Can I Be Friends With Unbelievers?

Show me your five closest relationships and I will show you your future.

The question of whether a person can be friends with unbelievers has come up surprisingly often in my office, a surprising truth that has prompted me to consider why. I believe it represents a key point in the progression of surrender: a process by which the mature Christian submits his whole life to Christ, receiving in exchange the pleasure of God and more of the abundant life God promises. For the highly relational person, though, distancing oneself from “my old friends” and growing close to a group of fellow Christ followers might be more challenging than any other shift in the Christian life.

But should you even do it? Let’s first consider what the Bible says. “Those who walk with the wise become wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20). “The Lord is the source of wisdom” (Proverbs 2:6). Therefore, wise people follow the Lord. And fools do not know him. If we want to be wise, we must “walk with” those who follow the Lord. 

“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God—I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:33-34). This passage highlights an important concept in the discussion: it’s not as simple as people who claim to be Christians and those who don’t. The distinction is people who know and follow God and those who do not. And there are plenty of people ignorant of God in the church. The Bible gives us a clear measuring system to tell the difference: “Fruit” (Matthew 7:15-23 and Galatians 5:22-23). An even simpler way to tell the difference is those who do the will of God. Many times in the New Testament, Paul cautions the churches to “have nothing to do with” people in the church who are not obedient to God. Those who are idle, those who are gossips, the sexually immoral, those who pervert the Gospel, etc. — these people exist in the church and present a very real danger. Because our hearts are made to love, as we draw near to such people, the Enemy will use our affection for them to whisper lies and to justify sin as a response to the tension we feel within ourselves.

Furthermore, 2 Corinthians 6:14 cautions believers against being “unequally yoked.” While this passage is often cited in reference to romantic relationships, the context of the passage actually has nothing to do with that (although I think it still applies to romance). A yoke is an instrument by which two working animals share labor; ideally, they are of similar strength, because that is how the most work gets done. It’s also how both animals grow in their strength and fulfill their God-given design. Imagine how deformed or even injured both animals become if they are unequally yoked, always pulled to one side rather than pushing ahead. Contextually, Paul is writing about ministry here, about how dedicated followers of Christ should live. Therefore, it is fair to conclude that the concept of being “equally yoked” is best applied to those you surround yourself with on a day-to-day basis. From the examples of the early church, it is clear that those closest to them were their co-laborers with Christ (1 Corinthians 3:9).

These two working animals share a yoke

Now let’s consider some biblical counterarguments, then we’ll try to make sense of it all. Daniel was clearly close with King Nebuchadnezzar, and Joseph was also close with Pharaoh. In both cases, these men of God have more than just professional trust with the most powerful ruler in the land. They have favor, and they seem to be appreciated for their wisdom and character. I wonder if both Pharaoh and King Nebuchadnezzar would consider these men to be their closest friends. Yet in both cases, Daniel and Joseph have a greater loyalty to God.

Joseph is a particularly interesting example because the Bible does not really address Joseph’s friends one way or the other. However, his loyalty to God throughout his life is clear. In Daniel’s case, though, he had a core group of friends that was also loyal to the true God, and it seems Daniel was closer with them than he was to King Nebuchadnezzar.

However, the clearest answers to this question might be found in the life of Jesus himself. It is clear that Jesus regularly ate and gathered with “tax collectors and sinners,” which in that culture was indicative of relational closeness. It is also clear that Jesus’s most intimate earthly relationships were with Peter, James, and John, then the rest of the twelve. So in Jesus’s life, the answer is yes, to a point.

So to recap, here’s what the Bible tells us: in the cases of Daniel, Joseph, and Jesus, close relationships with nonbelievers were good and purposeful to accomplish God’s work. Paul makes this idea even clearer: “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings” (1 Corinthians 9:22-23). In this sense, the primary goal of friendships with unbelievers might be understood to be outreach in hopes they would encounter the love of Jesus. After all, how could we claim to love them if we are comfortable with their eternal destination in Hell? I would encourage you that a litmus test for you in evaluating such relationships might be this: am I justifying this relationship because I want it, or am I allowing God to work through me in this relationship? Here’s another way to ask it: is this relationship submitted to God?

The Bible is clear that our closest relationship and greatest loyalty must be to God (Matthew 22:36-38). The Bible also makes it clear that God’s design for our greatest flourishing is for our closest earthly friendships to be with fellow Christians, true believers who are submitted to and growing in Christ with us. This is the Body of Christ (the Church) at work, and as we live in relationship with fellow believers, we sharpen one another (Proverbs 27:17), spurring one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). The primary goal of friendships with fellow believers, then, is similarly focused on God’s mission, but it also includes mutual encouragement, strengthening, and formation.

In conclusion, I want to empathically encourage you that submitting your friendships to Christ might seem incredibly difficult. However, it might not be as hard as you think. This call might be accomplished by drawing closer to brothers and sisters in Christ, rather than by pulling away from other relationships. Furthermore, asking God what he would like to do in your friendships with unbelievers might involve blessing them in ways you couldn’t have previously imagined, and it could help you reach them with the gospel. Ultimately, though, if submitting your friendships to God does involve a painful distancing from some relationships you have held dear, I encourage you that God would not ask you to do something like this if it were not ultimately for your growth and for your good.

Finally, I want to leave you with this admonishment: faith is not something to be lived just at church or at work; it is meant to permeate every aspect of our lives. And biblically speaking, we cannot follow Jesus in isolation. It is literally against His design.

If you are not sure how to work through your friendships and submit them to God, I encourage you to seek the counsel of a wise Christian who seems to be navigating this tension well, someone who has a fruitful life and can help you grow in this area. 

May God grow your capacity to love others in his name, and may you find evermore freedom, peace, joy, and flourishing in the surrendered life.