How to Help Someone Who is Struggling

When I was a young man, my wife and I were blessed to find a wonderful group of other young adults in our church. We were one another’s primary social community, and it was beautiful. We studied God together, prayed together, ate together, and played together. Then tragedy struck. One of the couples had a miscarriage. Of course I had heard about miscarriages, but I had no idea what to do. I could tell they were hurting, but I didn’t know how I could help. I felt uncomfortable, and I wrongly assumed they would want to deal with it privately. I even maintained this belief after we attended the memorial service they held for their baby. I think I muttered some empty words after the service and gave my friend a hug. And then I never mentioned it again.

Many years later, I went through a heart-rending experience of my own — a life-altering, never-be-the-same kind of pain. I was the emotional equivalent of a burn survivor: permanent scars on my skin, wondering if everyone notices when they see me, always-hurts-when-I-move-certain-ways type of pain. One of the things I learned in that season, thanks to some dear friends who knew better, was what someone in the pit needs.

This blog post is a bit different from all the others I've written. Rather than targeting your own mental health, it is meant to help you help others, to not make the mistakes I made with my friends' miscarriage. I’ve realized in my counseling work that this is one of the greatest mental health gaps in society: we often want to help those who are hurting, but we don’t know what to do. I’ve heard far too many clients feeling crushed under the weight of life and feeling like they are doing it all alone because no one knows how to help. If that's you, I encourage you to share this post with the people close to you. Everyone else, I invite you to join me in seeking growth and Christlikeness in caring for those in pain.

The Bible commands us to “Share one another’s burdens,” but how? Sadly, as the world drifts increasingly toward tribalism and superficial relationships, we are losing the art of caring for one another, and there is precious little training telling us what to do when someone near us is in emotional pain but we can’t remove the source of that heartbreak.

Sometimes you just need to show up when it really counts. Going to pray with a family in the hospital while a loved one is on their deathbed. Visiting the person with the long, lonely surgery recovery. Helping the person from the toxic situation where they have been living. In these times, it’s less about what you say and more about the fact you were there. In the moving, quirky 2007 film Lars and the Real Girl, a small town mobilizes to help a man in emotional crisis. At an especially painful point for him, several older women from town bring casseroles and come to be with him, saying, "That's what people do when tragedy strikes. They come over, and sit."

Other times, deep, healing love is administered over time and through repetition. The day after the greatest heartbreak of my life, my best friend asked me if it would be helpful to go to coffee together and talk about it. I said I think so. That first morning coffee together, we sat in front of the coffee shop at 7am, and I wept for what felt like hours. The second week, I wept a lot less. We have had coffee together most Friday mornings for the past five years. My healing journey took at least a couple years, but most of our coffee conversations even during those two years weren’t about my pain; what mattered was knowing he was there when I did need to talk about it.

This is perhaps the most important way to help someone who is struggling: be there. I’ve had loved ones who offered my heart more healing through a knowing look and a hug than any words they could have said. We need to know we are not alone. 

That being said, being present but pretending like nothing is wrong can be even worse than not being there at all. Our silence can send messages like, “We aren’t that close” or “I love you when you have everything all together, but I don’t want to deal with this mess” or “This shouldn’t be that big of a deal.” Those can be devastating.

So I also recommend talking about it. You don’t have to have the perfect words, but there are some principles that can set you up for success. Here’s a short list:

1. When in doubt, be direct and explicit — not subtle or implied. You won’t save them pain by only hinting at it. Conversely, when you show them you’re willing to discuss it head-on, you communicate the closeness and safety of your relationship. For example, “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I love you and I’m here. I don’t really know what to do, but I’m committed to trying.”

2. Offer suggestions for how you can care rather than open-ended questions. People in great pain often don’t know what they need or don’t want to ask for it. Instead, offer specific suggestions. After you do, give them time to process the suggestion and formulate a response, which takes longer for someone in an emotionally difficult place than it would for someone who is feeling fine. Here are some examples of suggestions you can offer: “Would you like to talk about it, or would it be better if we didn’t right now?” “Would it be helpful if I took you to a movie to take your mind off of things for a while?” “Can I mow your lawn?” “Can I set up a meal train for you?” Don’t insist on helping your way unless you have that kind of relationship and you know it would be helpful, but do offer specific ways of expressing your love and presence.

3. When talking about the issue with them, focus on good listening.

   1. Do not try to fix it.

   2. No platitudes: “He’s in a better place,” “At least…,” “God is good,” etc. To a person in deep pain, these come across as minimizing or dismissive, and it can make them feel like God doesn’t care about them.

   3. Reflect and validate what they’re saying: “That sounds so painful,” “You must feel absolutely heartbroken,” “That uncertainty seems terrifying.” 

   4. Asking deepening questions can also convey love and care. “When is the next appointment?” “What is weighing most heavily on your heart right now?” “How is (a close loved one like a spouse or child) dealing with this?” Essentially, you are demonstrating care for the things and people they most care about.

   5. Say the true things their hearts most long to hear from you. “I love you.” “I’m here.” “Can I keep checking in on you about this?” “Can I pray with you?”

Two key principles: be there & talk about it

Remember: this is not about doing it perfectly. Your imperfect attempt is so much better than doing nothing. We embark on this compassionate work with compassion, grace, and humility, knowing we have many times let others down, and many have failed us as well. We thank God for maturation, healing, and the incredible privilege it is to love others in His name — to be his hands and feet bringing hope and light to those in desperate need of it. 

May His will be done, for He is near to the brokenhearted, and He has purposed that the Body of Christ — that is, the Church — would do this redemptive work in His name, and in so doing, that the world would know that we are Christ’s disciples and would give Him all the glory forevermore. Amen.