DIY Conflict Resolution Guidelines

I’ve seen it happen with clients, church members, family members, and friends: it can be really challenging to sit in conflict and disunity while we wait for someone else to help. Especially with married couples or people in close relationships, it can be excruciating to survive in near proximity while conflict remains unresolved. That’s what this post is for.

Conflict Resolution: Tools for Healing Relationships

But first, the disclaimers: there will be times when this post is not enough. There will be times when you need professional help, and you must endure the waiting. There are times when even professional help is not enough. See Paul and Barnabas’s sharp disagreement in Acts 15 (which seems to have improved after the passage of significant time). However, my hope and prayer for you is that these tools will help equip you to do more DIY conflict resolution that works. If you still require professional assistance, at the very least, these tools will help you to get more out of that time and to feel better about the work you’ve already done walking in.

Powerful Tools for Conflict Resolution

Without further ado, here are some of the most powerful tools we can use in conflict resolution:

1. Start from a Calm Place

First, address conflict from a calm emotional state. This is an absolute gamechanger. In fact, I consider it a nonstarter if you don’t have this foundation for your conversation. Biblically speaking, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). The Gottmans, pioneers of couples therapy research, refer to this as “soft startup.” Their findings on this are mind-blowing. A harsh startup is literally a death sentence for the conversation. Based on how soft or harsh the first three minutes of the interaction are, the rest of the episode follows suit ninety-six percent of the time! In other words, start harsh, end harsh (and usually unresolved). Start soft, end soft (and often reconciled).

2. How to Start Soft

How do I start soft? I’ll go into more of this later, but one of the most important concepts is positivity. The Gottmans find that flourishing relationships have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the midst of conflict. In everyday life, it’s much higher — 20:1! That may seem foreign, but it’s possible. Some of it is just basics: “I” statements are positive, while “you” statements are often accusations. Negative assumptions about others feel like criticism, but deferential questions can be positive. Apologies and thank you’s, when effectively done, are also positive.

Another tip for remaining soft is seeking to understand. The Gottmans assert that arguments have three stages, and most issues arise when we move too quickly through the second stage (understanding) to the third stage (problem-solving). When in doubt, make it your goal to understand and love the other person. Before you move on to problem-solving, ensure they feel loved and understood. If you’re not sure you’re ready, try to understand them even more deeply.

3. Practical Ways to Seek Understanding

Some practical ways to seek deeper understanding include:

• “Will you tell me more about that?”

• Reflection, summary, and checks for understanding can also be really helpful: “It sounds like you’re saying ________. Am I getting that right?”

• “So when I said __________, it really hurt because ____________. Is that right?”

  
  

Avoid parroting, which means just repeating word-for-word. Instead, use synonyms, identify themes, and focus on the most important parts. Don’t forget to check to make sure your understanding is correct.

4. What If It Escalates?

What if it escalates to become harsh? This is a crucial question, and it can be life-changing when people adopt this for the first time. If things get escalated, pause. Really. Hit pause, calm down, and revisit it later. Don’t get one last jab in on the way out. Instead, take credit whenever you can: “I can tell I’m getting too frustrated to handle this as well as I would like to. The truth is I care about you, but I feel like I need to calm down before I can continue. Can we revisit this in ______ (minutes/hours)?” No more than 24 hours.

Physiologically, it will typically take between 20 and 60 minutes for you to get back to a calm state. When you’re both ready, it should be revisited urgently but calmly. The Bible is clear about the urgency of resolving disagreements. It also states, “It is to your glory to overlook an offense.” Kindness leads to repentance, and we should love our neighbors, pray for our enemies, and remove the log from our own eye. Neurologically, we simply are not capable of doing those things when we are really upset.

5. Calming Techniques

If we are to function in partnership with the Holy Spirit in this interaction, we must be calm. If we can’t be calm, we must pause until we can. There’s no shortage of calming resources and tools online. However, thinking about the perfect comeback or your next counterattack is not calming. Instead, try reading and meditating on scripture, like 1 Corinthians 13. Then try praying, including praying for the other person. Add in some deep breathing, and as you do, ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you and invite God’s peace into your body.

6. Have the Conversation in Person

Have the conversation in person. Do your best to come from a place of fullness: be rested, fed, hydrated, and prayed up, to the best of your ability. During the conversation, be unhurried and undistracted. Show your love and openness with your body language.

7. Focus on Your Feelings

Focus on your feelings, being careful not to fall into the trap of unhelpful arguments over facts. Reflect on how you were wounded, then share your hurts, insecurities, and fears with the other person without accusing. For example, “When you said, ‘__________’ (objective fact without judgment), I felt _________ (emotion/hurt) because ____________ (vulnerable information revealing fear/insecurity).”

This can be a good formula, but it doesn’t always work. For example, they could say, “I didn’t say that,” and then you could devolve into an unproductive disagreement over what was said. So agree where you can. Compromise where you can, especially where it’s not important. For example, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to misrepresent what you said. I can’t exactly remember. I just remember when you were talking about that, I felt ______.” That’s where the hurt is, and that’s what needs to be addressed for reconciliation.

8. Clarify Intent vs. Impact

Clarify the difference between intent and impact. Most hurts in conflict are about impact, not intent. Understand how your words and actions impacted the other person negatively and apologize for that. Sometimes it is helpful and appropriate to clarify your intent, but sometimes it makes things worse, especially if you haven’t yet apologized for the impact of what you have done because it just sounds defensive.

When you are sharing how you have been hurt, focus on the impact, but do not make accusations about intent; you can’t know that. Occasionally, your mind has created a narrative about their intent that needs to be addressed. When that is the case, ask a non-judgmental question: “Can you help me understand where you were coming from when you said/did that?”

9. Bring Truth and Love

Strive to bring the fullness of truth and love to this interaction. Both are necessary, and the more you can bring both, the better your conversation will generally go. However, be wise about what truths you focus on. The truth of that historical fact is not nearly as important for reconciliation as how you felt wounded in that moment. Sharing the latter and speaking the truth in love can lead to healing.

10. Be Quick to Apologize

Be quick to apologize. Apology is hard, especially for some people, particularly those whose parents didn’t model and teach it well. Many people feel it can actually be dishonest to be too apologetic or that it can be a sign of weakness.

Let’s start with honesty. When you separate intent from impact and apologize for the impact, you can honestly apologize much more easily. For example, “I’m so sorry that I made you feel left out when I didn’t invite you to that event.” This essentially says, “I heard you when you said you felt left out, and I realize now my actions had that impact. I care about you enough to acknowledge that and to apologize.”

11. The Strength in Apologizing

I have a theory that it doesn’t hurt to over-apologize in the right way. Some people can’t bring themselves to apologize in the way I just suggested because they say, “I can’t make someone feel something.” If they agree and you over-apologize, they will naturally make that correction in their own minds and take more responsibility themselves. They will appreciate your humility and grace.

But if they see it differently, if they really feel like you did make them feel that way, your apology will have a chance of landing if you over-apologize. Furthermore, Jesus is the classic example of over-apologizing. Essentially, the Old Testament is humanity messing up again and again and apologizing again and again. It never being enough for us to remain in right relationship with God. Then Jesus came along and apologized for our sin on the cross so we could be reconciled to God.

12. The Choice to Forgive

We almost never choose to be hurt, but we do choose to forgive. Very rarely do people hurt themselves on purpose or choose to be offended. However, overlooking an offense does have to be a conscious decision. The more you make that decision, the more automatic it can become. Critically, though, overlooking an offense is not the same thing as suppressing it. “Overlooking it” is essentially forgiveness. And forgiveness is also a choice, one that Jesus is clear He is asking us to make, over and over.

13. Consider Boundaries Carefully

Consider boundaries carefully. The world is quick to prescribe boundaries, but in this world of cancel culture and growing social isolationism, the Bible approaches it a bit differently. Matthew 18 describes a process by which we should address when a “brother” (a fellow Christian) sins against you. The end of that passage suggests boundaries if they repeatedly refuse to repent.

Interestingly, it is also clear throughout the Bible that God’s people are not to be really close companions with fools, evil people, or anyone who is not following God. There’s a lot of nuance and discernment involved, but I’ll summarize this way: God’s primary heart in all of this is for people. When our kindness to others helps us bring people to Jesus, great! But when people are unrepentant and deny Christ, we are not to stay close to them for fear we will be dragged away.

14. Avoid Conversational Fouls

Avoid conversational fouls. Fouls are called in many sports to help keep the game fair and safe for everyone. But in relationships, the fouls are often unspoken, frequently committed, and regularly unaddressed. This list could be long, but I’m going to keep it to the main ones I see most often:

1. Telling someone else what they are thinking/feeling

2. Stating your assumptions/interpretations as fact

3. “You should know why I’m upset” (expecting the other person to be a mind-reader)

4. Passive aggression

5. Blame

6. Criticism

7. Contempt (treating others with hatred communicated through words, actions, body language, etc.)

8. Defensiveness

9. Stonewalling

10. Sarcasm used in conflict

11. Any kind of abuse

12. Threats

13. “Kitchen sinking” (trying to deal with more than one issue at once)

14. Bandwagoning (involving others in the argument to sound more compelling)

15. Triangulation and gossip

16. Name-calling

17. Cussing (Segments of the Christian addiction recovery community consider cussing a form of emotional unrestraint, immaturity, and manipulation)

It should be noted that humor can provide a powerful exception to many of these fouls. When appreciated by both parties, humor offers repair and tension diffusion. But it’s a risk. Attempts at humor can come across as “not taking this seriously,” so do your best to know your audience and adjust if humor isn’t having the intended effect.

15. Persevere in Conflict Resolution

Persevere. I have witnessed standstills of decades achieve breakthrough when both parties are willing to persevere in trying to implement the above and stick with it over time. We don’t know how long it will take, but you might fairly expect it to take time: the tools I’ve mentioned above are difficult to master. Difficult but worth it. Give yourself and the others in this situation grace and don’t give up.

16. The Importance of Seeking Help

One of the greatest ways to honor your relationship is to seek outside help if you need it. If you are not able to reconcile on your own, involving the right other people is courageous, obedient, wise, humble, and loving. As you seek that help, I urge you to seek a Christian. Not just someone who works with Christians or someone who is lukewarm — seek help from someone who proclaims Jesus as Lord of their life, who is unapologetic about the authority of Scripture, and someone whose life shows the fruit of reconciliation and service to Christ. If that person is trained in helping others and/or is a professional counselor, so much the better.

Holy Spirit, fill us with wisdom, love, and patience. Lord, bring unity in this situation. We ask for healing and growth (which are often the same thing) on all sides. Show me where I have wronged and where I can apologize. Give me a soft heart. Help me to know how to offer healing, and give me the strength and humility to offer it generously. Please minister to my soul and make me more like you. And restore unity, Lord. Above all, may you be glorified and may your will be done far above what we could ask or imagine. Amen.