Estranged: Going First & What They Long to Hear

Estrangement is growing at an alarming rate in all facets of society. In one sense, perhaps all of our problems boil down to estrangement from God and from one another. Specifically, though, I have been hearing more and more — from clients and from observable data — a concerning rise in estrangement between parents and their children.

This post aims to equip you with tools to close that chasm. The good news is we have a blueprint for what works, and we have incredible power to heal the rifts. What we don’t have is a guarantee; it will always depend on the other person to some extent. That being said, we have good reason for confidence.

First, let me lay some biblical foundation. “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). That’s absolute. I used to believe if someone had a problem with me but I was okay, it was their responsibility to bring it up, fix it, etc. But then I read Matthew 5:23-24: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” So we have a responsibility to attempt reconciliation even if they are the only ones feeling hurt or frustrated! Furthermore, Jesus juxtaposes this in such a provocative way: even worshipping is not a good excuse to avoid the urgent work of reconciliation! It’s interesting that Jesus doesn’t offer any limitations or qualifiers. After all, they have been holding bitterness; shouldn’t they be the ones to initiate reconciliation? In one sense, yes. Matthew 18 makes it clear the offended party has a responsibility to address broken relationships and pursue healing. But it doesn’t stop there. We have a responsibility either way: whether we are offended, offender, or both.

As I have had the privilege of helping many people navigate estrangement, I’ve noticed this roadblock for most people: there is hurt on both sides. When we feel hurt by someone else, what we long to hear from them is usually pretty simple. It typically sounds like this:

• Tell me more

• That makes sense

• I can see now why that hurt you so much

• I am so sorry

• I love you, and I want to do better

• What does your heart need to hear?

• How can I grow to love you better?

In our pain, it can feel impossible to heal without hearing some version of these things. But all things are possible with God. And you have a holy opportunity to follow Jesus’s example in your estranged relationship. What if this is an example of “The last shall be first”? What if putting our own healing on the back burner to first offer the other person healing is rewarded in Heaven?

After all, God loved us while we were “enemies of God” (Romans 5:10). And despite the fact that God did nothing wrong in our relationship with Him, he went first. At great cost to himself, he sent his only Son, who humbled himself to feel our pain and to be in relationship with us on Earth, then took the consequences of our estrangement fully on himself so we could be reconciled with God.

That is what we are invited to do. Go first. It takes great maturity. Great humility. Great love. If you have not gone first like Jesus and said some version of the bullet points above to the other person, can you really say you have been obedient to scripture? Can you really say you are following Christ’s example? Or are you still operating by “An eye for an eye”?

I think there is a reason God does not provide for special exclusions when the other person is fully at fault. In fact, scripture deliberately covers that extreme, with Jesus providing the ultimate example of making it right even when the broken relationship was fully our fault.

Furthermore, when we go first, we have layers of benefit: first, we know it is evidence of the fruit of our maturity in Christ. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Second, if we are successful in reconciling, we have achieved our heart’s desire! And if we are unsuccessful, we can live in peace knowing the situation is truly out of our hands. Either way, I believe God rewards those who go first in this way.

One critical note here: people who tend toward enabling and codependence may misconstrue what I’ve written above. At their best, they will agree with the concept of going first, but then once they have offered healing to the other person and things feel more comfortable, they will be afraid to disturb the peace by sharing their own pain, so they withhold their own hurt in the name of peacekeeping. This is a grievous error. It breeds narcissism in the other person, and it breeds bitterness in you. Your heart demands to be honored, but you deprive it when you do not allow it to experience the healing it needs.

Once you have humbled yourself and offered healing to the other person, you must look inward to see where you have been wounded, to reveal those wounded parts to the other person, and to have a conversation about what healing would require. There is no other healthy path. This is another way we imitate Christ. He went first, and has extended the invitation for reconciliation. He has made it clear the terms by which we may be restored in relationship. We are called to do the same in our own broken relationships.

One final note: parents, if you are estranged from your child(ren), it is your responsibility to go first. That is not to minimize ways they have harmed you at all. However, just as God who is above us and who came before us went first, you must have greater maturity than your child, despite your heartbreak. Children, do not use this as an excuse to not go first if your parent has not. As you mature in Christ, you become a spiritual sibling to your parent (an older sibling even, if you have matured more in your faith than they), and therefore you bear a personal responsibility for reconciliation that is not excluded with parents.

In all cases, God’s heart in scripture is clearly not for legalism or perfectionism — it is for reconciliation and unity. God is love. He calls us to operate as his agents, as agents of love, and in this way we fulfill the law of Christ.

If you are seeking healing in a specific estranged relationship, the right Christian counselor may be able to help. In fact, sometimes having a trained professional using proven techniques to facilitate healthy conversation can be just the right step God uses to bring breakthrough where things have been stuck before. And even when both parties aren’t willing to sit down together, one willing person can benefit greatly from talking through these difficult situations and learning what more they can do on their side of things.

Heavenly Father, thank you that you provided for us a template of perfect, sacrificial, going-first love. Help us to have your heart in our broken relationships: a heart that grieves when the prodigal chooses estrangement yet runs to him and celebrates when the relationship is restored. Drive away fear with security that can only be found in you. Go before us, softening hearts, healing pain, and bringing glory to your name through the obedience and faithfulness of your people. May your will be done and may we be granted the peace of knowing we have done all we can to live in unity with everyone.