and so we scrape every miserly bit we can from the other urchins as our heavenly father grieves our rebellion, urging us to repent, claim our crowns, and sit at the table of the feast he has prepared for us.

Here are a few other scriptures and thoughts that may up the ante and clarify things even more:

• 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-24).

  • Consider what God is saying here. Rather than worshiping him and/or atoning for your sins at the altar, God wants you to urgently be reconciled.

  • The person in the passage isn’t the one with the grievance. If your brother or sister has something against you, you still have a biblical responsibility to take action to resolve it.

• “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18).

  • The obvious implication here is that it’s not always possible. But when it is, we are called to do whatever we can.

  • Notably, this verse is specifically talking about those outside the church. In other words, when it says everyone, it actually means everyone.

  • It is also important to recognize that living at peace is not the same thing as living in a close relationship. The church in Acts shared “everything in common.” They were living like a family. But the way we interact with the world at large is different. It’s living at peace, but it’s not as intimate. We invite others to join the family of God, yet until they are adopted in, we interact a bit differently, largely because the world does not follow Jesus; our faith, if it is real, dictates the direction of everything else in our lives. How could we have any enduring intimacy with people who are headed in an opposite direction and who have totally different values from ours? Some of you reading this may think, for example, “What about a value of kindness?” When we get practical, it breaks down. For example, a nonbeliever would probably say it’s kind to respect everyone’s beliefs and to honor all faiths. But a believer knows that Jesus is the only way to Heaven. They know the unbeliever’s “kindness” leads to Hell. This is not to say we cannot agree with nonbelievers on superficial things, but on eternal matters, we are oil and water, which can be at peace but will be inherently separate.

• John 17:23 communicates the stakes, according to Jesus. Just before Jesus was crucified (these are his deathbed words, so to speak), Jesus is praying that his church would be in unity, and when they are, “Then the world will know that [God] sent [Jesus].” This is the measure Jesus provided, the piece of proof that will win hearts to his kingdom. “By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).

How can we do this? Part of the secret is found in this truth: our suffering is not the point, it is merely a means to an end. Salvation is the point. As followers of Jesus, we know we will have suffering in this life, and it’s worth it. To be a soldier for Jesus means we will face hardship as we fight to win people’s souls (2 Timothy 2:3). We also know that in suffering, God is sovereign and loving. In this crucible will he refine, discipline, purify — producing perseverance, character, holiness. Thank God there is great purpose in our pain.

So I ask you, soldier: what is God leading you to do?

Do not waste this moment of conviction. Do not set it on a shelf. Set your obedience in motion. Send the text, make the call, schedule the coffee. 

May the Lord guide you and equip you as you walk in obedience to him. May he work wonders in your situation, bringing untold blessing and healing. May his kingdom expand through your mighty soldiering, and may hearts be the prize.

Living at Peace with Everyone: What About Now?

I find Romans 12:18 to be one of the most challenging passages in Scripture: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

It's an incredibly high standard in difficult situations, and it can be very challenging to balance God's clear values for unity, peace, and love with His equally clear value for truth, as well as other guidance in the Bible to admonish other believers and sharpen one another. Navigating that tension can be so difficult; rather than a blog post providing a roadmap, it is probably best left to the domain of seeking wise counsel and walking together with mature brothers and sisters in Christ who can speak into your life, encouraging you toward Jesus as you traverse this rocky terrain.

However, God has recently been leading me into a new season of growth in a related area: what does it mean to live at peace over time? When and how am I invited to reexamine places of disunity from my past?

Our culture too often looks at relationships as disposable. In the secular world, when a relationship goes sideways, people often bury it six feet underground. Too often, believers do the same.

But we Christians believe in resurrection. Biblically, I think it's clear that relationships are the point, the very reason we were created. We are designed primarily for the purpose of loving God and loving others. Therefore, when our relationships are fractured, there is little that should grieve us more. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to heal our relationships. But sometimes there is. And maybe more than I care to admit, sometimes there wasn't anything I could do before, but there is now. People change and grow, and situations shift.

God has been convicting me lately that just because I did everything possible to live at peace with everyone up until the point of fracture does not necessarily mean the story is over. Sometimes God will stir our spirits to reach out again, even years later, so he can provide healing. That may translate into reconciliation and restoration, or it may bring about greater closure. Much of the outcome is in God's hands, but obedience is in ours.

Sometimes in this discussion, people point to Matthew 18, referring to a biblical process of handling conflict that ends with "treat them like a tax collector" if the person remains unrepentant. Those of us well-versed (forgive the pun) in the Jewish cultural context know that Jews hated tax collectors, regarding them as traitors and sell-outs, despicable people not to be trusted. We can use this as justification to write them off and cut them out.

But "treat them like a tax collector" was written by a former tax collector. The human author of that passage had his life utterly transformed, partly by a contrast of expectation and reality: the distance between how he expected to be rejected as a tax collector and then how Jesus actually pursued him as a beloved child of God — kindness led Matthew to repentance. Then Matthew's heart was healed and his thinking shaped by walking with and watching Jesus love tax collectors and sinners for years. Jesus redefined how tax collectors should be treated.

Here's a critical distinction, though: Jesus was at peace with tax collectors, yet they did not comprise his inner circle. What about Matthew, you ask? Matthew was no longer defined as a tax collector; he had repented. He was defined as a disciple. The men who still identified as tax collectors were less intimate but still loved, living in the in-between of invitation and curiosity without acceptance and repentance.

Here’s another important distinction: Matthew 18 is about sin against you. It does not apply to all sin in general. Rather, the Matthew 18 process is designed so that we may have reconciliation with those who have sinned against us by addressing that wound directly and honestly, with truth and grace, in a way where kindness hopefully leads to repentance (repentance is “turning from the sin”).

In the case of a biblical process of conflict resolution, in situations where the steps have all been followed and the other party remains unrepentant, though, the person who is treated “like a tax collector” mustn’t be in your inner circle. Just as unrepentant sin in our own lives creates a barrier in our relationship with God, so it does between believers. Failing to acknowledge this by continuing to subject ourselves as victims of ongoing, unrepentant sin can perpetuate abuse and cause a desensitization toward sin, a pathological refusal to call it what it is because doing so would biblically require us to take certain actions. Or it can cause a dysfunctional callousing of our own hurt, a tendency to pretend we are okay when we are not. This is a sort of emotional self-harm, a devaluing of ourselves as Image-bearing co-heirs with Christ.

One final distinction: when God invites us to turn from sin, he does not do so from a place of hurt. Rather, he does it from a place of love and tenderness. He does so from a deep desire to be close to us, and I believe this posture maximizes the chances of repentance and healing. There is evil in the world, and there are times when others intentionally and maliciously hurt us. But most times, people hurt others because of their immaturity or the blindness caused by their own wounds. And as God works in their hearts, they can change. In such cases, sometimes it is helpful for me to meditate on Jesus's prayer on the cross: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” It also helps me to remember we have been forgiven so much more than the forgiveness we are called to offer in this specific situation, and we are instructed to forgive again and again and again.

I invite you to consider this: are you living at peace with everyone in your life, as far as it depends on you? God wants you to enjoy the freedom and integrity of doing so. He may be calling you to reexamine an old situation, to make an apology or to follow up or to confront someone who has sinned against you. Sometimes the Bible makes it clear how we should do this, but often, we benefit from pursuing wise counsel, journeying with others who have gone before us or who are especially gifted and/or skilled in such areas. Asking advice from fools is worse than not asking at all, but walking with the wise will make you wise, bringing with it many other blessings.

May we be at peace with everyone, even the tax collectors in our lives — those reformed and those in process. May we see them the way God sees them. May we love them, even when we are not able to have the intimacy our hearts desire. May God continue to bring healing to our fractured relationships through his goodness and our obedience.