DIY Conflict Resolution Guidelines

I’ve seen it happen with clients, church members, family members, and friends: it can be really challenging to sit in conflict and disunity while we wait for someone else to help. Especially with married couples or people in close relationships, it can be excruciating to survive in near proximity while conflict remains unresolved. That’s what this post is for. But first, the disclaimers: there will be times when this post is not enough. There will be times when you need professional help and you must endure the waiting. And there are times when even professional help is not enough. See Paul and Barnabas’s sharp disagreement in Acts 15 (which seems to have improved after the passage of significant time). However, my hope and prayer for you is that these tools will help equip you to do more DIY conflict resolution that works. And if you still require professional assistance, at the very least, these tools will help you to get more out of that time and to feel better about the work you’ve already done walking in.

Without further ado, here are some of the most powerful tools we can use in conflict resolution:

1. First, address conflict from a calm emotional state. This is an absolute gamechanger. In fact, I consider it a nonstarter if you don’t have this foundation for your conversation. Biblically speaking, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). The Gottmans, pioneers of couples therapy research, refer to this as “soft startup.” Their findings on this are mind-blowing. A harsh startup is literally a death sentence for the conversation. Based on how soft or harsh the first three minutes of the interaction is, the rest of the episode follows suit ninety-six percent of the time!!! In other words, start harsh, end harsh (and usually unresolved). Start soft, end soft (and often reconciled).

   1. How do I start soft? I’ll go into more of this later, but one of the most important concepts is positivity. The Gottmans find that flourishing relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the midst of conflict. In everyday life, it’s much higher — 20:1! That may seem foreign, but it’s possible. Some of it is just basics: “I” statements are positive, “you” statements are often accusations; negative assumptions about others feel like criticism, but deferential questions can be positive; apologies and thank you’s effectively done are also positive. Another tip for remaining soft is seeking to understand. The Gottmans assert that arguments have three stages, and most issues arise when we move too quickly through the second stage (understanding) to the third stage (problem solving). When in doubt, make it your goal to understand and love the other person. And before you move on to problem solving, really make sure they feel loved and understood. And then if you’re not sure you’re ready, try to understand them even more deeply. Then you can move on to problem-solving. Some practical ways to seek deeper understanding: “Will you tell me more about that?” Reflection, summary, and checks for understanding can also be really helpful: “It sounds like you’re saying ________. Am I getting that right?” “So when I said __________, it really hurt because ____________. Is that right?” Avoid parroting, which means just repeating word-for-word. Instead, use synonyms, identify themes, focus on the most important parts, etc. And don’t forget to check to make sure your understanding is correct.

   2. What if it escalates to becomes harsh? This is a really important question, and it can be life-changing when people adopt this for the first time. If things get escalated, pause. Really. Hit pause, calm down, and revisit it later. Don’t get one last jab in on the way out, don’t let the other person think you’re abandoning them, and don’t make it worse in any other way. Instead, take credit whenever you can: “I can tell I’m getting too frustrated to handle this as well as I would like to. The truth is I care about you, but I feel like I need to calm down before I can continue. Can we revisit this in ______ (minutes/hours)?” No more than 24 hours. Physiologically, it will typically take between 20 and 60 minutes for you to get back to a calm state, and when you’re both ready, it should be revisited urgently but in a calm way. The Bible is clear about the urgency of resolving disagreements, and it is also clear that “It is to your glory to overlook an offense,” kindness leads to repentance, we should love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, remove the log from our own eye, etc. Neurologically and physically speaking, we simply are not capable of doing those things when we are really upset. In fact, brain scans show us that the parts of the brain that process critical thinking, creative problem-solving, empathy, and even faith are almost entirely offline when we are really upset. So if we are to be functioning in partnership with the Holy Spirit in this interaction, we must be calm. And if we can’t be calm, we must pause until we can. There’s no shortage of calming resources and tools online that I’ll let you look up on your own for more, but suffice to say thinking about what the perfect comeback would have been or what your next counterattack will be — those are not calming. Instead, try reading and meditating on scripture, like 1 Corinthians 13. Then try praying, including praying for the other person. Add in some deep breathing, and as you do, ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you, and invite God’s peace into your body.

2. Have the conversation in person. Do your best to come from a place of fullness: be rested, fed, hydrated, and prayed up, to the best of your ability. During the conversation, be unhurried and undistracted, and show your love and openness with your body language.

3. Focus on your feelings, being careful not to fall into the trap of unhelpful argument over facts. Reflect on how you were wounded, then share your hurts/insecurities/fears with the other person without accusing. For example, “When you said, ‘__________’ (objective fact without judgment), I felt _________ (emotion/hurt) because ____________ (vulnerable information revealing fear/insecurity).” This can be a good formula, but it doesn’t always work. For example, they could say, “I didn’t say that,” and then you could devolve into an unproductive disagreement over what was said. So agree where you can. Compromise where you can, especially where it’s not important. For example, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to misrepresent what you said. I can’t exactly remember. I just remember when you were talking about that, I felt ______.” That’s where the hurt is and that’s what needs to be addressed for reconciliation. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight is all about how to have this kind of conversation. When you are the listener, your job is to help the other person feel heard and understood.

4. Clarify the difference between intent and impact. Most hurts in conflict are about impact, not intent. Understand how your words and actions impacted the other person negatively and apologize for that. Sometimes it is helpful and appropriate to clarify your intent, but sometimes it makes things worse, especially if you haven’t yet apologized for the impact of what you have done because it just sounds defensive. When you are sharing how you have been hurt, focus on the impact, but do not make accusations about intent; you can’t know that. Occasionally, your mind has created a narrative about their intent that needs to be addressed. When that is the case, ask a non-judgmental question. “Can you help me understand where you were coming from when you said/did that?”

5. Strive to bring the fullness of truth and love to this interaction. Both are necessary, and the more you can bring both, the better your conversation will generally go. However, be wise about what truths you focus on. The truth of that historical fact is not nearly as important for reconciliation as how you felt wounded in that moment; sharing the latter and speaking the truth in love can lead to healing.

6. Be quick to apologize. Apology is hard, especially for some people, particularly those whose parents didn’t model and teach it well. Many people I work with feel it can actually be dishonest to be too apologetic or that it can be a sign of weakness. 

   1. Let’s start with honesty. When you separate intent from impact and apologize for the impact, you can honestly apologize much more easily. For example, “I’m so sorry that I made you feel left out when I didn’t invite you to that event.” This is essentially saying, “I heard you when you said you felt left out, and I realize now my actions had that impact. I care about you enough to acknowledge that and to apologize.” I have a theory that it doesn’t hurt to over-apologize in the right way. Some people can’t bring themselves to apologize in the way I just suggested because they say, “I can’t make someone feel something.” And to that I would say, if they agree and you over-apologize, they will naturally make that correction in their own minds and take more responsibility themselves, but they will appreciate your humility and grace. But if they see it differently, if they really feel like you did make them feel that, your apology will actually have a chance of landing if you over-apologize. Furthermore, Jesus is the classic example of over-apologizing. Essentially, the Old Testament is humanity messing up again and again and again and apologizing again and again and again and it never being enough for us to remain in right relationship with God. Then Jesus came along and apologized for our sin on the cross so we could be reconciled to God. He humbled himself and took the blame so our relationship could be healed. So our over-apology can be a very Christlike action. That being said, be careful not to take responsibility that God would have the other person take; that can stunt their growth and prevent your healing. If you over-apologize, apologize for ways you hurt the other person, intentionally and unintentionally. But do not apologize for how they hurt you.

   2. Weakness. This one is pretty easily dismantled. Who is stronger — the man who can admit his feelings, or the man who pretends he does not have them and is therefore victim to them? Who is more confident — the woman who can humbly confess her faults without crumbling in shame, or the woman who tries so desperately to conceal them? People hurt people. People fail. We cannot avoid it. The best we can do is try not to and when we hurt others, to acknowledge it and offer repair. Refusing to do so prioritizes our own fragile sense of confidence at the other person’s expense. On this note, I offer a caution against self-deprecating “fake apologies.” For example, “I’m sorry I’m such a bad husband.” That’s not a real apology, and it’s not helpful. If you mean it, you’ve given into sweeping shame rather than accepting specific accountability for something you did wrong and can work to rectify. It literally makes it harder for you to learn and grow. If you don’t mean it, it’s a callous dismissal of someone else’s pain. Either way, genuine, humble, confident apology is a sign of strength. A sign that you can acknowledge how you have hurt someone else and can offer healing without buckling under shame or self-consciousness.

7. We almost never choose to be hurt, but we do choose to forgive. Very rarely do people hurt themselves on purpose or choose to be offended. However, overlooking an offense does have to be a conscious decision. The more you make that decision, the more automatic it can become. Critically, though, overlooking an offense is not the same thing as suppressing it. “Overlooking it” is essentially forgiveness. And forgiveness is also a choice, one that Jesus is clear He is asking us to make, over and over and over.

8. Consider boundaries carefully. The world is quick to prescribe boundaries, but in this world of cancel culture and growing social isolationism, the Bible approaches it a bit differently. Matthew 18 describes a process by which we should address when a “brother” (a fellow Christian) sins against you. The end of that passage suggests boundaries if they repeatedly refuse to repent. Interestingly, it is also clear throughout the Bible that God’s people are not to be really close companions with fools, evil people, or really anyone who is not following God. There’s a lot of nuance and discernment involved with this, but I’ll try to summarize this way: God’s primary heart in all of this is for people. When our kindness to others helps us bring people to Jesus, great! But when people are unrepentant, when they deny Christ, we are not to stay close to them for fear we will be dragged away. And between Christians, God is unequivocal that he wants us to be unified, at peace with one another, loving one another so powerfully that the world we know we are Jesus’s disciples. Of course, reconciliation with nonbelievers is good and can show a powerful witness of Christlikeness, forgiveness, love, etc. However, it can also be really challenging sometimes, not least because you follow completely different standards and authorities for your lives.

9. Avoid conversational fouls. Fouls are called in many sports to help keep the game fair and safe for everyone so players can continue playing for a long time and the game might even be fun, even as titans test their strength against one another. But can you imagine if there were no fouls in football or basketball? People would literally kill each other!

   
   

   

   
   

   But in relationships, the fouls are too often unspoken, too frequently committed, and too regularly unaddressed when they happen. This list could be really long, but I’m going to try to keep it to the main ones that I see most often:

   1. Telling someone else what they are thinking/feeling

   2. Stating your assumptions/interpretations as fact

   3. “You should know why I’m upset” (expecting the other person to be a mind-reader)

   4. Passive aggression

   5. Blame

   6. Criticism

   7. Contempt (treating others with hatred communicated through words, actions, body language, etc.)

   8. Defensiveness

   9. Stonewalling

   10. Sarcasm used in conflict

   11. Any kind of abuse

   12. Threats

   13. “Kitching sinking” (Trying to deal with more than one issue at once)

   14. Bandwagoning (involving others in the argument to try to sound more compelling)

   15. Triangulation and gossip

   16. Name-calling

   17. Cussing (Segments of the Christian addiction recovery community consider cussing a form of emotional unrestraint, immaturity, and manipulation; whether you agree fully or not, what you say in conflict will often be better received without this)

   * It should be noted that humor can provide a powerful exception to a lot of these fouls. When appreciated by both parties, humor offers repair and tension diffusion. But it’s a risk. Attempts at humor can come across as “not taking this seriously,” so do your best to know your audience and adjust if humor isn’t having the intended effect for all parties!

10. Persevere. I have witnessed standstills of decades achieve breakthrough when both parties are willing to persevere in trying to implement the above and stick with it over time. We don’t know how long it will take, but you might fairly expect it to take time: the tools I’ve mentioned above are difficult to master. Difficult and worth it. Give yourself and the other(s) in this situation grace and don’t give up. I will draw near to a close with this, a surprising transition right in the middle of Matthew 18, perhaps my favorite chapter of scripture. These verses are literally the connective tissue between the section telling us how to deal with conflict in the church and the section on forgiveness (including how and why Jesus always wants us to forgive): Jesus says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” We often apply these passages more liberally, but when Jesus said this, he was talking about conflict.

11. One of the greatest ways to honor your relationship is to seek outside help if you need it. If you are not able to reconcile on your own, involving the right other people is courageous, obedient, wise, humble, and loving. As you are seeking that help, I urge you to seek a Christian. Not just someone who works with Christians or someone who is lukewarm — seek help from someone who proclaims Jesus as Lord of their life, who is unapologetic about the authority of Scripture, and someone whose life shows the fruit of reconciliation and service to Christ. If that person is trained in helping others and/or is a professional counselor, so much the better.

Holy Spirit, fill us with wisdom, love, and patience. Lord, bring unity in this situation. We ask for healing and growth (which are often the same thing) on all sides. Show me where I have wronged and where I can apologize. Give me a soft heart. Help me to know how to offer healing, and give me the strength and humility to offer it generously. Please minister to my soul and make me more like you. And restore unity, Lord. Above all, may you be glorified and may your will be done far above what we could ask or imagine. Amen.